The New Akatsuki Leader
by chomp0
Summary: After Pain dies the Akatsuki are thrown into chaos. Without him to provide purpose and direction, the remaining members travel around causing no end of trouble, making new friends, love interests and enemies along the way. Who will take charge of this organisation of insane criminal ninjas?
1. Chapter One

Chapter One

…

**A/N: **Tobi is just Tobi. No secret identities.

I don't own Naruto.

This story is rated T for lots of violence, bad language and nudity/sexual situations (nothing too explicit).

Reviews are appreciated.

…

"**Pain is dead."** Zetsu announced. "He was defeated by the nine-tails jinchuuriki." **"Konoha is destroyed."** "Yet all the villagers survive, Pain resurrected everyone who died during the attack." **"Konan has defected from the Akatsuki." **"She is now the leader of Amegakure." **"I'm hungry."**

Kisame and Tobi sat quietly for a moment, letting all the information sink in.

"Leader-sama is dead?" asked Tobi.

"**Yes."**

"Really?"

"**Yes."**

"All six of him?"

"**Yes." **"And Nagato too."

"Who"

"**Just shut up Tobi" **

"So another Akatsuki member is dead." said Kisame. "It's hard to believe that just us three are left, isn't it?"

"It is." said Zetsu. "I certainly didn't think there'd be anyone strong enough to take out Pain. I recorded the fight; do you guys want to watch it?"

Zetsu, Tobi and Kisame huddled together on the couch, with Samehada resting on the floor. They watched the fight between Pain and Naruto. Once it ended, Kisame grabbed the remote and turned off the TV.

"That was awesome." he said enthusiastically "I was very impressed with the jinchuuriki; the little brat has improved greatly. I need to fight him one day."

"Gi Gi Gi." agreed Samehada.

Tobi was crying. "That was so romantic. The pretty girl stood up to Leader-sama and tried to protect Naruto-kun with her life, and then she confessed her love in front of the whole village."

"This is still cold in the middle." complained Zetsu, munching on a foot. "I should have let it defrost in the microwave for a while longer." He always liked to snack whilst watching TV.

"I suppose we should drink to the memory of Pain-sama." said Kisame.

"Can Tobi have a drink?" asked Tobi.

"**No way." **said Zetsu.

"Kisame-san, _pleeeease _can Tobi have some sake too?"

"Sure." Kisame answered.

"Woo hooo!" shouted Tobi, running into the kitchen for some bottles of sake and three cups.

Kisame was chatting with Zetsu about his new plan to become a shark-sage when Tobi returned. He poured out some sake for everyone and they all raised their cups and drank a toast to Pain. Tobi turned away when lifting his mask to drink so nobody could see his face. None of them were particularly close with Pain; however his death left an urgent matter to see to.

"We need a new leader." said Kisame.

"Tobi nominates Tobi to be the new leader."

"**No!"**

"Definitely not."

"Awww, I _reeeally_ wanted to be in charge." said the swirly-faced ninja, saddened by the swift rejection. Then he giggled. "Maybe Tobi _is_ actually the secret leader and Leader-sama was just a fake leader."

"**Don't be silly Tobi." **

"It's quite amusing just thinking of you in charge of Akatsuki." Kisame smirked.

"I think I'd be a good boss." Tobi sulked.

"Hypothetically speaking, what would you do if you were our new leader?" asked Kisame.

"I'd recruit lots of pretty girls and we'd have tea parties every day." he replied and carefully refilled everyone's cups.

"**I vote for Tobi."** "No I don't." said Zetsu.

The three criminals sat around drinking and discussing which kunoichi they'd like to invite to a tea party. Kisame mentioned his long-time crush, Mei Terumi. Tobi decided on Hinata Hyuuga and Zetsu couldn't come to an agreement with himself (his white side is gay). Eventually they got back on track to discussing the future of Akatsuki.

"I don't want to be stuck behind a desk or have to deal with customers." said Kisame. "Really, being the leader is too much responsibility. I'd rather just go on missions and _fight_." The thought of fighting brought a wide grin to his face.

"So you don't want the leadership and Tobi…" **"He's too stupid to be put in charge." **"Hey don't insult my best friend." **"I just said what you were thinking." **

"Yay, I'm your bestest friend." A slightly drunk Tobi tried to hug the cannibalistic plant-man but got shoved away by his black side.

"Anyway…" Zetsu continued. "I guess that leaves me in charge."

Black Zetsu began to laugh. It was a laugh that can only be described as evil.

"I'm scared." whimpered Tobi.

"The first thing I'm going to do as leader is to get rid of this uniform."

"Yeah it does look stupid, especially the hats." said Kisame.

"Aw no, I love my cloak." said Tobi. He'd wanted to join the Akatsuki for a long time and when he finally got in he was so proud of his cloak that he never wanted to be parted with it.

"So we can wear whatever we like?" asked Kisame.

"No." said Zetsu. "You can't wear any clothes at all."

"Noooooooooooooo!" screamed Tobi.

Zetsu removed his cloak; he was naked underneath of course. "It feels so good to let it all hang out. Everybody, get undressed."

"I'd rather not." said Kisame.

"**That was an order."** Zetsu glared at him. "And take those bandages of Samehada as well."

Grumbling, the blue man stripped down to his underwear and unravelled the bandages off his sword. The sentient weapon flexed its scales and gave a sharp toothed grin.

"Gi?"

"No Samehada, we're not in a fight so be good and don't absorb anyone's chakra."

"Please." begged Tobi. "Don't make me do this."

He was panicking. The masked man was always careful not to let anyone see even his face and now he was ordered to strip completely naked.

"Fine, you can remain dressed for a while longer."

"Thank you." A relieved Tobi said.

"**Bring me more sake!" **Zetsu demanded.

Tobi scurried off to get another bottle.

"Good idea." Zetsu told himself. "If we get him really drunk then it will be easier to persuade him to part with his clothes."

Zetsu then turned his attention to Kisame.

"**I see you didn't fully comply with my order." **

"Why are you so eager to see Little Samehada anyway?" asked a smirking Kisame.

"I wouldn't call it _little_." noted Zetsu while eying the large bulge in Kisame's briefs.

A trickle of blood came out of white Zetsu's nostril.

Tobi returned bottle in hand "I have the sake Zetsu-san."

"**Zetsu-**_**sama."**_ he was corrected.

"Y-Yes, Zetsu-sama." stammered Tobi, whilst pouring the drinks.

"Are you going to make us wear nail varnish, like Pain-sama did? Kisame asked.

"Actually that was Konan's idea." Zetsu told him. Then he glanced down at his hands with the fingernails painted pink. "But I think it was a great idea, we'll continue this tradition."

"Tobi misses Konan-chan. Why did she abandon us?" asked Tobi.

"I guess the only reason she was with the Akatsuki was because of her boyfriend." Zetsu speculated. **"And now he's dead."**

"He always was dead. Pain-sama was just one of the corpses controlled by that guy called Nagato, right?" said Kisame.

"**True."**

"A zombie boyfriend… that's just weird."

"**Not as weird as you." **

Kisame looked dejected. "Is it because I'm strangely coloured?"

Tobi inched closer to Samehada and when the others weren't looking he poured the remaining sake into Samehada's mouth. He then tackle-hugged Zetsu and proclaimed him to be the weirdest person here. This didn't cheer Kisame up, who was still sulking.

"**Get off me you stupid lollipop." **black Zetsu shouted.

"Awww, Tobi loves hugs." he said and then drunkenly threw his arms around Kisame instead. This cheered Kisame up a little, who secretly loved hugs as well.

"So, Zetsu-_sama." _Kisame smirked. "What plans do you have for the Akatsuki, besides from making us run around naked?"

Tobi whimpered and cuddled up closely to his big blue friend, hoping to be protected from the crazy nudist.

"**I demand breakfast in bed every morning." **"Chubby civilians are my favourite." **"I also want you to bring lots of puppies and kittens for me to snack on."**

Tobi gasped. "You shouldn't eat any kitties; they're too cute to kill."

"**Don't tell me what to do, I'm your boss now."**

"Tobi is sorry."

"Anyway…" Zetsu continued. "The Akatsuki are now an organisation devoted to protecting the environment. We shall cull around two thirds of the humans; they truly are the worst species on this world. Er, no offence meant Tobi."

"I'm human too." interjected Kisame.

"Sure you are." Zetsu chuckled. "You will be in charge of protecting marine life. Tobi…"

"Yes?"

"It's your mission to slaughter all the lumberjacks."

"Yes sir!"

"I think that covers everything. Although I'll probably think of a few more rules tomorrow when I'm sober." laughed Zetsu.

"No. I don't think you will." Kisame told him.

"What?"

"I think I'll be in charge of the Akatsuki for now."

"I didn't think you wanted…"

"I don't. But you turned out to be a complete nutcase and I don't want you to be the leader anymore."

"Tobi votes for you." said Tobi cheerfully to the former Hidden Mist ninja. "You're not going to make me take my mask or anything off are you?"

"No, of course I won't"

"Yay!"

"I vote for myself." said Zetsu. **"So do I." **"So that's two votes for me and two for Kisame**. "I guess we'll have to share the leadership." **"Sharing is good." **"No it isn't."**

"Why do you get two votes anyway?" asked Kisame.

Zetsu just stared at him.

"You know what, its fine. But I think Samehada should have a vote as well. What do you think?" he asked his sword.

"Gi Gi Gi Gi".

"Samehada votes for me."

Samehada began to drunkenly wiggle around on the floor, making serpentine twists and loops.

Kisame poked his sword. "What are you doing?"

"I think it's dancing." Tobi giggled.

"**Your stupid sword shouldn't get a vote." **complained Zetsu.

"Don't you dare insult Samehada." Kisame snarled.

"Ok. It's actually the smartest sword I've ever met, but it's not an Akatsuki member and so shouldn't get to vote."

"Forget about voting. We're going to fight for the leadership." Kisame grinned.

They both stood up, Kisame grabbed Samehada but the drunken sword couldn't remain straight and flopped over.

"**Can't keep it up**." Zetsu sniggered.

Kisame just laughed and dropped his weapon. He then slammed into Zetsu, knocking him to the ground. Zetsu didn't really stand a chance in a wrestling match against the much bigger man. However his white side was enjoying himself a lot, especially since his muscular opponent wasn't wearing much at all.

Tobi, thinking that if he won they'd let him become leader, decided to join in. He ran into the kitchen, grabbed a frying pan and quickly returned to the fray. Kisame had managed to get Zetsu in a chokehold but the plant ninja had grown out his two venus fly-trap extensions in an attempt to protect his neck. Then the frying pan came crashing down on Kisame's head. He released Zetsu and turned on Tobi.

"What do you think you're playing at? Give me that!" He said angrily and snatched the frying pan out Tobi's hands.

His attempts to whack Tobi proved futile as the evasive ninja dodged every blow. He then decided to beat up Zetsu, although his venus fly-trap somewhat softened the blows raining down on his head.

Samehada wiggled up to Kisame and entwined around his legs, causing him to fall over. The sword then nipped its owner a few times.

"Gi Gi!" it said angrily.

"Get off me Samehada! You shouldn't be jealous of a frying pan, I promise not to use any other weapon besides you as long as you're a good sword." He let go of the frying pan.

"Gi." Satisfied, the shark-sword released Kisame from its constricting grip and slithered out of the way.

Recognising Kisame as the strongest fighter, Zetsu had started kicking him while he was down. "Tobi, we need to work together if…"

_WHACK_

Tobi had picked up the discarded frying pan and hit Zetsu square in the face.

"**I am going to EAT you." **the enraged cannibal threatened.

Tobi screamed and ran away. However, he was quite drunk and didn't get very far before tripping up. As he fell to the ground Zetsu dived on top of him and bit down hard into his shoulder.

"Help! Tobi doesn't want to be eaten."

Kisame had gotten up, collected his drunken sword and wandered over to the cannibal and his reluctant meal.

"Why don't you enjoy their chakra, Samehada." he said and dropped his sword onto the two bodies on the ground. Greedily Samehada drained most of Zetsu's chakra. Tobi however had fire-type chakra which the sword hated, so instead it just bit deeply into Tobi's side. The masked man let out another loud scream.

"Alright, I think that's enough. Stop trying to eat Tobi-chan" said Kisame, nudging them apart with his foot.

Zetsu, dangerously low on chakra and having had a bit too much to drink, knew when he was defeated. He looked up from his position on the ground at the very tall man. "Ok, I can't fight anymore. I guess that means the new Akatsuki leader is…"

"Samehada!" Tobi shouted. "It fought the best out of all of us."

"Er no, I don't think so." said Kisame.

"Gi Gi Gi."

"Whatever. We'll continue this tomorrow. Maybe you two will put up a better fight when sober." he said, slinging his floppy sword over his shoulder and leaving the room.

"Zetsu-san, you're not mad at me are you?"

Zetsu sighed. "No Tobi, I guess I wasn't being very nice to you today. I understand why you wouldn't want me as your leader."

"Tobi is glad you're not angry. Are we still bestest friends?"

"Sure"

"Yay!" Tobi threw his arms around his friend.

"**Stop doing that. I hate hugs." **"It's way past your bedtime. You should go to bed."

"Alright. Will you tuck me in and read me a bedtime story?"

"**No fucking way."**


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

...

"Do you, Kisame Hoshigaki, take this bitch to be your lawful wedded wife?" asked Hidan.

"I do"

"Do you, Mei Terumi, take this shark-man to be your lawful wedded husband?"

Mei looked up at him, with tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry Kisame, I can't…"

"Shut up, bitch!" Hidan interrupted, "You can't back out now. I had to sacrifice 100 of your villagers to get Jashin-sama's blessing for this wedding."

"You did WHAT?" screeched Mei.

"I now pronounce you man and wife. Shark-face, kiss the fucking bride!"

"Gladly."

"No, wait! I didn't agree to… mffph."

Kisame stopped her protests with a kiss and after a moment's hesitation she returned it passionately. It seems even the commitment phobic Mizukage couldn't resist his manly charms.

…

"Kisame-san, wake up."

He opened his eyes to see a familiar orange-masked man leaning over him.

"Damn Tobi-chan, I was having an amazing dream. What are you doing here?"

"Tobi is _dying!_" he said dramatically.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Tobi's head feels like it's going to explode."

Kisame sighed. "It's just a hangover. It's because you drank too much sake last night. You'll get better soon."

Later the three remaining Akatsuki members met in the kitchen. Zetsu and Tobi were being unusually quiet. Kisame smirked and considered mentioning that he doesn't get hangovers, but decided not to rub it in. He started to fry some bacon in the dented frying pan from yesterday.

"Do you guys want some?" he asked.

"Yes please."

"**Need… bacon…" **

Kisame added the entire pack of bacon to the pan.

"So will you guys be up for round 2 of the leadership battle later?" he asked cheerfully.

Zetsu groaned. "I don't feel like moving… at all."

"Tobi doesn't want to be eaten again."

"Well that's fine. I've actually had an idea… Why don't we go to Amegakure and ask Konan-san to become our leader?"

"Ok, Tobi thinks Konan-chan is nice."

"**Whatever." **"But I'm not going anywhere today. Just give me some food then leave me alone."

The next morning they all left the hideout and set off to the Village Hidden by Rain. Tobi still wore his Akatsuki cloak although it had several rips from when he got bitten.

"Zetsu-san, do you think Konan-chan will be happy to see us?" he asked.

"**No. I doubt she'll want to come back to the Akatsuki. Why would she when she has her own hidden village?"**

"I don't see why she couldn't be in charge of both. Pain-sama was." pointed out Kisame. "Besides she could probably use a couple of S-rank ninja. I don't think she'll turn us away."

"Are we nearly there yet?" asked Tobi.

"No. We only left ten minutes ago." Zetsu told him. "It'll take us about two days to get there."

"Ok. Tobi hasn't been to the Rain Village before. Is there lots of candy shops?"

"You're not allowed to eat sugary stuff, it makes you too hyper."

The childlike man turned his attention to his other friend. "Kiiiiiisameee-saaaan." he sang.

"Alright, if you be good I'll buy you a lollipop."

"Tobi is always good."

They didn't encounter much trouble on their way to Amegakure. Just a few bounty hunters, some Mist ANBU and Team Hebi. Nothing they couldn't handle easily. Zetsu ate his fill of corpses and Kisame had a fun swordfight with Suigetsu and a nice little chat with Sasuke about his older brother.

"It's a shame they didn't want to join us." said Kisame after Team Hebi had left. "That Suigetsu-kun is a cute kid. There's no way he's getting his hands on my Samehada though."

"Karin-san was scary." Tobi whimpered.

Soon enough they arrived in Amegakure.

"Wow. Those buildings are so tall." said Tobi, gawking at all the skyscrapers.

"We should head towards the tallest one." said Zetsu. "That's where Konan is likely to be."

"You could fit a_ lot _of candy in one of these buildings." Tobi observed.

Zetsu sighed. "I'm sure you could, but let's pay a visit to Konan first."

"Maybe we should buy some chocolate for her?"

"**No, let's go."**

Arriving at the Hidden Rain HQ they went in to speak with the receptionist.

"**We're looking for Konan. Is she here?" **questioned Zetsu.

"Do you have an appointment?" the bored-looking ninja behind the desk asked.

"No but Konan-chan is our friend. She'll want to see us." Tobi told her.

The woman sighed. "I don't think so. Please leave."

Then she suddenly jumped backwards as Samehada came crashing down onto her desk, smashing it into two halves and sending chunks of wood flying everywhere.

"SECURITY!" she yelled and the three partners in crime found themselves surrounded.

"Now this is a nice welcoming party." said Kisame with a sharp-toothed smile.

"**What are you **_**doing?**_**" **hissed Zetsu.

"I reckon if we make enough noise then Konan-san will come to see what's going on." the swordsman told him. "Although we probably shouldn't kill anyone, we don't want to piss her off too much."

The Rain ninja attacked.

The Monster of the Hidden Mist used water techniques to push most of them flat, drenching the area in the process. Then he swung his giant sword around (albeit more lightly than usual) and fought them head-on, giggling maniacally.

Finding himself surrounded, Zetsu quickly sunk into the floor and popped up elsewhere in the room. However more and more ninja were joining the battle and Zetsu was attacked relentlessly. He made several clones for distraction and they all kept disappearing into the ground and emerging in different places while his enemies played a game of whack-a-Zetsu.

Tobi was rushed by the Rain nin but all their attacks just phased through him while the masked man taunted them.

Eventually a swirl of paper entered the room and Konan formed in front of them with paper wings keeping her aloft.

"What is the meaning of this?" she asked.

"Konan-chan!" Tobi exclaimed happily.

"We just wanted to speak with you but your receptionist wouldn't let us see you." Kisame told her.

She glanced towards her underlings, many of who were looking rather beat up.

"Leave us." she commanded and the Rain ninja quickly left.

"We need you." Kisame told her. "You're the Akatsuki leader now, right?"

She remained silent, her face showing no emotion.

"Please." he pleaded.

"I am no longer a part of the Akatsuki." She began to scatter into sheets of paper.

"Wait!"

"I'm sorry but the five Kages have threatened action against this village if I don't stay away from the Akatsuki and the remaining jinchuuriki. I expect you to be gone from this place by tomorrow." Her entire body now transformed into paper, which all folded into little aeroplanes and flew away.

"Don't leave us Konan-chan!" Tobi wailed and chased after the paper aeroplanes.

"Maybe if Tobi-chan acts cute and begs her to be our leader then she'll agree. She always was quite fond of him." Kisame said, hopefully.

**"Give it up. She doesn't want anything to do with us."** "I told you so." said Zetsu smugly.

Kisame sighed. "Fine. Let's go outside, Tobi-chan will be able to find us later."

"**Of course he will, I can never get rid of the annoying brat." **

The odd-looking pair exited the building. It had begun to rain heavily.

"This is nice." the shark nin said as the rain poured over his blue skin and into his gills.

Zetsu grew his venus fly-trap. "Yeah I needed a good watering."

They stood out amongst the Hidden Rain populace, one half-naked shark-man and one fully naked plant-man. Most of the passers-by gave them a wide berth but one ninja walked right by them while giving them a glance filled with curiosity.

"**Sand nin." **said Zetsu, seeing the hourglass symbol on his forehead protector. **"What are you doing in Amegakure?" **

"Nothing to do with you." Kankuro replied without stopping.

The Akatsuki spy quickly caught up to the Sand ninja who had purple face paint and a black hood. He looked familiar, and then Zetsu remembered him from a spying mission in Sunagakure. He was the Kazekage's brother. Zetsu was even more intrigued as to what he was doing here.

"**Why are you going to the HQ? What is your business there?" **he pressed.

"Leave me alone." Kankuro told him but a black arm reached out to grab hold of him.

Breaking free of Zetsu's grip, Kankuro leapt away and summoned a puppet from a scroll.

Kisame grinned at hearing the eerie rattling noise the big puppet made. "This brings back memories." he said. "Although I doubt you'll put up as good a fight as Sasori-san."

Kankuro stiffened. "What do you know of Sasori of the Red Sands?"

"Hey now!" said Zetsu. "I didn't want to start a fight; I just wanted to ask a few questions."

Kankuro glanced towards him, looking a bit puzzled by his drastic change in voice.

"Who are you?" the puppeteer asked.

"I'd rather not say."

"Then don't expect me to answer your questions."

"Fair enough." Zetsu conceded.

Kankuro walked to the Rain HQ with his battle puppet guarding his back. The criminal duo let him go although Kisame looked disappointed at letting a fight pass him by. Then Tobi came running out of the HQ and slammed into Kankuro.

"Tobi is sorry!" he apologised.

"Akatsuki!" Kankuro snarled, noticing the black cloak with red clouds on it.

"Yes." said Tobi proudly. "They let in only the strongest ninja you know."

Kankuro looked back at the two ninja he'd just passed. He now recognised the tall blue man as Kisame Hoshigaki although the other one remained a mystery.

Zetsu and Kisame watched the Sand shinobi enter Konan's workplace, he looked furious.

"Konan isn't supposed to associate with us anymore." said Zetsu.

"She'll be fine." Kisame told him. "We left a big enough mess in the reception for her to tell him that we're not on good terms anymore. And if he doesn't believe that then she could always murder him before he sends any reports back to the Kazekage."

Tobi then caught up to them.

"Did you speak with Konan-san?" asked Kisame.

"No, I couldn't catch up to her." said Tobi sadly. "Who was that man with the funny face paint?"

"Just some puppet user from Suna."

Tobi played with the ring on his thumb. "Like Deidara-sempai's old partner?"

"Yeah, did you know him?"

"Not very well, he didn't like Tobi."

"**I remember him always complaining to me about you trying to sneak into the basement." **

"Oh, I finally got to see what was down there after he got killed by his grandma. It was full of all his big wooden toys! They looked a bit scary though so I painted happy faces on them all, but Deidara-sempai said my art was rubbish and blew them to bits."

Walking in the pouring rain, they soon passed by a restaurant. They entered and sat down at a table by the window.

"Can I take your orders?" a nervous waitress asked the dangerous looking customers.

"Tuna."

"Dangos."

"**Nothing for me, I've brought my own food."** Zetsu begin to gnaw on a human arm.

"Gi Gi Gi."

"No Samehada, you can't have any sake."

"So we've got to leave by tomorrow." said Zetsu around a mouthful of human flesh.

"Do we have time to go to the candy shops?" asked Tobi hopefully.

"Yes." Kisame told him. "But I need to go clothes shopping first since I've stopped wearing that stupid cloak."

"It's not stupid."

"If you say so... I really need to buy some new shirts; all my old ones are too tight now that I've been working out a lot."

Zetsu eyed the shirtless blue man. He had bulked up quite a bit recently. He stared at his muscular chest for a while and then his eyes lowered towards Kisame's navy blue trousers that were sopping wet from the rainwater and…

"**WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO IMAGINE KISAME WITHOUT ANY PANTS!" **black Zetsu shouted at his white side.

The entire restaurant fell silent. It was awkward.

Their food took a while to arrive but it was delicious and they were given extra-large servings in the hope that they wouldn't slaughter the entire restaurant staff and eat their corpses. Even Zetsu ate some once he'd finished with the arm.

"Tobi can't eat another dango."

"**I guess you've got no room for candy then."**

"There is always room for candy."

Just as they were about to leave an origami piece in the shape of a bird tapped its beak against the window.

Tobi rushed to open the door and the purple paper bird flew past him and landed in Kisame's hands; its colour matched his nail polish.

The origami bird unfolded itself revealing its message:

_Dear Kisame-san,_

_I apologise for turning you away earlier. I've realised now that I can't abandon my old comrades but you must understand that I can't be seen associating with you, for the good of my village. I have a mission available that I think you will enjoy. Meet me in one hour on the roof of the Angel_ _Hotel and I will brief you about it. Come alone and make sure that nobody knows about this besides Tobi and Zetsu. Tell them that I will be in touch as soon as I find them suitable missions._

_Kind regards, _

_Konan._

Kisame smiled happily. "We need to leave now." he said, knowing he couldn't discuss Konan's message in a busy restaurant.

"What did it say?" demanded Tobi.

Zetsu had already read the letter over Kisame's broad shoulder.

"Top secret." he murmured into Tobi's ear. "We'll tell you when we get somewhere private."

They left the restaurant forgetting to pay for their food, although the frightened waitress was happy enough just to remain uneaten.

A second paper bird flew towards them. This one was pink and landed in Zetsu's hands. It unfolded itself to reveal a map leading to the Angel Hotel. It was a long walk, when they finally got there another origami bird flew through the entrance with them. Tobi tried to catch it but it evaded his grasp and made its way to the front desk. They followed after it and once the receptionist read its message he gave them each a key and told them to stay as long as they needed for free.

They ran up the stairs all the way to the top of the 20 story building (Kisame didn't trust elevators) and entered their room. It was large with four single beds and an en-suite bathroom and a kitchen area. Tobi bounced onto one of the beds, he was brimming with curiosity.

"Konan-chan gave you a letter. What did it say?"

"She wants me to meet her on the rooftop soon. It looks like she's agreed to become our leader." Kisame said happily.

"**Listen Tobi. We're working for Konan **_**secretly. **_**You can't let anyone know about this." **Zetsu stressed.

Tobi nodded.

"**It's very important. Konan will be in big trouble if the five Kages find out that she's still with the Akatsuki. **

"Tobi understands. You can trust me, I'm a good boy."

"I guess I'll leave in ten minutes, I want to get there early to make sure Konan-sama doesn't have to wait for me." Kisame said.

"Tobi is happy to be seeing Konan-chan again!"

"I was told to go alone. You'll stay with Zetsu-san, right?" Kisame asked, sitting down next to his friend and draping an arm across his shoulder.

"Alright." said Tobi. "So why does Konan-chan want to be alone with you? Are you going on a date?"

"What? No." Kisame blushed, his cheeks turning purple.

Tobi giggled. "You should give her some flowers. Pretty girls like flowers; I used to give some to Deidara-sempai all the time."

Kisame laughed but stopped when he heard a small sigh from Tobi.

"You miss him, right?"

"Yeah."

Kisame, not knowing what to say to console his friend, just pulled him into a tight hug.

White Zetsu was jealous seeing Kisame wrap his arms around another man, even though he knew it was a purely platonic hug.

"I think you should leave right now. You don't know how long it took that bird to find you. An hour could have passed already."

"You're right, I'll go now." Kisame stood up. "Why don't you take Tobi-chan to a candy store while I'm gone?"

The black and white man scowled while Tobi cheered.


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

...

A multitude of origami butterflies flew upwards, ascending to the top of a skyscraper as raindrops splashed down their slick paper wings. Reaching their destination, they fluttered around a waiting man before unfolding into square sheets of paper and melding together into the form of a woman.

"Konan-sama." he greeted. "Thank you for meeting with me."

"You're welcome, Kisame-san." she said. "Although I'm afraid I can't stay here long so let's get straight to business."

"Alright. You mentioned that you had an interesting mission for me?"

"Yes. In the Land of Wind there is a large group of ninja bandits, around 30 to 40 I'm told. I want you to visit their enclave and slaughter every last one."

Kisame grinned. "That sounds like my kind of mission."

She handed him a scroll. "This has all the mission details and a map showing their location."

"So… did that Sand ninja we saw earlier cause you any trouble?"

"Yes he was quite angry about seeing you here but I managed to convince him that I'm no longer a part of the Akatsuki. This mission was actually given by him. It's very important that you aren't seen, not only are you not supposed to be working for me but the Kazekage doesn't want the other Kages knowing that he has to hire foreign ninja to deal with problems in his own country. Remember; kill every last bandit. Don't leave any witnesses."

"I won't fail you. Consider them already dead."

"That's good to hear. I expect you to leave tomorrow morning."

"Yes, Konan-sama."

"I have to go now. Goodbye Kisame-san." she said before swiftly breaking apart and fluttering away.

"Goodbye." he called out after the bits of paper.

He climbed back down to his room, entering through the window. Unravelling Samehada's bandages, he gave it a good scrubbing between the scales. Then he decided to take a long relaxing bath. After a while his friends returned.

"Stop Tobi, just let me get the door." he heard Zetsu say who was fumbling with the lock.

Kisame got out of the bath and wrapped a towel around his waist. He entered the main room just as Zetsu got the door open and Tobi came running in.

Tobi's mask was upside-down and pulled down a bit, a lollipop stick was poking out of what was supposed to be the eyehole. He ran towards the kitchen but couldn't see a thing and tripped over. He dropped the bag he was carrying and candy spilled out and scattered everywhere.

"I'll pick that up and I'm putting it all away for tomorrow. Now go to your bed." Zetsu scolded.

Tobi did as he was told and sucked on his lollipop, quiet for once.

"How did it go?" Zetsu asked while tidying up in the kitchen.

"Fine, I'll be leaving in the morning."

Zetsu was curious as to what he would be doing but knew better than to enquire, they weren't supposed to talk about their missions.

"How was your outing with Tobi-chan?" Kisame asked with a smirk.

Black Zetsu just groaned in reply.

"That bad?"

"**You have no idea."**

Kisame noticed that Zetsu kept glancing at his towel. He's probably hoping it'll fall down, he guessed correctly. He looked at his discarded clothes but they were still sopping wet from the heavy rain. He didn't want to put those back on.

"Hey Zetsu-san, you missed some." he said, pointing towards the kitchen.

When Zetsu turned around Kisame dropped his towel and dived under the bed covers, as quick as a ninja could.

"I don't see anything." Zetsu said.

"Whatever. Just turn out the lights and go to sleep." Kisame told him. He then lifted Samehada onto his bed to rest next to him above the covers. He soon fell asleep whilst hugging his sword.

The next day dawned and Kisame found himself awakened by an origami kitten that was licking his face. He put his clothes on and filled a backpack with stuff he'd need for his journey, stealing some fish-shaped jellies from Tobi. He picked up his sword and set off, leaving his friends sleeping peacefully. Or so he thought; Zetsu actually had one eye open to spy on him getting dressed. He left the hotel and set off towards Wind Country.

"So, it's just the two of us now." he said.

"Gi Gi Gi?"

"Yeah, I expect we'll come across a few wind chakra types where we're going. That's quite a rare treat for you isn't it?"

"Gi." said Samehada happily.

Eager to get this mission completed quickly in order to please his new leader; Kisame pushed himself hard and arrived in the Land of Wind in just three days. The bandit enclave wasn't too far across the border between Wind and Rain. Although it was quite tricky to find even with the map he'd been given. There weren't many landmarks in this country, just a load of sand and yellow rock.

He made sure to apply suncream regularly. He didn't want to get sunburnt from the blistering heat of the desert and turn an even brighter shade of blue. He got a water clone to transform into Mei Terumi and made her rub the cream into every bit of his exposed skin. Then he dug out a cup from his backpack, spat out a load of water into it and drank it all back up. The bikini-clad Mizukage disappeared with a splash of water as Kisame got up to continue his journey.

Eventually he reached his destination. There were over a dozen buildings clustered next to a rocky cliff. The cliff guarded their back and two walls protected the sides of the community, the front wall and gate was still under construction. The scroll that Konan had given him mentioned extensive caves which was the original bandit hideout before their numbers grew so much.

He strode up to the unfinished wall, it reached up to his knees.

"What is your business here?" asked the kunoichi who stood guard.

"Hello. I'm here to kill you all." said Kisame politely.

Another ninja used the body flicker technique to arrive with a puff of smoke.

"Ah, you must be looking to join us." he said, noting Kisame's scratched forehead protector. "You've come here from Kirigakure? That's a heck of a long way."

"Actually he says he came to kill us all." the woman said, clutching a kunai tightly.

The man laughed. "Yeah, there's no way he could kill all 36 of us. Stop joking around."

The laughing man was ripped into two by Samehada. The kunoichi tried defending herself while calling loudly for reinforcements, but her small blade couldn't block the powerful swings of Kisame's massive sword.

"Now there are 34 left to kill." said Kisame and stepped over the wall.

He was rushed by a dozen ninja. There were no good fighters amongst them much to his disappointment. He shredded them into bits and Samehada grew bigger as it gorged on chakra, straining at its bandages.

"Somebody wake the boss!" a bandit shouted before taking a deep breath and blowing a giant fireball at Kisame. He stuck Samehada into the ground and quickly formed some hand seals.

"Water Shark Bullet Jutsu!" he shouted and water in the shape of a shark smashed into the fireball. Through the resulting steam he could just about see a man run up to the largest house and knock on the door.

A boy ran up to the fire-user. "Let me help."

The bandit sent more fireballs towards Kisame and his young helper used wind release to augment them. The shark bullets sent out to block them vaporised before even making contact due to the intense heat. Kisame took up his sword and ran towards his fire-breathing opponent, dodging the blazing orbs as he went. As he neared his target he was forced to use Samehada to absorb the point-blank fireballs, much to the swords distress. He trapped the man with his water prison jutsu although the boy managed to escape to the caves.

The ninja who was attempting to wake their boss gave up on knocking and kicked the door down. He entered the house and ran up to the bedroom. A women's scream was heard and the man was sent flying out of the window, with blood spurting out of his nose.

He got up and yelled at all the remaining bandits. "Stop holding back you cowards. Attack him now while he's occupied with that water prison."

The sword-fodder rushed Kisame but he defeated them easily whilst wielding Samehada one-handed. He then pulled his other hand from the sphere of water; its occupant had finally drowned. The other ninja wiped the blood from his nose then drew his katana. They exchanged blows; he was good but no match for one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist.

A couple of the bandits tried escaping. They leapt over the low wall and sprinted into the desert. Something large and white half-emerged from the sand and followed after them. It was a clone using the subterranean voyage jutsu with a bandaged Samehada protruding from the ground. The clone sprang up from the sand when it caught up to them and lopped off the legs of the slowest one. The other one managed to dispel it with a spinning back kick. Three more swords poked up from the ground and began circling him like hungry sharks. Soon he too was torn to shreds.

Finally the boss made her appearance, leaping from the broken window of her house to land in front of Kisame. She carried a simple wooden staff, 6ft in length. She was nearly as tall as her weapon. She had dark skin and darker hair; it fell to her waist in a tangled mess. Kisame's round white eyes roved over the woman, she wore a very short cream-coloured dress leaving her long legs exposed. Her headband had a deep gash through the hourglass symbol.

"Done checking me out?" she asked playfully, casually leaning against her staff.

"Err, yes." said Kisame. "You took your time getting here. Do you always sleep in so late?"

"Yeah I try not to wake up before noon if I can help it. I just wish you got here a bit later; I was having an amazing dream about Gaara-sama. Don't you think he's adorable?" she asked.

"Not really. You must be the bandit leader. My mission scroll says that your name is Sandi-san and you were kicked out of the Hidden Sand Village for sexually harassing the Kazekage." he said with a smirk.

"He was just too cute not to." Sandi said. "Anyway, you seem to know so much about me… mind telling me who you are?"

"I'm Kisame Hoshigaki. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Well I can't say the same about you." Sandi said while looking at the dismembered bodies surrounding her. "Unless your mission involves kidnapping me and smuggling me into Suna to live inside Gaara-sama's wardrobe…"

"No."

"Damn. I guess this is a fight to the death then?"

"That's right. I hope you put up more of a fight than your underlings."

"Of course I will."

Kisame freed his sharkskin sword from its bindings. "That's good to hear."

"You know…" said Sandi. "I think I've seen you before, at my chuunin exams. Unless there are other blue-skinned Mist ninja around…"

"Did you see me cut the legs off that Rock nin in the final battle?"

"Yeah, so it is you!"

"That was a long time ago. You're definitely too old for Gaara-san…"

"Am not!" she said indignantly.

"I'm surprised they still let him remain the Kazekage, he must be weak now that his tailed beast has been removed."

"That's not true! He still has the ability to control sand. I bet he's the strongest Kage of all!"

"No way. The Mizukage is the strongest _and _the sexiest."

They glared angrily at each other for a while until Sandi sighed and softened her gaze.

"Fine." she said. "I suppose the Mizukage is the _second_ sexiest Kage. I am quite partial to redheads after all."

"Ok. I'd rate Gaara-san fourth out of the five Kages."

"WHAT!?"

"The Hokage is second and I'm not gay but the Raikage is tall and handsome and has a perfect body."

"You're starting to sound gay…"

Kisame's face turned slightly purple with embarrassment.

"Well Sandi-san, it's been nice chatting with you but I'm eager to begin this battle."

"Alright, let's begin. I'm going to make you suffer for killing all of my minions."

They attacked each other, scaled sword clashing against wooden staff. Kisame fought aggressively, sending quick and powerful strikes at his opponent but she had a defensive fighting style and he couldn't get past her guard. Failing to draw blood or chakra, he retreated to put enough space between them to bring his ninjutsu into play.

Sandi was glad to see him fall back; she was more of a mid-range fighter anyway. He took a deep breath, gathering the chakra inside his body and converting it into water, and then expelled it from his mouth. The surge of water that hit Sandi knocked her off her feet but she quickly recovered and stood up on the newly formed lake. She laughed and used Kisame's own water and shaped it into spears. She sent them flying towards her assailant with a wave of her hand.

Kisame easily dodged them whilst sprinting along the lake towards Sandi but as he neared her she quickly sunk beneath the surface. Then a load of water clones emerged from the lake all around him, sending spears flying at him from all directions. He too dropped below the surface. Sandi's clones all made some quick hand seals adding wind chakra to their projectiles. When they hit the lake they cut right though the water instead of merging with it and homed in on the shark-man.

He blocked most of them with Samehada but four managed to pierce his blue skin. He used the blood to summon his sharks before healing his wounds. The sharks took on the clones while Kisame swam towards a chakra signal that was hiding between the underwater buildings. He caught Sandi unawares and grabbed hold of her from behind.

She struggled but couldn't escape from Kisame's strong arms. She had created a bubble of air around her head to breathe in. She let out a scream as Kisame ripped a big chunk of flesh from her shoulder with his razor sharp teeth. Samehada, now on Kisame's back, curled around its owner to latch onto Sandi and greedily began to drain her chakra.

Desperately Sandi turned the entire lake into a whirlpool, spinning them around faster and faster. Kisame stubbornly refused to let go of her although his sharks returned back to where they came from. Sandi directed the whirlpool towards the cliff wall and they spun into it at breakneck speed. Kisame collided hard into it and he was forced to release the woman who was then carried away by the water.

He fell crashing to the ground. He couldn't move at all until he borrowed some chakra from Samehada to heal his broken back and other broken bones. He got up and watched Sandi in the distance; she slowly stopped the whirlpool from spinning and the water formed back into a lake with the former Sand kunoichi stood on the surface. She'd managed to keep hold of her staff throughout their struggle.

"This is the most fun battle I've had in a while." he said to himself and began to swim towards his opponent.

Practically empty of chakra and bleeding heavily from her wound, Sandi watched the large man come towards her. It was as if he hadn't been hurt at all. She knew that this was the end for her. She could not beat him and pleading for mercy had no chance of working with a ninja on a mission. Getting into a battle stance, she awaited his approach, determined to go down fighting.


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

...

Kisame looked around at the mess he'd created. Dead bodies drifted through the water, most of them not in one piece.

"We killed 31 people here, which means that 5 are still hiding somewhere. Do you sense anyone?"

"Gi Gi Gi Gi."

He entered one of the houses and a flood of water gushed in with him, quickly filling the place up. Wading upstairs, he was directed by Samehada to a bedroom towards a weak chakra signal. He pulled a man out from under the bed.

"Please don't kill me." he begged. "I'm not a shinobi, I'm just the chef."

Kisame snapped his neck.

He forced open the window and squeezed through into the water, then swam over to the caves which he had yet to enter. Slashing his thumb on his sharp teeth, his used the blood to summon several sharks.

"There should be a few people down there. If you find anyone kill them and bring them to me. If you see any corpses bring them as well." Kisame said, using a jutsu to make himself heard clearly underwater.

After searching the caves they returned with four bodies.

"Enjoy your meal boys." Kisame told them before swimming up to the surface.

"Well Samehada, that mission went perfectly. You've gotten quite heavy though."

"Gi Gi Gi?"

"Yes you do look fat."

"Gi Gi Gi!"

"Don't get mad at me, you shouldn't ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer. You'll have to stop stuffing yourself on my chakra if you want to loose some weight."

"Gi." Samehada reluctantly agreed.

"We're going to head back to Amegakure now. Konan-sama is going to be pleased that we've completed this mission so quickly and left no witnesses."

He turned around to leave and saw an eyeball hovering in front of him.

"Oh, this is bad."

The eye dispersed into a cloud of sand.

"Samehada, do you sense anyone nearby?"

"Gi."

"Fuck. Well we'd better return swiftly to warn her about this."

He'd been running for several hours across the desert. He hated this place; it was so hot and dry. Sliding down the sand dunes was fun though. He saw an oasis nearby but kept going. He'd love a swim right now but he had to get back to Konan _fast. _Although he couldn't resist one last glance at the oasis behind him…

Except it wasn't there. Instead a small army stood in its place.

"A genjutsu." he noted. "Luckily we didn't walk into that trap. I wonder if they were the ones spying on us earlier. Maybe we should kill them all… Although it would be risky to take on that many enemies at once when I don't even know their abilities."

His decision to fight or flee was taken out of his hands however as the sand beneath his feet lifted him up and threw him towards the ambushers. He landed a short distance away from the Kazekage, who stood with his arms crossed looking up impassively at him. He was flanked by a woman holding a giant iron fan and a man wearing the green uniform of the Hidden Leaf. Around 40 Sand ninja were arrayed behind them; many of them with puppets inflating their numbers even more.

"Gaara-san." Kisame acknowledged. "Do you remember me from when we extracted the one-tail?"

"I don't recall anything from that time."

"I hate it when people forget me." the blue-skinned man sulked.

"I know exactly who you are, Kisame Hoshigaki, and I know everything about you."

"That's kind of creepy, are you a stalker?"

"You're going to pay for what you did to my little brother and for your countless other crimes." the woman said angrily, unfolding her fan.

"Relax Temari." the Leaf ninja told her.

"Hey Leaf-san, what are you doing in Wind Country?" Kisame asked.

"He was just delivering a message from Konoha. He does that a lot." Gaara said with a pointed glance at his sister.

"Yeah I don't know why they don't just send messenger birds." a Sand kunoichi said and several sniggers were heard throughout the crowd. Temari blushed.

"Well it was nice of you to invite me to your engagement party…"

"We are _not _getting married."

"…but I'm afraid that I have important business to take care of elsewhere. Goodbye and have a nice day." Kisame turned to leave but was stopped by a wall of sand that emerged in front of him.

"You are not going anywhere."

The tall man turned back around and looked down at Gaara.

"So it's a fight you're after. I'd like to see just how strong you are without a tailed beast to rely on. How about we make it one-on-one, or is the Kazekage too weak to fight his own battles?" he said with a mocking grin.

"Don't take his bait Gaara." the Leaf ninja said.

"I won't, Shikamaru."

"Shikamaru? I've heard that name before. You're the chuunin that took out Hidan-san, right?"

"Yeah, he was troublesome."

"So… where is his body."

"I'm not telling."

"I just want to make sure he's buried properly, according to his religious practices."

"You should be more concerned about your own funeral. It's coming up soon."

"Then you might as well tell me where he is. It won't do any harm seeing as you're going to kill me anyway."

"Ok…

…

Actually, no. I don't think I will."

"I think we should be the ones asking the questions here." Gaara said. "Where are all the tailed beasts you gathered?"

"Why, do you miss the one-tail? I bet you want it's power back don't you?"

"Tell me where they are."

"Ok…

…

Actually, no. I don't think I will."

"Copyshark." muttered Shikamaru.

"Do you want to spend the last few days of your life being tortured for information?" Gaara asked.

"You will never capture me alive." Kisame told him with conviction.

"Before we begin fighting, I just want to thank you for taking care of that bandit problem. I should have dealt with it ages ago but I really didn't want to go near that awful woman."

"I thought Sandi-san was actually a cool person, besides from having a terrible taste in men."

"I'm glad that crazy bitch is dead." said Temari. "Gaara, you should of killed her instead of exiling her before, I knew she'd cause us trouble."

"I didn't know she'd become a criminal for sure. Besides, being extremely annoying isn't a good reason to have someone executed."

"I suppose so." she said. "Hey Sharky, I should thank you for getting rid of her. At least that's one good thing you've done in your life."

"Well I'm glad I completed that mission to your satisfaction." Kisame said. "I could work for you again if you want. I think I'd be pretty useful in this arid wasteland, I could spit water at you anytime you get thirsty."

"Err, no thanks." she declined.

"Well it's about time I leave; you really don't want to get in my way if you value the lives of your comrades."

"You are not leaving this place alive. You cannot talk your way out of this and you cannot fight your way out. You are in my territory, the very ground you walk on is your enemy. We know everything about you and the weapon you carry, the shinobi behind me were all chosen specifically to counter your abilities. We will defeat you; there is no doubt about that. Give up now and tell us what we want to know to spare yourself some suffering."

Midway through the Kazekage's threatening speech, Kisame had started spewing out water to change the terrain to his advantage. The Sand ninja sent out a barrage of poison-darts, exploding kunai, blazing fire, shocking lightning and cutting wind.

Kisame was defeated but not without a few casualties for the Sand ninja. Shikamaru and Temari stood guard over his unconscious and restrained body. The Kazekage came over to see their prisoner, along with a medic.

"Gaara, you should be resting." his sister told him.

"I'm fine." he said. He wasn't. He always struggled to control wet, heavy sand so fighting Kisame in his water dome wasn't easy.

The medic placed his hands on the heavily wounded prisoner and started healing him.

"Don't heal him fully; just make sure he doesn't die on us." Shikamaru advised.

"I can't believe he tried to commit suicide by getting his own shark summons to eat him." said Temari.

"Good job catching them with your sand coffin jutsu before they did too much damage." Shikamaru congratulated the young leader of Suna.

"Thanks, I used up a lot of my chakra though. We'll begin the interrogation once I've recovered; make sure he stays asleep until then."

"I don't think he's the type to break under torture. It might be best just to kill him now before he causes any more trouble." Temari said.

"I could send a message to Konoha asking for my teammate Ino to be sent here, she can read his mind for the information you want." said Shikamaru.

"Do that." Gaara ordered and the lazy chuunin left to search for the Sand's falconer for a messenger hawk.

Gaara sat down near the motionless blue man.

"Get out of the way." he ordered. Temari and the medic obeyed but his sister couldn't help questioning him. He ignored her and touched the ground, pouring most of his remaining chakra into it. He created a deep pit and hardened the circular wall and floor so the sand was as tough as steel.

"Are you alright down there?" Temari shouted. He didn't reply so she jumped down after him.

"I can't get out." he said sheepishly.

Temari picked up the small Kazekage and slung him over her shoulder.

"You've overdone it. You need to rest and don't use any chakra for a while." she scolded and ran up the pit walls.

"Is he alright?" the medic asked worriedly.

"He'll get better. Keep an eye on the Akatsuki scum down there until I send some guards along." she told him and then strolled through the encampment that was being set up towards the Kazekage's tent, all the while ignoring her little brothers pleas to be put down.

Later Kisame woke up, feeling groggy. His arms were tied tightly behind his back and his ankles too were bound together. He managed to sit up and look above him, spitting out some of the sand from his mouth.

Several ninja were watching him from the top of the pit.

"He's awake already."

"Bring some tranquiliser darts, now!"

This was not a good situation to be in, Kisame mused, straining at the rope bindings. He was having trouble using chakra but his pure physical strength was enough to snap the rope around his wrists, he then quickly untied his legs.

"He's free!"

"Don't try anything funny or we'll kill you."

He concentrated on gathering the chakra within him, but it was really difficult. They had injected him with a chakra inhibiting drug. He could only manage to cough out a single mouthful of water, which landed on his crotch.

"Damn, now it looks like I've wet myself." he said.

A tranquilizer dart came flying towards him, he dodged it and it bounced off the hardened wall. He evaded a few more darts but then one stung his arm, right in the gills.

Temari ran up to the guards, shouting "What's going on?"

"It's fine." one replied. "He woke up for a while but we put him back to sleep."

"This pit is a great idea." a kunoichi added, holding a blowpipe. "It's like shooting fish in a barrel."

As darkness falls, a black arm as dark as the night itself and a lumpy white misshapen arm wrapped around Kisame's sleeping body and pulled him into the earth.

...

"**Damnit, wake up already."**

Kisame felt himself shaken roughly awake. He opened his beady eyes to see black Zetsu; his white side had no facial features and was twisted grotesquely.

"Zetsu-san, what are you doing here? Where am I?"

"**We're not that far away from the Sand shinobi yet, we should get moving. You were too heavy for me to carry for long. I left an earth clone transformed into you in that pit so they shouldn't realise you're missing but let's get some distance between us just in case."**

"Thanks for the rescue. You're bleeding; did you run into trouble?"

"**No, I wasn't seen. Your stupid sword gave me these wounds while I was sealing it in a scroll."**

"You rescued Samehada as well!" A delighted Kisame wrapped his arms around his friend.

"**Let me go! I hate hugs." **

"I'm sorry. Let me see Samehada please."

Zetsu summoned the sharkskin sword from within the scroll and Kisame hugged it joyfully.

"Gi Gi Gi."

"I love you too."

"**We need to go."**

"Yeah, we need to warn Konan-sama that the Kazekage knows she's still with the Akatsuki."

"**She's not with us. Konan sold you out."**

"What?"

"**She told the Kazekage exactly where to find you." **

"She wouldn't do that."

"**I'm telling the truth. She and Kankuro, that Sand ninja we saw in the Hidden Rain Village, planned that ambush you were caught in. She sent you here to die."**

"Why does she want me dead?"

"**It's not just you. Tobi was sent on a mission to Fire Country and I was supposed to go to Water Country, but stayed to spy on her for a while. She's been corresponding with the Kages, she told them where we were going and all about our abilities."**

"Wait, why were you sent to the Land of Water and not me?"

"**I don't know. Why does it matter?"**

"I wanted to be Mei-sama's captive instead of Gaara-san's." Kisame huffed.

"**Why did they capture you anyway? When I saw the evidence of battle I feared you were already killed. You're lucky I decided to snoop around their campsite."**

"They wanted to interrogate me before they killed me."

"**That's odd; Konan told them pretty much everything about the Akatsuki."**

"Well they were very eager to learn the whereabouts of the tailed beasts we'd captured."

"**Ah yes, they'd been asking her about that as well. I managed to read her missives before she had them sent; she doesn't know where they are either. She had repeatedly tried to persuade Pain to halt his plan and so he didn't trust her with the location of them."**

"Oh wow, they were always so close that it's hard to imagine Pain-sama not telling her everything."

"**Yeah it is. Anyway, we need to catch up with Tobi before he gets into trouble." **

"Tobi-chan always runs into trouble. Is your other half with him?"

"**My white side went after him. I hope he reaches him before he falls into an ambush."**

"I think he'll be fine. He's too slippery to be captured, right?"

The next day, in the Land of Fire, Tobi enters the bedroom of a wealthy merchant. On the desk is a scroll and a large cake with bright orange frosting.

"That cake looks delicious." Tobi said to himself. "But I'd better finish my mission first. I hope that is the scroll Konan-chan sent me to find."

He opened it and read the contents, he was a very slow reader and it took him a while.

"This is it! I'm so happy to have completed my very first solo mission. I think I'll have a slice of cake to celebrate."

After eating Tobi sat down on the bed and put his mask back on. He yawned.

"I'm feeling sleepy. I think I'll take a nap here."

He lay down and began to snore loudly.

The wardrobe burst open and two men fell out.

"Get off me Guy-sensei!" said Neji.

Guy sprang up energetically. "Yosh! Konan's plan worked perfectly."

"I can't believe he fell for it."

"You'd better seal his chakra points Neji." his teacher told him. "Then I'll carry him to the others. Maybe we should bring the cake as well; we could all have a slice for supper."

"It's drugged remember."

"Oh yeah, I forgot for a moment." Guy laughed.

Neji facepalmed, exasperated at having to deal with someone with a memory like a sieve.


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five

...

Tobi awoken to find himself tied to a tree.

"Let me go Kakuzu-san, Tobi hasn't touched your money." he called out and looked down at the wooden restraints wrapped around him. "These aren't tentacles. Oh yeah, those meanie Leaf ninja killed him. I hope they don't murder Tobi too. "

"You're finally awake." a laid-back voice said.

Tobi twisted around to look at his blind side and saw a silver-haired man sprawled on the ground reading a book, his Leaf forehead protector was slanted to the left covering one eye.

"Eep, a Leaf nin! Tobi doesn't want to die!"

Several other ninja popped to their location. Tobi screamed.

"Relax Tobi; we're not going to kill you." Kakashi told him.

They had decided that acting nice was the best way to get information out of him. Konan had told them that Tobi was just a good boy who'd fallen in with the wrong crowd. Pain had only let him join so he could partner him up with Deidara as revenge for the blonde bomber destroying one of their secret hideouts. His talents were avoiding taking damage and being super annoying.

"Ok, what do you want with Tobi?"

"We just want to talk to you."

"Does that mean you want to be Tobi's friends?"

"Sure."

"Yay! What are Tobi's new friends called?"

"I'm Kakashi."

"Hi, I'm Captain Yamato." a man with nice eyes said.

"I am known as Konoha's sublime green beast of prey, Might Guy." Guy said with a wink, thumbs up and a gleaming smile.

"Neji Hyuuga." a beautiful young man said.

"And I'm Anko." A purple-haired woman grinned at him. She pressed up close against him and hooked her fingers under his mask. "Now let's see who you really are."

"Don't take off my mask!" yelled Tobi.

"Stop it, Anko." Kakashi flickered behind her and grabbed her wrist. "It's not nice to forcibly remove someone's mask."

She glared angrily at him. "I'm going to rip off yours one day Kakashi." she threatened. "Now stop being too soft on the prisoner, we need to identify him."

"Hold on a minute." interrupted Yamato. "You're telling me that you haven't seen Kakashi-sempai's face? But I thought you two were… uh… dating?"

"He still refuses to take it off when we fuck." said a vexed Anko.

"So why do you let him have sex with you then?" questioned a blushing Yamato, his curiosity overriding his embarrassment.

"I'm not going to stop fucking him, he's the best out of all my lovers." she said and then sighed. "I can only imagine how good he'd be if he'd use his mouth as well."

"Stop with this filthy talk in front of my youthful student." Guy shouted whilst covering Neji's ears.

"Let go of me Guy-sensei, you're messing up my hair!"

"Neji-san has very pretty hair." complimented Tobi.

"And you have beautiful eyes Tobi." said Anko, peering into the eyehole of his mask.

"Tobi only has one eye."

"Hmmm… and where did you get it from?"

"Where did I get what?"

"Your sharingan. Who did you take it from?"

"Tobi doesn't understand."

"Don't play dumb with me." said Anko, angrily. "You must have stolen that eye somehow, every Uchiha but one is dead so it can't naturally be yours."

"Anko-san, what part of 'be nice to the prisoner' do you not understand?" asked Yamato.

"Ugh fine, I'll leave the questioning to you guys. But if you don't get any answers then I suppose Ikibi will get to have some fun with him once we get back to Konoha." she grinned maliciously.

As Anko moved away from their prisoner Kakashi moved in closer. 'Hey Tobi, I'm sorry but she's right. I'll need to have a look at your face for just a moment."

"No! Get away from me!"

"It's alright, I'll tell the others to leave. You can just show me."

"I don't want to." wailed Tobi.

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice."

"Will you take your mask off too?"

"Hmmm… fine."

"Kakashi-sempai, I've known you for years and have yet to see what you look like. It's not fair that you're going to reveal your face to a man that you've only just met." said Yamato.

"Yeah." agreed Anko. "You have to show us too."

"No, I don't want to. You should all leave now." he told them. "And Guy, make sure that nobody peeps and I'll accept a challenge of your choosing."

"Yosh! How about we have a sack race around Konoha? Or an egg and spoon race? Or a three-legged race? Actually I think we should do all three since I will be preventing three people from peeping."

Kakashi grumbled about the embarrassing challenges but Guy wouldn't relent and so he agreed to take part.

"Great! Come along my Leafy comrades whilst Kakashi reveals his handsome face to our captive."

"How do you know he's handsome?" asked Yamato. "Have you seen him?"

"No but I once lost a beauty contest to him. He must be incredibly good looking to defeat me right?"

"I suppose so." said Yamato dubiously. "Who were the judges?"

"There was just one judge. It was the most beautiful blossom in the Hidden Leaf, the forever youthful Tsunade-sama."

Anko sighed. "I really hope she recovers from her coma. She was my favourite drinking buddy."

Guy dragged them all away. Once they were out of sight, Kakashi pulled down his cloth mask and then lifted off Tobi's spiral-patterned one.

Kakashi's visible eye widened in surprise.

"Obito!" he exclaimed.

Tobi whimpered, distraught at having his bare face seen by someone else. He felt an overwhelming urge to run away and hide. He struggled to free himself from the branch-like wood that was securely wrapped around him.

"Let me go." he pleaded.

"I thought you were dead Obito." Kakashi said.

"Tobi isn't dead. Who is Obito?"

"You are! You look just like an adult version of him, you can't deny it."

"I don't know who you are talking about."

Kakashi looked closely at Tobi's face and then sighed. "I guess I was mistaken; you do look quite similar but… just tell me what happened to your missing eye."

"Mama said not to run with scissors. Tobi was a bad boy and didn't listen."

"I'm sorry. I thought you were an old friend of mine. You're definitely an Uchiha though. Your clan was wiped out, how did you survive that?

"Tobi is Tobi. My friend Itachi-san was an Uchiha but he died." he said sadly.

"Actually I've never seen you in Konoha, where do you come from?" Kakashi questioned.

"I used to live in the Hidden Mist Village but I ran away."

"And why did you run away?"

"Mama wanted me to make little-Tobi's but I didn't know how to do that so she got really angry and smashed my mask into pieces and said she would feed Tobi to the sea monsters if I wasn't a good boy and did as I was told" the captured Akatsuki member began to cry.

"Seems like the Hidden Mist wants the sharingan bloodline limit for themselves." Kakashi mused and wiped away the tears that fell from Tobi's eye.

Tobi was comforted. "My new mask is better than my old one anyway. Can I have it back now?"

"Yeah, here you go." Kakashi replaced the orange mask and pulled up his own. Both men felt relieved to be covered up again.

"I suppose I should be thankful that you're not actually Obito. I imagine he would be incredibly angry with me since..." he sighed and said quietly "…since I killed Rin."

"Was Rin his pet goldfish?"

"What?"

"My friend Kisame-san was incredibly angry with me when I killed his goldfish, Fin. I didn't know it would die if I fed it too much."

"No she wasn't a fish. Now let's find the others." Kakashi chidori'd off the wood that was used to restrain Tobi. "Don't wander off; there are man-eating dogs in the forest."

As if on cue, a pack of dogs began barking madly. Tobi squealed and clung tightly to his new friend. They followed the tracks that the others had left and soon reached them. Guy was doing push-ups, Anko had an arm wrapped around a blushing Yamato and Neji was brushing his long black hair.

"Yo." Kakashi greeted.

"You wasn't gone long Kakashi-sensei, did you find out who this mysterious Akatsuki member is?" asked Neji, putting down his hairbrush.

"Yeah, I'll tell you what I've found out but first make sure his chakra points stay sealed up."

Neji walked up to Tobi. "I'm sorry but this is going to hurt." he activated his byakugan. "Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms!"

After the barrage of blows ended Tobi collapsed to the ground, unable to move.

"Why are all the pretty girls so mean." he gasped.

"I am _not _a girl." Neji told him.

"Guy, keep an eye on him while I talk with everyone else." Kakashi commanded.

They walked back to their previous location, out of earshot of their captive.

"Tobi is an Uchiha." Kakashi explained. "However, he's not from our village. His mother is from the Hidden Mist and she must have seduced someone with the sharingan."

"That's interesting." said Yamato. "This means that Sasuke-kun isn't the last Uchiha after all. Maybe we could let Tobi-san stay in Konoha, it would be a shame to let the sharingan bloodline limit die out."

"We can't have an Akatsuki member living in Konoha." said Neji. "What if he tries to kill Naruto?"

"I don't think he would." said Kakashi. "The plan to capture all the tailed beasts was Pain's idea and he's dead now. I doubt Tobi will go after Naruto, he's a good boy despite joining up with a criminal organisation."

"I actually think they'd become good friends." said Yamato. "They have lots of stuff in common, like wearing orange and being really stupid and annoying."

"Let's just take him to Danzo-sama, he can decide what to do with him." said Anko.

They all agreed with her. Kakashi called for Pakkun and told him to fetch Guy and Tobi. Soon the green beast came racing towards them with Tobi riding on his back.

"Go faster Guy-san, the little doggie is going to eat us!" Tobi yelled.

Guy sped up, becoming a green blur, before coming to a sudden stop in front of Kakashi.

"Ah, my eternal rival! After spending some time with our prisoner I'm convinced that he's not evil like the other Akatsuki are. Look what I taught him to do."

He put down Tobi who gave his new friends a thumbs up. A 'ping' could be heard behind his mask from his bright smile, and his sharingan closed in a wink.

"See, he can do the nice guy pose perfectly. He must be a good and trustworthy person."

"Actually we were thinking of letting him stay in our village." the silver-haired jounin said.

"Yosh! I can't wait to introduce him to my most beloved student, Rock Lee! Oh sorry Neji, I didn't see you there."

"That's alright sensei; it was always obvious that Lee's your favourite."

"Haha I'm glad you understand. Lee is so lovable that he takes a special place in everyone's heart." Guy shed a manly tear.

"Are there lots of candy shops in the Hidden Leaf Village." asked Tobi.

"No." Yamato replied. "Your former leader destroyed them all."

"Then I'm not going. I want to go back to the Hidden Rain Village."

"I'm sure you'll enjoy living in Konoha, it's better than being a missing nin right?"

"No!" Tobi crossed his arms stubbornly.

"We have the tastiest dangos in the world!" proclaimed Anko.

"Tobi likes dangos. Ok, I'll visit your village."

"How old are you Tobi?" Neji questioned. The captive appeared to be a grown man but acted like a child.

"Tobi is thirty years old. I'm a big boy now."

"It's commendable that a man of your years hasn't lost the innocence and joyfulness of youth." Guy told him.

"I've got a question for you Tobi-san. What does Kakashi-sempai look like?" asked Yamato.

"Yes, describe his face. Tell us every last detail." Anko demanded.

"Well he has a mouth and a nose and an eye."

Anko grabbed hold of him roughly. "That doesn't tell us much. Is he a bishie or a fugly?"

"I don't think he's as pretty as Neji-san but he's a lot prettier than you."

"Ball Buster Jutsu!" an enraged Anko brought her knee up and smashed it hard into his nuts.

Tobi fell to the ground, whimpering in total agony, and then his attacker started stomping on him while he was down. Yamato restrained her with his wood jutsu before she could do too much damage.

"That woman is pure evil." Guy observed.

"Well I guess we'd better camp here tonight. It's getting late and I don't think Tobi-san is fit to travel just yet." said Yamato. He formed some hand seals. "Mokuton: Four Pillar House!"

Kakashi pulled out his book, happy to have an hour of daylight left to read in. "I'll take first watch."

Might Guy picked up Tobi and carried him into the wooden house that had just emerged from the ground. Yamato dragged in a cursing Anko and Neji followed them in, ignoring his teachers command to plug his ears to block out the woman's foul language.

"Yamato, let me go. Now!" Anko demanded.

"Don't do it, Captain Yamato. Not until she apologises for hitting him in the family jewels." Guy said.

"I will not. He deserved it for saying that Neji and Kakashi are better looking than me."

"Um, maybe he's gay." Yamato speculated.

Anko calmed down slightly. "Yes that must be the only explanation for what he said. You think I'm the sexiest person here don't you?"

"Y-yes, you definitely are." he stammered, his face turning red.

"Aww, you're so cute Captain."

"Hey Tobi, how are you feeling?" Guy asked kindly.

"I'm a little better now, thanks."

"Good, how about I make you some of my famous super-spicy curry to cheer you up?"

Not waiting for an answer, Guy immediately summoned his ingredients and cooking implements from a scroll.

"Wait Guy-san!" Yamato called out. "I don't want you burning down my house again. Go and make it outside."

"Alright, I'm sure my hip and cool rival will enjoy my company. Neji, look after Tobi." Guy left the building, juggling his recently summoned items.

"He didn't burn your last house down." Neji said in a strained voice. "It was me. I'd do anything to avoid eating his awful curry. Anything!"

"It can't be that bad, can it?" Yamato asked nervously.

Neji just shuddered.

"Please release me now. I promise not to hit anyone in the balls again." Anko said sweetly.

The branch-like wood disentangled from around her, but not before Yamato discretely created a wooden protective cup inside his trousers. Just in case.

Happy to be free at last, she grinned and prowled up to Neji. "Hey pretty-boy, you're going to regret thinking you're better than me."

"I didn't…"

"Shut up! I'm way more beautiful than you are and don't you forget it."

She then turned to Tobi but the young Hyuuga stepped in-between them. "Stay away from him."

Yamato saved him from Anko's wrath by wrapping a branch around her and pulling her towards himself.

"I'm starting to think you have a bondage fetish." she said.

Yamato blushed and released her. "N-no, I just don't want you hurting anyone."

Anko and Yamato huddled together in a corner and started bitching about Orochimaru. That left Neji to entertain Tobi. He let him play with his hair. First Tobi put it up in a ponytail, leaving some loose over one side of his face.

"Hmmm… you don't look much like my old sempai."

He then removed the ponytail and begun braiding his hair. Neji relaxed and closed his pearl eyes, the sensation of someone running their hands though his hair felt amazing.

"Does Neji-san want to be my girlfriend? I promise to buy you lots of chocolate."

Neji sprang up. "No! I am a boy and I already have a girlfriend."

Anko laughed uproariously. "I think you and Tobi make an adorable couple."

Then Guy burst into the room, carrying a large pot of curry. "Dinner time!"

"Hey Guy, that smells absolutely delicious. I'm so disappointed that I can't have any but Neji said that he's taking my portion as punishment for trying to hurt Tobi again." Anko said, her attempt at looking sad ruined by the smirk that crept up on her face.

The usually calm and well-mannered Hyuuga snapped. "I fucking hate you, bitch!"

Guy dropped the pot in surprise, the bright red liquid splashed across the wooden floor.

"Neji, I can't believe my ears. Did you just swear?"

"He sure did." Anko confirmed.

His face went stern. "I can't have a student of mine behaving in such a despicable manner. I think your filthy mouth needs a good scrubbing." He dug out a bar of soap from his backpack and began chasing Neji around the room with it.


	6. Chapter Six

Chapter Six

_..._

Black Zetsu and Kisame reached the Land of Fire and were closing in on Tobi and his captors when a large plant emerged from the ground in front of them. It spun around a few times before the foliage opened up to reveal white Zetsu.

"Hellooooo." the distorted white man called out joyfully.

"**Hey bro." **black Zetsu melded back with his other half.

"Oh nice, you got a hug from the blue beefcake. I'll remember that moment forever." **"You haven't rescued Tobi yet." **"It's not my fault, he's guarded closely by five of Konoha's top jounin and I've been unable to sneak in because of all the ninja hounds and that pesky kid with the byakugan." **"You didn't even get close enough to spy on them." **"Oh stop complaining, aren't you happy to see me again?" **"No I'm not." **"Yes you are." **"No I'm not." **"Yes you are." **"No I'm not." **"Yes you…"

"Zetsu-san." Kisame interrupted. "Where is Tobi-chan and is he ok?"

The bi-coloured spy confirmed that Tobi is alive and well, and told him what he knew of the people guarding him. They began coming up with plans to rescue their captive comrade, they were quite close to Konoha and so didn't have much time before it was too late.

Meanwhile the shinobi of the Leaf had stopped for lunch.

Yamato created a pile of wood. "Light it up please." he requested of his sempai.

Kakashi had his nose buried in his book, completely ignoring his teammate.

"Hey Kakashi-sempai, I need you to use a fire jutsu so I can start cooking."

"Tobi can do fire jutsu's too." said Tobi proudly.

"I'm sure Kakashi-sempai can handle it." Yamato looked towards the copy nin, who just flicked to the next page in his book. "Oh fine! Go ahead Tobi-san but be careful."

"Ok, but you have to close your eyes first. I don't want you seeing under my mask."

Yamato sighed and closed his dark eyes. The other ninja were all behind Tobi so he felt safe to lift up his mask a little and breathe out a large spurt of flames.

"You can look now." he said once he'd finished.

Yamato opened his eyes apprehensively, but was pleasantly surprised to see a small campfire just where he wanted it.

"Nice job Tobi-san, I must admit I was half-expecting you to set the entire forest alight." he said while admiring the bright flames that were dancing in the breeze. He then turned towards Tobi. "Err… your cloak is on fire."

"Thank you Captain." said Tobi, very pleased with himself. "Wait, what did you just say?"

He looked down and saw the flames licking hungrily at his cloud-patterned cloak. He panicked and ran around in circles screaming at the top of his lungs. Guy managed to tackle him to the ground and got him to roll around. Tobi was saved from being badly burned although his Akatsuki cloak didn't fare so well.

"Oh no, my precious cloak is destroyed." he sobbed.

"It's alright, my youthful sidekick. Dry your tears and I'll give you my spare jumpsuit."

"Thanks Guy-sempai."

Not long after Tobi's accident, the Leaf ninja were disturbed by the loud barking of a pack of dogs. Then Kisame came sprinting towards them, with several ninja hounds clung onto him by their teeth and even more chasing after him. He came to a stop in front of Guy, ignoring the dogs that were chewing on him.

"Might Guy! Do you remember me?" he asked. "I am your rival, here to challenge you to another fight."

"Kakashi? You look terrible, is that why you usually wear a mask?" asked Guy. "And why are you letting your own summons eat you? That's just stupid."

"Kakashi is over there, idiot." Anko said, pointing towards the lazy ninja who was giggling to himself while reading his book.

"Pssst, Neji." said Guy in a loud whisper. "Who is this strange man that is claiming to be my rival?"

"Kisame."

"Kiss me? Neji, I am your teacher. That is _not_ appropriate."

"His name is KISAME!" shouted Neji.

"Ooooohhhh right, I think I know who he is." said Guy.

"Really?" the blue-skinned man said happily. "I'm glad you remember me after all."

"Yes, you must be one of those genins that Tsunade-sama was begging me to take on. I'm sorry but I cannot abandon my current team, they still need my guidance."

"I am not a genin; I am an S-ranked missing nin." Kisame snarled.

Tobi then appeared from behind some trees. He had changed into a horrible green spandex jumpsuit paired with some orange stripy legwarmers and his usual orange swirly mask.

"Kisame-san!" he yelled. "I'll save you from those bad doggies." He grabbed the food that Yamato had just finished cooking threw it all over Kisame. "There you go doggies, eat that instead of the big stinky fish."

"I am not a fish and I definitely do not stink, I have at least four baths a day." the aquatic ninja said indignantly, pulling out noodles and chunks of beef from his navy blue hair.

Neji had activated his ocular jutsu. "That odd person who's been following us is right beneath us!"

Zetsu poked out of the ground and tried to grab Tobi but he dodged and ran towards Yamato.

"**Come here you little dipshit!" **

"Zetsu-san! I want you to meet my new friends. This is Captain Yamato; he makes Tobi lots of wooden toys to play with."

The plant-ninja catches up and again tries to grab him but Tobi evades and runs towards Guy.

"This is Guy-sempai. He gives Tobi piggy-back rides."

Zetsu pauses in his chase and eyes Guy up and down. "You sexy beast." he purrs.

"Stop flirting with the enemy and rescue Tobi-chan." Kisame yells at him.

Tobi was now standing next to Anko. "This is Anko-san." he introduced. "She likes to drink people's blood. Maybe you could share your food with her Zetsu-san?"

Zetsu tackled Tobi, however he used his space-time ninjutsu and so Zetsu passed right through him and landed flat on his face.

"This is supposed to be a rescue? You guys are pathetic." Anko said.

"Yes, it's _supposed _to be a rescue." Kisame said while attempting to shake a growling Pakkun off his forearm. "But it looks like Tobi-chan could have easily escaped on his own. He's not even tied up and has full use of his chakra."

"**Yes, what are you doing travelling with these guys? You should have come to find us earlier." **"I was worried about you."

"Tobi likes his new friends. They're lots of fun."

"He's one of us now." said Anko. "But we don't want you two freaks joining our village, so go away."

"What the fuck have you done to him? Why have you turned my cute Tobi-chan into a clone of that bizarre beast?" Kisame said angrily, pointing at Guy.

"Don't you think my new outfit makes me look youthful?" Tobi said, giving a twirl to show off his green and orange ensemble.

"Absolutely!" Guy gave him a thumbs-up.

"You've corrupted him." Kisame bemoaned.

"No, he was already overflowing with youth before I met him."

"He's coming back with us." said Zetsu. "I don't know how you convinced him to go along with you peacefully, but I know it's all just lies. You have no intention of letting him join your village; you're probably just taking him there so you can torture him for information before killing him."

"We wouldn't kill Tobi-san, he's a good boy." said Yamato.

"Besides, we want him to pass on that bloodline limit of his." added Anko.

"**How is he even going to get a girlfriend when he refuses to take off his mask?"** asked Zetsu.

"Kakashi-sempai manages somehow." said the wood nin, with a glance at Anko.

"Don't look at me! I hate children; I'm definitely not having that Uchiha's retarded babies."

"Tobi still doesn't understand how babies are made." Tobi confessed.

"Well, I suppose I could teach you a thing or two about how it's done."

"Oh yay! Tobi has a new sensei." he said, delighted. "When do my lessons begin?"

"How about right now?" Anko dropped her coat to the ground and posed sexily, showing off her curves. She was wearing a mini-skirt over a fishnet bodysuit that didn't do much at all to conceal her large round breasts.

"Lucky bastard." muttered Kisame enviously.

"Your first lesson will be a practical one; you've got to please me to get a passing grade."

"Wait!" called out Neji. "We've just been attacked by these two Akatsuki; this isn't the time for sex ed lessons."

"I'm not going to cock-block my friend." said Kisame. "Let's have a truce; we need to discuss what we're going to do with him anyway. Now please call these mutts off me!"

Kakashi clapped his book shut and his canine summons released the shark-man and scattered. Kisame doused himself with water to wash off all the dog slobber. He scowled at the book in the copy nin's hands.

"Aren't you a fan of Icha Icha?" asked Kakashi.

"I am not! That's the awful book that Itachi-san made me read to him after he lost his eyesight."

"Oh yeah, he made you read it in your sexy voice." said Zetsu. "I loved listening in on you."

"I don't want anything to do with that trash again!"

"How dare you call Icha Icha Tactics trash!" Kakashi said indignantly. "It's the greatest story the late Jiraiya-sama ever penned. I've read it a dozen times already and I have to say, this level of drama, fluttering of the heart, burning tragedy, the evil secrets, and the beautiful love of a man and a woman is truly wonderful."

"Also it has a lot of interesting things to try out in bed." added Anko. "Speaking of which, we should go somewhere more private Tobi."

"What do you mean? It's not Tobi's bedtime yet."

Anko led him away by the hand.

"So you wanted to discuss what you're going to do with him?" said Neji.

"There's nothing to discuss, he's _my _best friend and I'm not letting you take him." said Zetsu.

"He has the opportunity to give up the life of a missing nin and become an honest ninja." the Hyuuga pointed out. "If you call yourself his friend then you should let him come with us."

"Maybe we can all become Leaf shinobi." said Kisame hopefully.

"I don't think so." Kakashi told the Akatsuki shark. "We wouldn't want to anger the Mizukage, you're the Mist's most wanted criminal. And you called Icha Icha Tactics trash."

Kisame grinned. "Well your village is trash too, after what Pain-sama did to it."

"Don't insult our village err… Fish-san." said Guy, forgetting Kisame's name once again. "The buildings may have all been destroyed but what makes our village so strong lives on, we people with the Will of Fire and a youthful outlook."

"I'm afraid we don't want you either." said Yamato to the plant-ninja. "We heard that you're a cannibal, we don't want the people of the Leaf on the menu."

"That's a shame. I've had my eye on Chouji for a while." Zetsu licked his lips.

"I think we should leave it up to Tobi-chan to decide who to go with." Kisame said.

"No way, he's coming with us whether he likes it or not." Zetsu told him.

"If these guys are serious then he might be better off with them."

"**I don't trust them."**

Kisame turned towards his enemies. "If your intention was to hand Tobi-chan over to that sadist Ibiki Morino, then I advise against it because if any harm comes to him then I swear I will have revenge against your village. I will lie in wait for any teams that leave on missions and send them all home with missing limbs. I don't think even Tsunade-sama can regrow arms and legs, is that right?"

"I can." said Zetsu smugly. **"Has your Hokage recovered from her coma yet?"**

"No." said Guy sadly. "Our village is greatly lessened without her strength and beauty."

"**So who's in charge now?"**

Before that question could be answered, a piercing scream could be heard. Tobi came sprinting towards them and dived on top of his new sempai.

"Guy-sempai, that crazy lady tried to make Tobi get naked." he said in a panicked voice.

"Dammit Tobi-chan, there is something seriously wrong with you. How can you turn down a hot babe like her?" Kisame said, with a nod towards the fishnet-clad woman who had followed Tobi back.

"I can't believe I got rejected." she said, aghast. "The only way to restore my honour is to murder you and bathe in your blood."

"I'm sorry Anko-sensei, please don't hurt Tobi." the lollipop-faced Uchiha begged.

"Calm down Anko, Tobi is valuable to us." said Kakashi.

"**He belongs with the Akatsuki." **"You want to stay with us right? I promise to tell you a bedtime story every night." Zetsu attempted to persuade the simple-minded Uchiha.

"Konoha has lots of tasty things to eat and lots of pretty girls to play with." Kakashi countered.

"Tobi can't wait to get to the Hidden Leaf village!" Tobi said excitedly. "I think I'll have a tea party when I get there. You're invited Neji-san and bring your pretty cousin too. Also invite that girl who looks like Deidara-sempai, I heard she really likes flowers so I'm going to pick some for her."

"How do you know so much about our shinobi?" asked Neji.

"Zetsu-san always records the chuunin exams so we can watch them. Last time Kakuzu-san got really angry when he lost a bet to Kisame-san, it was scary. He didn't think the shark-girl would win."

"My niece did very well indeed." said Kisame proudly.

"She only won because the Mizukage cheated and held the tournament in the middle of a lake." said Neji.

"Kisame-san is in love with the Mizukage." Tobi said.

Kisame blushed. "No I'm not."

"Yes you are, you talk in your sleep and say things like…"

"SHUT UP!" Kisame took a swing at Tobi but his fist past right through the intangible shinobi.

"They already know all about your infatuation with Mei." said Zetsu. **"Yeah, Konan told them all about it."**

Kisame looked horrified. "Does Mei-sama know?"

"**Yes." **

The former Hidden Mist ninja fell to his knees. "Noooooooooooooooooo!"

"Cheer up Kisame-san. Maybe Mei-sama loves you too." said Tobi, giving him a sympathetic pat on shoulder.

Anko sniggered. "Yeah right."

"Surely it's better to let the lovely Mizukage know of your feelings than to keep them bottled up forever inside, Fish-san?" said Guy.

"No and stop calling me that, I'm not a fish. My name is Kisame Hoshigaki, please try to remember it."

"Let's get going." Neji pulled Tobi away from the downcast blue man. "We've got a tea party to attend. Now say goodbye to your Akatsuki teammates."

Black Zetsu growled angrily.

"We promise to take good care of him." said Yamato.

"I don't want to leave them behind. Why can't all my friends play together?" Tobi asked.

"We can't allow S-ranked criminals like those two in our village. You've got to choose who to stay with." Yamato told him.

"He's already decided to stick with us." said Neji.

"Yeah" said Kakashi. "He stayed with us even after regaining his chakra several nights ago."

"Although he did cause us a lot of trouble." Guy chuckled.

"Yes he stole all my dangos!" said Anko. "Neji you freaky-eyed idiot, it's your fault. You did a shit job of keeping his chakra points sealed; you should have poked him harder."

"Why do you keep calling me freaky-eyes? Yours don't have pupils too."

"Yeah well at least I don't have any nasty veins all around them, that is just gross."

"Shut up you… you…" Neji faltered, afraid to say any offensive words in front of his teacher and get a mouthful of soap again.

"Oooooohhh, I'm scared." she said sarcastically. "Please don't be mean to me, you might make me cry."

"You're just jealous because I'm way better looking than you."

They continued arguing but Tobi ignored them, lost in thought. He had really enjoyed his time as a prisoner and he wanted to go to the Hidden Leaf Village, but he looked at the depressed Zetsu and Kisame and realised that didn't want to leave them either.

"Oh stop bickering you two!" Yamato admonished Neji and Anko. He then turned towards the conflicted Uchiha. "Have you decided yet?"

Tobi enfolded Zetsu in a tight hug. "You're my bestest friend Zetsu-san, I'm going to stay with you."

Zetsu wrapped both his arms around Tobi. "Thanks Tobi, I would've really missed you if you'd abandoned us." **"You'd better not try to leave the Akatsuki again."**


	7. Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

...

"We're not just going to let you leave." Anko said, drawing a kunai.

Kisame unslung the giant sword that hung on his back and grinned happily. "Good, I was hoping for a fight."

"Stop!" yelled Tobi. "I don't want my friends trying to kill each other."

"Maybe it would be best to leave them alone for now. These are S-ranked ninja; taking three on at once would be very difficult even for us." said Kakashi. Although the real reason he didn't want to fight them was because he had a soft spot for the silly Uchiha, he reminded him so much of his childhood friend. He didn't want to see him get hurt.

"Alright. You can go but you'd better not come after Naruto or we _will _kill you, just like we did Sasori, Kakuzu, Hidan and Pain." Neji threatened.

"Goodbye Tobi, I'll miss your youthful exuberance." Guy said with tears streaming down his face.

"We're not going just yet. Tobi hasn't had anything to eat." the swirly-faced man said.

"Well you ruined the meal I just cooked." accused Yamato.

"That's ok; Tobi will make lunch for everyone!"

"Can I kill them after we've had lunch?" Kisame asked.

"NO!" shouted Tobi.

Kisame reluctantly put Samehada away. He strolled over to Guy. "Then maybe we could have a friendly spar later? We'll fight one-on-one this time."

Guy looked puzzled. "Have we fought before? I don't remember seeing you."

Kisame's feelings were deeply hurt at being forgotten. He moved away from the mixed group of Akatsuki and Leaf shinobi and flopped to the forest floor, sulking.

Zetsu approached the forgetful man. "Hey, why don't you sit next to me?"

They all settled down near the campfire while Tobi began his meal preparations. Zetsu leaned his white side against the green beast and put an arm around him.

Guy looked flustered and tried to pull away from Zetsu. "I'm sorry but I only go for the fairer sex."

"So when was the last time you had a girlfriend?" Anko asked.

"It's been a while." he admitted. "Most ladies are intimidated by my overflowing youth and manliness."

She snorted with laughter. "No, I think it's because any woman would be completely embarrassed to be seen with a weirdo like you."

"That's enough Anko-san; you should tone down the bitchiness." Yamato told her.

Guy sighed. She was right, the only woman he'd ever been with was Lee's mother and that was a long time ago and he was so drunk at the time that he couldn't even remember all the good stuff that happened. She'd threatened to kill herself if people ever found out that she'd slept with him and so he couldn't even officially acknowledge his wonderful son.

Was he really that much of an embarrassment that no woman would want to date him? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have a male lover, seeing as no woman would ever return his affections. He sent an appraising look towards the man at his side; he did have striking yellow eyes and his hair was a lovely shade of green. It was a shame they were enemies.

"It looks like you're checking him out." stated Anko.

Guy blushed. "I can't fraternise with the enemy, aren't there rules against that?"

"No way. I sleep with enemies all the time, for the good of Konoha."

"How so?"

"You know, to gather information and stuff."

Guy sprang up energetically. "Yosh! Then I will make love to this uniquely handsome villain for the good of Konoha!"

"I don't think you'll be able to get information out of him if he knows that's the only reason you're doing it." Neji pointed out.

"Oh we know that's not the only reason." Zetsu gave a half-smirk, the lips on his white side curling up while his face split into two as black Zetsu started to pull apart. The two sides of his face quickly snapped back together, the dominant white half wouldn't let black Zetsu escape. **"Let me go!" **"No way, I'm going to have my way with this sexy beast and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

Yamato groaned. "If you're going to do this then go somewhere where we can't see and hear anything."

Neji watched the two men leave together with a look of disgust on his pretty face. "That's just disturbing." he said.

"Now now Neji, there's nothing wrong with man love." Kakashi rebuked.

Anko had a speculative look in her eyes. "Then why don't you and Yamato…"

"I don't think so." Yamato cut her off.

Anko continued to pester him about engaging in sexual acts with his sempai. Eventually he got fed up and left. He approached the lone shark.

"Hi, do you mind me keeping you company?" he asked.

Kisame ignored him but Yamato sat down next to him nonetheless.

"Are you still upset because Guy-san forgot who you are?"

"Leave me alone." Kisame said grumpily.

"I understand how you feel, people forget about me all the time. Even my own teammates do, they keep returning home without me after missions." Yamato said sadly.

"Really? Itachi-san never left me behind."

"Yeah. I wouldn't mind so much if it was just Naruto-kun, he is brainless after all, but Sakura-san forgets me too. Sometimes I worry about getting captured by the enemy because I doubt I'd get rescued, my teammates would just carry on and forget I ever existed."

"That's awful!" Kisame exclaimed. He did feel a little cheered up though, his rival always forgot about him but he was sure that Zetsu and Tobi never would.

Anko walked up to the two chatting enemies and Kisame found himself staring at her boobs. He eventually tore his eyes away and brought them upwards to meet hers. She'd noticed him staring but seemed pleased; a small smile graced her face.

"You look incredibly beautiful." he complimented.

"Oh thanks." she said. "You look incredibly… blue."

"Are you going to seduce me for information?" he asked hopefully.

"How about you tell me what I want to know and _then _I'll fuck you. Where are the tailed beasts?"

"Err… they're in Amegakure." he said, breaking eye contact with her.

"You're a bad liar."

He sighed regretfully. "I can't give away Akatsuki secrets, even to a stunning lady like you."

"You're missing out on a lot of fun. I am completely _wild _in bed." she said with a seductive smile. "Isn't that right Captain?"

Yamato's face turned bright red with embarrassment.

"Food is done, come and get it." yelled Tobi.

They enjoyed their meal. A long while later Guy and Zetsu returned.

"So… did you manage to get him to spill any info?" asked Anko.

"Yes and he kindly wrote it all down for me so I wouldn't forget." said Guy, waving a scroll.

"Really? Let me see that." Neji took it off him and browsed through it. "This is a very detailed report on Konan and the Hidden Rain Village."

"Hey Neji-san." said Tobi. "What is that crusty white stuff on the back of that scroll you're holding?"

Neji yelped and threw the scroll at Anko, who caught it deftly.

"Good job Guy." she said. "I think you've proved that seduction is a useful skill for male ninja as well as kunoichi. When we get back I think I'll suggest to Danzo-sama that you be put in charge of seduction lessons for the young men. I'm sure he'll agree."

She winked at Neji who glared hatefully at the evil woman.

"**Did you just say Danzo? Don't tell me he's in charge of Konoha now…" **Zetsu said.

"I'm afraid he is, unless Tsunade-sama wakes from her coma soon." said Kakashi.

"**I can't believe you were going to take Tobi to that bastard. I should eat you all alive!"**

"I take it you have a problem with Danzo-sama." Anko said.

"**He was the one behind the Uchiha clan massacre."**

"That's not true." said Kakashi. "It was Itachi Uchiha who murdered his own family."

"He only did it because Danzo-san ordered him to." Kisame said.

The Leaf ninja were shocked at this revelation. They'd decided that they couldn't let someone who would slaughter his own people become the Hokage. They planned to revolt when they got back home.

"I don't want to be the Hokage." said Kakashi gloomily. "It's way too much responsibility. Can't someone else do it?"

"It's either you or Danzo-san." said Neji.

Kakashi sighed.

"I know how you feel." Kisame emphasised. "I'm stuck being in charge of the Akatsuki now that Pain-sama is dead. I'd rather not be, but someone has to do it."

"You only have two underlings." said Kakashi dismissively. "I'll have an entire village to look after."

Anko slithered up to Zetsu. "Hey are the rumours true?" she asked and then whispered something into his ear.

"An acorn? It wasn't quite _that_ small."

"But smaller than average?"

"Yeah, it was a bit of a disappointment." **"Hey, do you want to hear something interesting."** Zetsu said and began to whisper into her ear.

Anko's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yes really." confirmed white Zetsu.

"I love big trouser snakes!" she exclaimed and sent and appraising look towards Kisame.

"**So are you two going to hook up?"**

She thought about it for a moment. "Nah, I don't want to fuck a fish." she declined.

Kisame sighed with disappointment.

"**I tried bro."**

"Thanks anyway Zetsu-san."

Zetsu noticed all the empty bowls. "Did you not save any food for us?"

"I'm sorry Zetsu-san but you were gone a long time and I couldn't stop them from stealing your share." Tobi apologised.

"That's alright; I'll go and find something to eat in the woods."

Guy picked up a bowl and tasted the cold leftover sauce. Finding it delicious, he proceeded to lick clean every bowl.

"Well at least we won't have to wash them now." Anko joked.

"I think we do. You don't know where his mouth has been." said Neji, staring pointedly at the retreating Zetsu.

"Throw them all away." commanded Yamato. "I'll make new bowls later."

Tobi giggled. "Why would you put that in there?"

Kisame looked over at him and noticed that he'd somehow got hold of Kakashi's smutty novel.

"Stop reading that!" he shouted and sent a torrent of water to smash the book out of Tobi's hands.

Kakashi picked up the sodden book, it was completely ruined. His body started twitching uncontrollably and he momentarily lost the ability to speak, only managing to utter small whimpering sounds of distress.

Soon Zetsu came back from his hunt, carrying a half-eaten dog's carcass.

"Pakkun!" Kakashi wailed and snatched the dead dog from Zetsu's hands.

"Hey, I wasn't finished with that!" **"Whatever, it didn't taste that good anyway." **

"It would of eaten you if you hadn't of eaten it first." Tobi said wisely.

Kakashi buried the little pug, trying his best to hold back tears. He promised to have his name transcribed upon the memorial stone and to speak with his spirit every day. He then stood up straight and faced Kisame and Zetsu.

"It takes a lot to get me worked up, but _you_ destroyed my copy of Tactics that was signed by Jiraiya-sama and _you _killed and ate my faithful hound Pakkun." he lifted his forehead protector to reveal his sharingan. "The copy ninja Kakashi, the man who copied one thousand jutsu's… is about to go on a RAMPAGE!"

"Oh yeah?" Kisame smirked and gripped the hilt of his sword. "You have a pitiful amount of chakra, Samehada will be able to drain it all in one go."

Kakashi put both his hands together. "Sexy no Jutsu!"

He transformed into a slender beauty, her long silver hair done up in pigtails. She was naked besides from a cloth mask covering the lower half of her face. Wisps of cloud trailed around her body, obscuring all the naughty bits. Then she stepped forward, leaving behind her cloudy cover and walked sexily over to Kisame. Mesmerised, Kisame released his hold of Samehada. She pressed her body against his and caressed his broad shoulders and gilled arms.

"I love you Kisame-san. I want you so much."

He gazed deeply into her mismatched eyes and then reached up to remove her mask. Just as he was about to touch it, a hand unexpectedly grabbed his ankle and pulled him into the earth leaving only his head above ground. He looked up. The woman was standing above him, her legs apart to reveal a very nice view indeed.

Kisame had a nosebleed so intense he passed out from blood loss.

Sexy no Jutsu Kakashi turned her attention towards Zetsu.

"That's not going to work on me." Zetsu told her. "I'm half gay, you know."

"Too bad." she said before disappearing with a puff of smoke.

"Now it's just you left." said Anko. "You're dead, Plant-head!"

She was upon him in an instant, slashing wildly with a kunai. He wasn't that good at taijutsu and so she quickly scored a few hits. She allowed him to retreat while she licked her blade, savouring the sticky blood.

Yamato joined the fray, his arms becoming wood and forking off into many twisting branches. They extended rapidly, heading directly for Zetsu but large roots erupted from the ground to block them.

"**You're not the only wood-user here." **Zetsu chuckled as the wooden offshoots wrestled for dominance.

Anko summoned dozens of venomous snakes. They slithered around the entwined roots and branches, closing in on the Akatsuki plant-man. He slammed down large pointed roots to impale them. Yamato gained the upper hand as his opponent was distracted by the snakes. His branches overwhelmed the roots and wrapped securely around Zetsu.

"Give up or I'll have to kill you." Yamato said and squeezed him tightly as warning.

Zetsu unleashed his spore technique.

White goo grew all around Yamato, restricting his movement and absorbing his chakra. Several heads, looking just like white Zetsu, formed from the goo and grinned at him.

"Let me go and I'll let you go." they spoke to him, and one nibbled at his ear.

A white Zetsu clone grew from Anko's shoulder. "Mmmmm, you look delicious." he told her.

"Stop hitting on me, you freak." she said.

"I wasn't." the clone said and took a bite from her face.

She screamed with rage and attempted to plunge her kunai into him, but a couple of white arms emerged from the goo she was covered in and grabbed her wrist. He disarmed her and pressed the weapon against her throat.

"**Now you can't kill me unless you want her to die too." **Zetsu told Yamato, and felt the constricting branches loosen slightly.

"Squish him, Yamato-san!" Neji called out.

"I can't do that, he'll slit Anko-san's throat."

"If he does then we'll just kill his unconscious teammate as revenge."

"Standoff's suck." Zetsu sighed.

"Yes but if we all remain calm and reasonable, then maybe we'll all get out of this alive." said Yamato.

"Alright, I'm going to leave and I'm taking Kisame and Tobi with me. Then I'll release my hostage."

"I don't trust you to keep your word. I'm not letting you go just yet."

"**You can't stop me."**

Zetsu merged his body with the wood that was holding him and passed harmlessly through it, sinking into the ground.

"ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!" a muffled roar could be heard from underground.

Zetsu was poked so hard in the butt that he went flying out of the earth and high into the sky.

Kakashi flickered behind him and Zetsu barely managed to twist around in time to block his attack. He was inexperienced at aerial fighting and his opponent could predict his every move with his sharingan, he failed to land even a single blow on the copy ninja. Then Kakashi started pulling junk out of thin air and throwing it at him.

"Where are you getting all this stuff from?" Zetsu asked.

"I took it from everyone's backpacks earlier." Kakashi told him.

A pair of Yamato's boxers hit Zetsu in the face, making him unable to see. Then Kakashi threw one of Guy's dumbbells at his head, knocking him unconscious. Zetsu fell from the sky but was caught safely in his lover's strong arms. Kakashi landed nearby and pulled out a kunai.

"Stay back; I won't let you murder him." Guy said.

"He killed Pakkun!" shouted Kakashi.

"This is not like you Kakashi. Do not let revenge get the better of you."

"Forget about the dog." said Neji. "We should kill him because he's an evil cannibal. If we don't then he'll go on to eat more innocent people."

"Tobi is going to rescue him!" declared Tobi.

He touched Zetsu and his black and white body distorted and swirled around rapidly before vanishing into the eyehole of Tobi's mask. He then went to Kisame and he too was sucked into Tobi's eye. The leaf ninja attempted to stop him but Tobi rendered himself intangible.

"Tobi will miss you all." he said, full of sorrow.

"I'll miss you too." Guy said. "Tell Zetsu that my love for him will bloom for eternity."

"Ok. Bye-bye sempai." Tobi said before teleporting away.


	8. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

...

Zetsu and Kisame were expelled from Tobi's dimension and found themselves in the middle of a huge bustling marketplace.

"Where are we?" asked Kisame, looking around in wonder at all the sights.

"We seem to be in the capital city of the Fire Country." said Zetsu.

"Yep." said Tobi. "I thought you'd probably want to buy Tobi lots of presents for rescuing you, so I brought you to this big city."

"I'd love to buy you something nice but the Kazekage took everything I had when he captured me. I'm penniless. " Kisame said.

"I don't carry any money with me." said Zetsu. "Having no pockets is one of the drawbacks about being a nudist." **"But going without clothes feels so liberating." **"True, you should all try it."

"No way!" said Tobi.

"At least change out of that horrid jumpsuit you're wearing." Kisame said.

"But Guy-sempai gave it to me and he said it's makes me look youthful."

"I promise to buy you some even better clothes when I get hold of some money."

"**Where are you going to get cash from?"**

Kisame grinned. "Armed robbery sounds like fun."

"No, I think I'll be able to steal from the local bounty collection office without being seen."** "You two wait here; you'll just get in my way." **

The stealthy spy departed. Kisame questioned Tobi about what happened after he'd sucked them into his dimension yesterday. Tobi had accidently teleported into the Hidden Leaf Village and had lots of wacky adventures with Rock Lee and Naruto before Danzo discovered him. Then he had fun playing tag with some ANBU and Root squads before he got defeated in battle by Konohamaru and had to flee the village.

Zetsu returned just as Tobi finished his long and entertaining tale. He was carrying a sack over his shoulder.

"You're back, let's go shopping!" Tobi said eagerly.

"**I don't want to carry this sack around all day." **"Let's find an inn first."

They wandered around until they spotted an inn. Across the street from it was a dojo. Kisame opened the door and peered inside at all the taijutsu practitioners.

"**What are you doing? The inn is over here." **

Kisame turned around with a wide grin. "I think this is an excellent place to hold Akatsuki tryouts."

An old man from within the dojo approached him. "Do you wish to sign up for taijutsu lessons?"

"No sir, I was hoping I could rent out this place tomorrow afternoon."

"I'd hate to see any damage done to my precious dojo, I'm sorry but I won't rent this place out to strangers no matter how much you have to offer."

"You should if you know what's good for you." Kisame threatened.

"How about we have a little wager? If you can defeat my best student at taijutsu then you may do as you wish. If not, then you'll have to find some other place to use."

A young man stepped forward and bowed. "I will be your opponent."

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!" Tobi leapt through the doorway and hit him in the face with a flying kick.

The martial arts master quickly recovered and attacked Tobi with a flurry of blows.

"Stop!" the aged sensei commanded. He looked at the man in green spandex and orange legwarmers. "You must be another one of Might Guy's students."

"Oh, do you know Guy-sempai?"

"Yes, I greatly admire him. His dedication to the martial arts is second to none. Well seeing as you are friends of his then I'll be happy to let you use my dojo tomorrow afternoon. Please take good care of it."

"Ok, it's a promise." Tobi performed the nice guy pose. After leaving the dojo he giggled and said "We're totally going to wreck that place tomorrow aren't we?"

The criminal trio paid for a room at the inn.

"What's this about Akatsuki tryouts?" asked Zetsu, reclining on a bed.

"We need more members." said Kisame. "I think we'll interview each candidate and if they seem suitable then we'll have them fight one of us to test their abilities."

"Alright, but how are we going to spread the word about this?"

"I don't know. Maybe we could make some leaflets and hand them out later?"

"Tobi has paper!" the masked man brought some sheets of paper from within his dimension. "But I ate all my crayons, sorry."

"You must have some nail polish with you right?" Kisame asked.

"Yep, here you go." Tobi presented him with a wide array of different coloured bottles.

Kisame chose some purple nail polish and wrote 'Akatsuki Tryouts' on a sheet of paper with it, his tongue sticking out between his pointed teeth in concentration. Underneath he wrote the address of the dojo in blue and the date and time the tryouts were being held in red. Zetsu decorated it by drawing lots of flowers around the border.

Tobi clapped his hands together in delight. "That looks so pretty."

"**We just need to get it photocopied now." **"Let's touch up our nails before we go."

They painted each other's nails and waited for them to dry.

"I wonder who will want to join us." said Tobi. "I hope they are nice to Tobi."

"Maybe we'll find a suitable leader." Kisame said hopefully.

"Hey, don't go giving the leadership away to a stranger." said Zetsu.

"I guess you're right, I should get to know someone properly before I consider putting them in charge."

"You could put me in charge." **"Yes I promise to be a good leader and treat my underlings with respect" **"Mwahahahahahahaha." **"Stop laughing!" **"Bwahahahahaha!"

Kisame stuffed his pockets with money and hid the sack under a bed. Zetsu left some clones to guard it and they all set off. They got hundreds of copies of their leaflet made in full colour. They each grabbed a share.

"Zetsu-san, you put yours up in shop windows." ordered Kisame. "We'll hand the rest out. Tobi-chan, only give them to people who look like shinobi ok."

"**Where will we meet once we're done?" **

"In the marketplace where Tobi-chan first brought us. Then we'll get some shopping done."

Kisame was the first to finish and Zetsu not long after. Getting impatient, Zetsu sent some clones to look for Tobi. Soon one of them came back carrying Tobi over his shoulder; he was still clutching about half of his allotted leaflets.

"Let me go Zetsu-clone. I'm not done yet!" pleaded Tobi.

"He was just passing them out to all the pretty civilian women." the clone informed the real Zetsu.

"**We should let him hand the rest out." **"No, the clone will do it."

"Gi Gi Gi."

"Samehada wants to visit a weapon shop." Kisame translated.

They looked around the market for a while. Tobi saw the Icha Icha series in a book stall but Kisame adamantly refused to buy them for him. Then they left to find a weapon shop. As soon as they entered, Kisame set Samehada on the floor and it slithered over to a sword rack and knocked it over. All the swords clattered noisily to the floor and Samehada began wriggling around on top of them.

"Tobi wants a new toy!" Tobi said. "Didn't you promise to buy me a present earlier?"

"Yeah, you can have a new weapon if you want." Kisame told him.

"Yay! How about this?" He grabbed a nunchaku and whirled it around expertly, passing it from hand to hand with the spare handle on the chain being flicked around so fast it looked like a blur.

"Nice Tobi, I didn't know you could use them." Zetsu said admiringly.

He spoke too soon. Tobi accidently hit himself between the legs and collapsed to floor.

Kisame winced. "I don't think that nunchucks are suitable for you."

He browsed the selection of weaponry and pulled out a long chain with a manacle on each end.

"Hey Tobi-chan, I've not seen you use chains in a while."

Tobi got up and staggered around unsteadily. "No, I'm going to work hard until I master the use of these nunchucks. That is what youth is all about!"

Kisame paid for the nunchaku and then picked up his frisky sword.

"Gi Gi Gi."

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself Samehada. Now let's go and buy some clothes."

"**I'll meet you at the inn later." **"See ya!" Zetsu started to leave but a blue hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"No, you're coming too."

"**I'm not going to wear any clothes!" **

"We'll be interviewing people tomorrow; we should all dress formally for that. You can go back to being nude afterwards."

"Very well." Zetsu capitulated.

They went to a tailor. It didn't take too long for Tobi and Kisame to get their new clothes made. Tobi was looking sophisticated in a fitted black suit and tie. Kisame had opted for a traditional kimono in dark blue and Samehada was tightly wrapped in white silk.

"Hey Kisame-san…" Tobi looked nervous.

"What is it?"

"Are you upset that Zetsu-san is my bestest friend, instead of you?"

"No, it's fine. You Uchiha's have a habit of murdering your best friends so in this case I'm quite happy to be second best."

"Oh that's good." Tobi cuddled up to his brawny companion. "If I'm an Uchiha does that mean I'm related to Itachi-san?"

"Yes."

"I wish we knew that when he was still alive. He would of played with me more often don't you think?"

"Err yes." Kisame lied kindly. Itachi had always known that Tobi was an Uchiha but tried his best to avoid his annoying relative.

Eventually, Zetsu emerged. He was dressed in a motley suit, the jacket and trousers were black on one side and white on the other matching Zetsu's natural colouring. Beneath the jacket he wore a green shirt with a popped collar and the top few buttons undone.

"This is uncomfortable." **I don't like it." **he complained.

"That's a shame, I think you look very dashing in it." complimented Kisame.

"Thanks, why don't we ditch Tobi and go on a date together?"

Kisame looked startled. "Ah, I'm sorry Zetsu-san. I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea, I am _definitely_ straight."

"I know, but it's fun teasing you." Zetsu winked.

"Gi Gi Gi Gi?"

"Samehada wants some sake." said Kisame. "I suppose a few drinks won't hurt, but let's not overdo it. We're going to be busy tomorrow."

They found a bar and ordered some beverages. Kisame and his sentient sword had sake while the other two chose brightly coloured cocktails, complete with straws, umbrellas and citrus fruit.

Zetsu slurped his alcohol through the straw. "Mmmm, this is good."

"Zetsu-san, that girl over there is staring at you." Tobi observed.

The woman got up and approached the green-haired man. "Wow, I love your fashion sense." she said. "It's so eccentric but still looks really smart."

"**Thanks, I think you look really cute." **

"Do you mind if I sit here with you guys?" she asked with a bright smile.

"**Sure." **"I don't think so. Go away."

"Um, what?" she looked confused.

"I'm not interested in you. You're wasting your time." **That's not true, please stay!"**

"Actually… I just remembered that I have to be somewhere else." she backed away from the split-personality man.

"**Why do you always turn away any chicks that like me? I hate you." **Zetsu told himself.

"Why don't you split into half?" suggested Tobi. "Then black Zetsu-san can smooch all the girls and white Zetsu-san can smooch all the guys and everyone is happy!"

"**That won't work." **"Yeah I look really ugly with half my face missing so I won't get any smooches at all."

"You should let your black side have some fun every now and then." Kisame said. "It's only fair seeing as you made him have sex with that bizarre beast, Might Guy."

Zetsu shuddered. **"I'm still traumatised by that experience."**

"Anko-sensei told me that sex is how babies are made." said Tobi. "Are you going to have a baby Zetsu-san?"

"**Fuck no!" **"Although I do think babies are delicious, especially with barbecue sauce."

"So are you going to stop scaring away any ladies that are interested in you? It's only fair." Kisame repeated.

"Oh fine, but I'm going to kill and eat them afterwards." **"You're a dick!"**

"And I thought your black side was the evil one." Kisame muttered.

After a few more drinks, Zetsu decided to hit the dance floor. He was a smooth dancer and attracted a large crowd cheering him on.

"Whoooo! That looks like fun. Let's join him Kisame-san." said an intoxicated Tobi.

"No, I'll just stay here." Kisame declined. He had no sense of rhythm and couldn't dance to save his life.

"C'mon, dancing is a very youthful activity."

"I don't want to, go ahead without me."

Tobi made his way to the dance floor and started flailing his limbs about enthusiastically. The surrounding people moved out of the way to avoid being hit. He brought out his nunchaku and started swinging it around while leaping and twirling wildly.

"Well Samehada, I guess we can both relax and enjoy a few drinks together." said Kisame.

"Gi Gi Gi." Samehada abandoned him and slithered over to the dance floor.

Kisame sat drinking alone, feeling awkward and left out.


	9. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

...

"I hope lots of people show up." Tobi said nervously. "What if nobody wants to join us?"

"We're still a little early. I'm sure plenty of people will be here soon." Kisame reassured him.

They waited silently, all eyes fixed on the double doors of the dojo. Soon they slammed open and a badass-looking woman strode in. She was wearing black samurai armour and had a very long sword slung across her back. Her face had a flinty expression and showed the scars of battle and the lines of age.

"**You seem to be a seasoned shinobi." **said Zetsu. "What is your name?"

"I'm Sawako the bounty hunter. What do you mean by 'seasoned'?" she asked.

"**I mean you look like you could handle yourself in a fight."**

"And you are?" she stared intently at Kisame.

"I'm Kisame Hoshigaki, pleased to meet you." he barred his sharp teeth in a grin.

"I'm Tobi!" announced Tobi, but Sawako ignored him and continued to stare at the blue hunk.

"Well." said Kisame, slightly unnerved. "Why do you want to join the Akatsuki?"

"I don't."

"**Then what the fuck are you doing here?" **

"I heard your once feared organisation had been reduced to three idiots running around. I just wanted to see for myself how far you've fallen." she sneered.

"That is most unyouthful." stated Tobi.

"What do you mean by that? Are you saying that I'm _old?_"

"My my, it seems that you've hit a nerve Tobi-chan." Kisame smirked.

She left in a huff and after a while Team Hebi entered. Kisame was happy to see the cute Suigetsu and Itachi's little brother and immediately offered them a place in the Akatsuki.

"We don't want to join you." said Sasuke. "But you three can join Team Hebi if you want. We're going to attack Konoha."

"**Bah! We're not going to accept some sulky little brat as our leader." **Zetsu rejected his offer.

Tobi flickered over to Sasuke and caught him in a surprise hug. "Hey Sasuke-kun, did you know we're related? Maybe I can be your new big bro?"

"Get off me!"

Juugo forcibly separated them and Team Hebi departed. Next to enter was Team Samui.

"Cloud ninja eh?" noted Zetsu. "Your village doesn't have any missing nin, the Raikage stops at nothing to kill anyone that betrays your village."

"We're not here to join you, we just came to give you a warning." said Samui.

"Yeah! You'd better stay away from our sensei, Killer B." Karui threatened.

"He's the Eight-tails jinchuuriki right? I think we will. It was Pain-sama's plan to collect all the tailed beasts that got most of us killed." said Kisame, and then turned to his two associates. "Let's just go back to accepting whatever missions we can and forget about stupid things like trying to take over the world."

"But world domination sounds like so much fun." Zetsu dissented.

Omoi was content to let his teammates do all the talking and hung back as they argued with the Akatsuki for several minutes, sucking on a lollipop. Suddenly, Tobi flickered in front of him, too close for comfort.

Omoi jumped back. "What do you want?"

"Tobi wants candy!"

"I don't want to give you some." he said. "Although if I don't then maybe you'll go after the remaining jinchuuriki as revenge and that could start the Fourth Shinobi World War."

He reluctantly handed over some lollipops and then the Cloud ninja all left, bumping into Sai who had been eavesdropping on them.

The Root ninja entered the dojo and gave a fake smile. "Hello, my name is Sai."

"Tell us why you wish to join the Akatsuki." said Zetsu.

"I don't. I came here for the same reason those Cloud ninja did: to give you a warning. Stay away from Konoha's jinchuuriki."

"You were listening to our discussion with them so you should know that we're no longer going after the tailed beasts." said Kisame.

"Actually, there's something else I wanted to know. I've read that sharks have these things called claspers and I was wondering…"

"I do _not_ have claspers!"

Sai's emotionless face hid the deep disappointment that he felt. He shifted his gaze over to Zetsu, observing that his body had two different coloured halves.

"Is your penis two different colours?" he asked.

"Why don't we go somewhere private and I'll show you." Zetsu smirked.

"I'd like that."

"**Please don't make me do this." **"Sorry but you're not going to spoil my fun." **"Ugh, very well but remember you promised that we'd have sex with women too sometimes." **"Yeah, yeah."

"I think you've got the wrong idea. Dicks just look so funny; I only want to look at yours so I can laugh at it."

Offended, Zetsu chased the penis obsessed man out of the building.

Sawako the bounty hunter returned backed up by eleven strong shinobi. She pointed her long sword at Kisame.

"That's him, the Daimyo Killer. He'll be a tough one to take down but the price on his head is worth the risk."

"Great, I'll finally get to fight someone today." Kisame said happily.

"Tobi wants to try out his new weapon." said Tobi.

"Stay out of this, lollipop-face." she told him.

"No, Tobi will defeat you with the power of youth!"

"What's with all these references to youth? Do you have a death wish, boy?" she turned to her fellow bounty hunters. "I'll take on this annoying brat. The rest of you fight those two freaks."

The bounty hunters split up and engaged Kisame and Zetsu in battle, they were all experienced fighters and even the Akatsuki couldn't kill them off quickly. Tobi pulled out his nunchaku and with one handle in each hand held them out in front of him dramatically. Then he began flailing them around for several minutes as the battle raged on around him.

Finally, he stopped his show. "Are you impressed?"

"Not really." Sawako said impassively.

"What? Don't you think I look cool when I use them?"

"It's an ineffective weapon. You can't get past the reach of my sword and even if you could my armour would protect me."

Tobi threw the nunchaku at her face, busting her nose.

"Damn you straight to hell!"

She attacked him with rapid swings of her long sword. Tobi evaded each blow with barely an inch to spare, yelping in fright and pleading with her to stop. She managed to back him into a corner.

"Now you've nowhere left to run. I must admit, I'm quite anticipating removing that stupid mask once I've killed you. I'm guessing you have quite a high price on your head seeing as you go to all that trouble to keep hidden."

She thrust her sword deep into his chest. Tobi screamed.

"Hmmmm." she waved her sword side to side through his incorporeal body. "That's interesting."

"You can't hurt Tobi, you old bag."

"We'll see about that!" she snapped. "You'll be begging for death once I'm done with you."

She backed off and ran her hand over her blooded nose. She then performed a summoning jutsu and a horse appeared beneath her. Its coat was pure black and its mane and tail were made of flames. The equine beast reared up with a loud whinny and the samurai sat astride raised her long sword above her and yelled a battle cry.

"Be careful Tobi-chan." Kisame called out in warning. "She used up a heck of a lot of chakra to summon that horse, it's definitely a boss level summon."

She charged her horse directly at Tobi and they phased through him without slowing down. They also passed right through the solid wall and disappeared.

"Huh?" a puzzled Tobi tapped the wall.

The horse's disembodied head appeared through the wall right in front of him. It snorted and jets of hot steam shot out from its nostrils to engulf the masked man.

"Hot! Hot! Hot!" Tobi ran around screaming in pain.

The black mare walked forward and the rest of its body and rider emerged into the dojo. Sawako took a moment to survey the battle, half of her backup lay dead and the Akatsuki had received no major wounds.

She chased Tobi around as Zetsu and Kisame attacked her with mid-range wood and water techniques. At times her mount made loud clopping sounds as its hooves struck the floorboards and at times it ran silently as it became insubstantial to avoid being hit.

She repeatedly thrust her blade into Tobi futilely.

"Damn it, this is pointless. I'd hoped if two ethereal people fought then it would cancel out and they would fight like normal."

"Can I stroke your pony?" Tobi asked her.

"No you can't."

"You're mean!"

"Hey you." she called out to one of her friends. "Play with this simpleminded little shit for a while. I'll fight Hoshigaki myself."

A spear-wielding man attempted to poke Tobi while the rest of the bounty hunters ganged up on Zetsu. Sawako approached her tall opponent and swung at him. He brought Samehada up to block her blade. She struggled as she tried to overpower him but it was like pushing against an immoveable object.

"Gi Gi Gi."

"My sword thinks your sword is hot." Kisame grinned.

"That must be the legendary Samehada. I should get a lot of money for selling that, or I might just keep it for myself."

"You haven't defeated me yet."

Kisame put his full strength behind Samehada and easily forced Sawako's weapon back. She and her flaming mount became ethereal and the scaled sword passed through her body inflicting no physical damage. He swung again and again at them but couldn't manage to land a hit on the intangible pair. The black-armoured fighter got in a few cuts on her opponent but frustratingly they immediately healed up.

She lightly kicked her horse summon with her heels and it bolted away from the fight, after getting away from the long reach of Kisame's sword its hooves could be heard clopping against the floorboards as it became solid again. It didn't have enough chakra to remain in a ghostly state indefinitely. Sawako transferred most her chakra to it so it could use its abilities for a while longer.

Then Tobi vaulted onto the horse to sit behind her.

She twisted around to look at him. "What the heck are you doing?"

"This is so cool. You know, I had a pony once but Hidan-sama sacrificed it."

Zetsu laughed as he evaded his assailants. "The look on Kakuzu's face when he first saw it was so funny."

"He kept grumbling that it cost too much to take care of."

"**I think that was when he finally got fed up of you wasting money on stupid things and stopped paying you."**

"No, he just paid Tobi with candy instead of cash."

One of the bounty hunters decided to speak up. "Do you ninja's always talk so much during a fight?"

**"Yes." **Zetsu confirmed, before impaling him upon large pointed roots.

"Hey, I heard that cheap bastard Kakuzu got himself killed. Is that true?" asked Sawako.

**"It's true."**

"That's a shame. We used to be lovers a long time ago."

"That must have been a_ very_ long time ago, when you didn't look so old and wrinkly." Tobi said.

"Shut. Up." she snapped at him.

"Can you make your pony go faster? It's not even moving!"

"No. Get off!" she demanded.

"Tobi thinks it might be the pony that uses time-space ninjutsu and it takes its rider with it. So you can't get away from me if I stay on top of it because it'll take us all to the same dimension!"

Tobi was very proud of himself for figuring out the trick to her ability. Then the horse turned incorporeal and he fell right through and landed on his butt.

"You're wrong." Sawako gloated from astride her summon. "If she doesn't like a rider then she won't take it anywhere with her."

"Well at least you caught it unawares." said Kisame. "Now we know if we attack from behind we may get some hits in, they don't seem to be able to remain insubstantial all the time. You keep her distracted Tobi-chan while we finish these lot off then we'll team up against her."

"I won't just go along with your plan. I'll be fighting _you_ Hoshigaki." Sawako insisted. "I can't wait to hand your corpse over to the bounty collection office. I've never gotten a bounty even half this size before; I wonder if they have enough money to pay me."

"**I don't think they will." **said Zetsu, who had emptied the place out when he stole from them yesterday.

"Hey, what do you need so much money for anyway? Your retirement fund?" asked Tobi.

"Why you little…" she forgot all about fighting the infamous Daimyo Killer and attacked the masked man instead.

"My mama kept telling me that you can never start saving up too early for your retirement. I suppose I should start now, I don't want to leave it to the very last minute like you."

He continued to taunt her as Zetsu and Kisame fought the rest of the bounty hunters. Their opponents were a tough lot but eventually they prevailed and all three Akatsuki surrounded Sawako.

"Are you sure you don't want to join us?" asked Zetsu.

"Maybe I will, if you get rid of him." she pointed at Tobi.

"Absolutely not!"

"Then I'm outta here." she charged her flaming horse right at Zetsu (who dived out of the way) and out of the dojo.

"Should we go after her?" **"No, she seems like too much trouble to kill." **"I hope she doesn't return with even more bounty hunters."

"I hope she does." Kisame grinned.

"We still don't have any new members." said Tobi sadly.

"Maybe we would have one by now, if you were more respectful of your elders." Kisame said accusingly.

"Teehee, Tobi is sorry."

A puddle of water leaked into the dojo and formed into a teenage boy.

"Suigetsu-kun, you're back! Do you want to join us after all?" Kisame said happily.

"I might join your organisation if you give me your sword Kisame-sempai."

"Gi Gi Gi."

"I don't think so. Samehada says your chakra stinks so wouldn't accept you anyway."

"You watch out, one day I will defeat you and take Samehada for myself!" Suigetsu vowed.

Kisame ruffled the boy's white hair. "You keep training hard and just maybe you'll be able to defeat me."

Suddenly, the place filled with Mist ninja.

The two Swordsmen both lifted their oversized weapons and attacked their former countrymen with glee. After ten minutes of intense fighting only one of them still stood. She was surrounded by the dismembered corpses of her teammates and two grinning rogue ninja.

"Why did you attack us?" Suigetsu questioned. "You lot don't look like hunter-nin."

"Well we've had reports that Kisame-san is in love with the Mizukage and intends to propose to her."

Kisame blushed, his face turning purple. "That's not true! Unless… _shelikesmetoo_."

The kunoichi burst into laughter. "You've got no chance Kisame-san. Just the thought of you marrying her is giving her terrible nightmares. She wants you dead, at all costs. That's why she's given the order to all her jounin to assassinate you should the opportunity arise."

"I've been giving her nightmares?" Kisame looked horrified.

"It's alright; I still think you're a sexy mofo." Zetsu stroked his broad shoulder.

Kisame batted his hand away.

Shortly after disposing of the Mist jounin, three young shinobi and a huge dog entered.

Tobi hid behind Zetsu. "Don't let the big doggie eat Tobi."

"I won't." **"What do you kids want?" **

"Erm, w-well w-w-we came t-to…" a girl stuttered.

"Hinata-chan!" Tobi interrupted. "I met your pretty cousin not long ago. Did he tell you that you're invited to my tea party? Tobi is sorry, but it's cancelled."

"How do you know him, Hinata?" asked Kiba.

"Oh we've not met before." Tobi told him. "But we know all about you lot from watching the chuunin exams. You're the dog-boy and that guy is the bug-boy. Tobi thinks bugs are gross."

"They're not gross." said Shino sulkily. "Anyway, we didn't come here for a tea party."

Kiba pushed Hinata forward. "Tell them why we're here."

"S-stay away from N-N-Naruto-kun." she squeaked.

Tobi came out from behind Zetsu and approached her. "You're so cute. Can I keep her Kisame-san? She can be my new partner."

Akamaru growled and the masked man quickly shot behind Zetsu again.

"Weren't you listening? We came here to stop you from killing Naruto, not to join you." Shino said and unleashed his bugs. The swarm of insects crawled all over his body and hovered around him, buzzing ominously.

"You needn't worry; our current leader has no intention of going after the nine-tails." Zetsu said with a scowl at Kisame.

"Oh t-that's a relief." said Hinata.

"Yep, we won't kill him on one condition." said Tobi.

She looked worried. "What's that?"

"You have to cuddle Tobi and tell me I'm a good boy."

Her face turned bright red with embarrassment, but she stepped forward determined to do whatever it took to protect Naruto.

"Okay." she said nervously.

"Yay!" Tobi rushed forward and wrapped his arms around her. "You're so soft and cuddly Hinata-chan."

"T-Tobi is a good boy." she managed to squeak before fainting.


	10. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

...

Two women stood outside a building, one of them clutching a colourful leaflet.

"We don't even know what this 'Akatsuki' is!"

"I think it's a new pop group, we should definitely audition to join."

They pushed open the door slightly and peered in curiously. Then they both began screaming hysterically and turned to run away. They bumped into a hooded man; his face had been mutated by the use of forbidden jutsus. Their screaming intensified.

The hooded man slaughtered the annoying women and entered the building. It was absolutely packed with the mangled corpses of shinobi from many different countries. He stepped over and on many dead bodies to reach the centre of the room.

Zetsu looked up from the corpse he was feasting on, blood dribbled down his chin to stain the white fabric of his suit.

"Is that you Kabuto?" **"You look like shit." **

The man lifted down his hood and smiled. Most of his skin had become scaly and his eyes looked just like those of his old master, behind a pair of circular glasses.

"I thought maybe I'd arrive too late, I'm glad you're still here." he said.

He looked over at Samehada. It moved rhythmically up and down on top of a long blade.

"Is Samehada humping that sword?" he asked Kisame.

The shark-man grinned. "Yes."

Then his serpentine eyes glanced over at a familiar boy. "It seems that you've only got one new recruit."

Suigetsu noisily slurped from a water bottle with a straw as he glared at Kabuto.

"Ah no, Suigetsu-kun isn't a member of the Akatsuki." said Kisame. "He just thought it'd be fun to hang around with us and help kill everyone that attacks us."

"You have a lot of enemies." Kabuto said with amusement. "There must be over a hundred dead people here."

"Yeah, nobody wants to join us." said Tobi sadly.

"I do."

"You can't let that sick bastard join you." said Suigetsu. "He kept me in a fish tank for years and experimented on me."

Tobi gave him a hug. "That's awful. Did you have to eat those fish food flakes?"

Suigetsu nodded. "Yeah, they were actually quite tasty."

"Suigetsu-kun, as you're not an Akatsuki member you have no say in who joins." said Kabuto. "Isn't this supposed to be a tryout? Do I have to fight one of you to prove my worth?"

Zetsu looked to the bloodthirsty shark. "I'm guessing you want to take him on."

"Nah, Samehada is busy right now." said Kisame. "He can fight one of you."

"Pick me! Pick me!" Tobi waved a hand in the air.

"Alright." Kabuto smiled, and pushed his glasses up.

The floorboards cracked and splintered apart as a coffin forced its way up. The front panel fell down and slammed into the floor, revealing the occupant within.

"_Tobi-kun, have you been a baaaad boy?" _a voice echoed from the coffin.

"Mama!" Tobi squealed, quivering in fear.

"If you concede defeat then I'll make her go away." the evil medic said.

The childlike Uchiha sat down and hugged his knees, rocking backwards and forth. "Tobi is a good boy, Tobi is a good boy, Tobi is a good boy, Tobi is…"

"That's enough!" said Zetsu.

The front panel lifted up and boxed Tobi's mother back into the coffin, before it sank down into the earth and disappeared.

"You can bring the dead back to life. That's very impressive." said Kisame.

"I have surpassed Orochimaru-sama himself. I will be an excellent addition to your organisation." Kabuto boasted.

"You're in. Welcome to the Akatsuki." Kisame grinned.

"You'll regret it." Suigetsu warned. He sat down next to Tobi and slung an arm around him comfortingly.

"**You're looking very similar to Orochimaru. Why is that?" **

"I implanted his remains into my body." Kabuto replied.

"What does pedo mean?" asked Tobi. "I heard Anko-sensei call Oroachimalu-san that."

"It's someone that likes to do very bad things to children." Kisame explained.

"He wouldn't do bad things to children; I heard he likes little boys very much."

Kisame sighed. "You needn't worry, you're too old anyway."

"Guy-sempai says I may be middle-aged but I am still filled with youthful innocence."

Kabuto hissed. Everyone turned to stare at him.

"Please don't talk about youth or innocence. I have Orochimaru-sama inside of me and it makes him very frisky and difficult to control." he said.

"We kicked that nasty old snake out of the Akatsuki and we don't want him back." said Zetsu.

"I can control him!" Kabuto insisted.

"You should leave." Zetsu said coldly.

"But nobody else wants to join us." Kisame said. "We should give him a chance."

"**One chance." **said Zetsu. "If you start acting creepy then you're out."

"I'd better get back to my team." said Suigetsu. "Can I have a refill before I go?"

He passed his water bottle to Kisame who opened the lid and regurgitated water into it.

"Thanks! Goodbye Kisame-sempai. Goodbye Tobi-chan. I hope you end up killing that slimy snake."

"Snakes aren't slimy." Kabuto informed him.

Suigetsu took his water bottle and departed.

"**What are we going to do now?" **Zetsu looked to Kisame.

Kabuto chuckled. "Don't tell me that dumb brute is your leader."

"He is." said Zetsu. "Kisame, you'd better not even think of putting Kabuto in charge."

"I should be the Akatsuki leader, it's the most logical choice." argued Kabuto. "I have a superior intellect and I've had years of experience running Orochimaru-sama's secret laboratories and the Village Hidden in Sound. He delegated pretty much everything to me."

"No, Kisame is our leader." **"Unless he wants to step aside for me…"**

Tobi tugged on Kisame's sleeve. "If you're the boss does that mean I have to call you Kisame-sama now?"

"No you shouldn't call me that. I'm just a temporary leader until we find someone better." Kisame said.

Kabuto smiled, confident that he would gain the leadership in time.

"I want to punch that smug face." Zetsu muttered under his breath.

"I think we should head to one of our secret hideouts for now." Kisame said.

"**That's not a good idea. Konan gave away the location of them all."**

"That _bitch!_" Kisame snarled. "Let's go back to Amegakure and get revenge."

"Please don't hurt Konan-chan." Tobi begged.

"Alright, we won't attack her. We'll just sneak into her village, find out where their vault is and steal all the money so we can build new secret hideouts."

"I doubt you'll be able to sneak into the Hidden Rain Village." said Zetsu. "That place is very strict about inspecting everyone who enters or leaves and keeps 24-hour surveillance."

"We got in last time no problem."

"She must have warned the guards since then that we Akatsuki are now enemies."

"Why doesn't Konan-chan want to be our friend anymore?" asked Tobi. "Let's buy her some chocolate and then maybe she'll like us again."

"Forget about her; we don't need a traitorous skank as our friend."Zetsu said.

"Tobi can use time-space ninjutsu to get us all inside her village." said Tobi.

"That's a great idea, let's do it!" Kisame said enthusiastically.

The orange-masked ninja hugged Kisame before transferring him to his dimension. He then turned to Zetsu.

"**Stop!" **"Do it to him first." Zetsu pointed at Kabuto.

"Okay." Tobi touched the medic-nin and sucked him into his dimension.

"Listen Tobi." said Zetsu. "You shouldn't spend any time alone with Kabuto. I don't trust him." **"Also don't forget to bring…"**

Tobi sent him to join the other two.

"…**my money. Fuck." **

Tobi's dimension was quite dark; with smooth rectangular blocks poking up at various heights as far as the eye could see.

"This place is boring." said Kisame. "I hope he doesn't keep us here for a whole day like last time. I think we ate through his entire supply of mouldy dangos."

"If we can't find any food then I suggest we eat Kabuto." Zetsu eyed the medic-nin hungrily.

"I'm going to look around." Kisame jumped down into the narrow space between blocks.

"Why don't we play a game to pass the time?" Kabuto suggested and pulled out a pack of cards.

"**What are those?"**

"My ninja info cards." Kabuto said. "Please sit down, I'll explain the rules."

Intrigued, Zetsu did as he was told and both spies sat cross-legged facing each other.

Kabuto placed half of his cards by himself and half by his opponent. "The objective is to win all the cards. Take the top card of your deck but make sure I don't see it."

They both drew a card.

"You can see a list of attributes with numbers next to them ranging from 0 to 5. You must choose one of those attributes and say it out loud. Then we each reveal our cards and whoever has the highest score wins them both." Kabuto explained.

"Ok, I think I've got it." Zetsu eyed the stats on his ninja info card. It was of Tenten. She had 3.5 in three different attributes and that was her highest score. He deliberated over which one to pick.

"Hurry up." Kabuto said impatiently.

"Taijutsu." **"No, Speed." **Zetsu placed down his card. ** "I got a 3.5"**

Kabuto put down a Zabuza Momochi card. "I have a 4 in Speed. I win this round so I'll take these two cards and put them at the bottom of my deck. Now we'll draw again and it's my turn to choose."

They played for a while and Zetsu's deck got smaller and smaller as he lost cards to his opponent. He couldn't help but notice that he only drew genin and the occasional chuunin whereas Kabuto consistently drew cards of the very best ninja.

"**You're cheating!"** he accused. "Why do you always get better cards than me?**"**

"I'm not cheating. Someone is just a sore loser." Kabuto smirked.

Kisame hopped back onto their block. "There's a lot of junk down there but I didn't find anything edible."

"I wonder what snake tastes like." Zetsu pondered.

"What are you doing?" Kisame asked. He looked at the card that Kabuto was holding. "Why is there a picture of me on that?"

"Don't tell him what cards I have." Kabuto said, annoyed. "Hurry up Zetsu-san; it's your turn to choose."

Zetsu inspected the card in his hand; it was of a disabled genin from the Hidden Sand.

"Hmmm." **"I choose Intelligence." **

They both placed down their cards. The Sand genin had an Intelligence score of 3 and Kisame's was 3.5.

"I win." Kabuto said smugly and took both cards.

"Why did you say intelligence, do you think I'm stupid?" asked Kisame.

"No. It's just that I knew she wouldn't match you in Strength or Stamina or… "

"If you had chosen Genjutsu then you would have won. He only has 2.5 in that." Kabuto interrupted.

"**You spent all those years partnered with the master of genjutsu and didn't pick up a few tricks? Maybe you are stupid." **

Kabuto had an amused expression on his face as he watched them argue. Then something large hit him on the head before dropping to the floor and spilling its contents all over the place.

"**My money!" **Zetsu started grabbing the scattered money and shoving it back into the sack.

The bespectacled shinobi continued with the game but Zetsu ignored him so he asked Kisame if he wanted to play instead.

"No thanks."

"Alright, but at least let me show you something." Kabuto searched through his deck and pulled out the ninja info card of himself. He presented it to Kisame. "This shows that I have an Intelligence of 5, that's the highest score. I am definitely the person most capable of running the Akatsuki."

Zetsu bit him. "You are _not_ going to be our leader."

The medic-nin healed his wound. "You uncivilised beasts need someone to control you."

Zetsu bit into him again and this time hung on tenaciously as Kabuto struggled to get him off. Then they were all ejected from Tobi's dimension and found themselves in the room at the Angel Hotel that most of them had stayed in previously.

"Hey guys, I did it! I teleported us all into the Hidden Rain Village." Tobi said proudly. "Why are you eating the newbie Zetsu-san?"

The cannibal released his prey.** "You forgot to leave any food in there." **"I was getting peckish."

Kabuto looked out of the window. It was dark out and heavy rain pounded against the glass making it difficult to see, but still the view was awe-inspiring. Amegakure had a beautiful skyline with its countless skyscrapers reaching to the heavens.

Then he realised something was missing…

"Where are my ninja info cards?"

Zetsu noticed that his sack wasn't with them.

"**Where is my money?"**

They both clamoured for the return of their property.

"SHUT UP!" Kisame roared.

"**But my…"**

"Let Tobi-chan keep it, we'll have more money than we know what to do with once we clear out the Rain vault."

"I have a suggestion. Why don't we visit the graveyard and pay our respects to the former Akatsuki leader while we're here." Kabuto smirked.

"Does this have anything to do with your ability to raise the dead?" asked Zetsu suspiciously.

"Correct." Kabuto pushed his glasses up. "I think having the dead to fight for us will prove useful. I have a feeling that this poorly thought-out mission won't go according to plan."

They decided to go later, in the early hours of the morning when they would be less likely to be caught sneaking around. Tobi was very excited to be able to stay up so long after his bedtime.

"I'm going to grab someone to eat. I'll be back soon." Zetsu left through the window.

Kisame started to run a hot bath for himself, pouring in a generous amount of bubble bath. When the tub was filled he stripped off his clothes and got into the foamy water, grabbing some rubber ducks to play with.

Kabuto had coaxed Tobi into returning his cards and was attempting to play a game with him. Tobi was trying to convince Kabuto to add 'Pretty' as a new category.

"I'll give Sakura-san a 3, she has stupid hair. Tobi doesn't understand why Naruto-kun likes that meanie when my beautiful and kind Hinata-chan wants to be his girlfriend." Tobi picked out another card. "Oh wow, this Haku girl is so pretty. I'll give her a 5."

"I'm not going to put attractiveness as a category; being good-looking doesn't make you a better ninja."

"Yes it does. Anko-sensei says seduction is a very useful ninja tactic."

"Maybe you're right." Kabuto took out a notepad and starting jotting things down. "Ok, I'll put Orochimaru-sama down as a 5."

Soon Zetsu returned.

"I told you not to spend any time alone with him." he said angrily to Tobi. "Where is Kisame?"

"I'm in here." Kisame called out from the bathroom.

Splashing could be heard as he got out of the tub. Then the door slowly began to open. White Zetsu waited with anticipation for the sexy shark-man to appear, dripping wet and wearing nothing but a towel…

"C'mon Samehada."

"Gi Gi."

The sharkskin sword slithered through the narrow gap and the door closed firmly behind it. Its owner picked it up and placed it into the bathtub.

"Gi Gi Gi." Samehada splashed about happily.

Kabuto glanced at the plant man. His white side had a disappointed expression while his black side looked bored.

"I'll give him a 0.1." Kabuto jotted it down. "That serves him right for not accepting me as his rightful leader."

"Kabuto-san, how pretty do you think Tobi is?" Tobi asked coquettishly, placing a finger on his mask right where his lips would be.

Kabuto looked him over. He couldn't see much because of that orange mask, just a red eye peering through the eyehole. That eye… just like Sasuke's and Itachi's… Kabuto became transfixed by the sharingan and lost himself momentarily to Orochimaru. The Sannin was incredibly partial to Uchiha boys and just imagining what beautiful face lay beyond that mask got him all excited.

"_Fiiive." _he hissed hoarsely.

"Oh yay!" Tobi said happily.

Kabuto regained control. "Can't you turn that sharingan off? It's distracting."

"How do I turn it off?"

"You don't even know how to use your own bloodline limit properly? You're an imbecile."

"Thank you." said Tobi. He didn't know what the word imbecile meant but he thought Kabuto was nice and so guessed it was a compliment.

Finally Kisame exited the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. His shark-sword followed him out and slithered between his feet.

"Don't do that." Kisame said. "You'll trip me up."

"Gi Gi Gi."

Samehada opened its maw, reached up and clamped down on the towel.

"Let go!" Kisame commanded.

Samehada yanked it off.

"GIVE THAT BACK!"

The sentient sword ignored him and held the towel firmly between its sharp teeth. Kisame went to grab it but Samehada quickly backed away. It shook the towel vigorously like a dog would.

Then the naked blue man noticed his comrades were all intently focused on his schlong.

"This is embarrassing… will you guys stop staring?"


	11. Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

...

Zetsu staggered around unsteadily.

"You're very low on chakra." said Kisame worriedly. "You shouldn't have fed so much to Samehada."

"That towel-snatching sword deserved every last bit!" Zetsu declared.

Kisame blushed. "Let's not talk about that incident again."

"Are you lot going to help me search for this tombstone or what?" Kabuto asked irritably.

"Tobi has looked at them all but there isn't one with Leader-sama's name on it." Tobi said.

"You do know that his real name was Nagato right?"

"Oh. Tobi will look at them all again."

They searched to no avail. It was freezing cold and the rain poured down incessantly; Kabuto shivered and pulled his maroon-coloured cloak tightly around himself.

It was extremely late at night and Tobi was so tired he couldn't keep his eye open. Zetsu collapsed, completely drained and unable to even stand. Kisame picked them up and slung one over each shoulder.

"Let's go. This excursion of yours was a waste of time." he told Kabuto. "Konan-san would have buried him somewhere special I think."

"Be q-quiet fool." Kabuto said, his teeth chattering from the cold.

"That's no way to speak to your leader." Kisame smirked.

"Gi Gi Gi."

"I can't carry you as well Samehada. You'll have to slither your way back."

"Gi Gi Gi Gi!"

"Don't be so lazy. You could do with some exercise anyway, you're looking rather chubby."

They made their way back to the hotel room and into their comfortable beds, falling asleep immediately.

Kisame woke up next to a warm body; he pulled it closer to him and nuzzled a hard face. Then his beady eyes shot open and saw an orange spiral mask right in front of him.

"Tobi-chan, what do you think you're doing?" he yelled after roughly shaking the interloper awake.

"Tobi is sorry! Tobi had a bad dream and didn't want to sleep alone."

"I'm sorry for shouting at you." he apologised and cuddled the frightened Uchiha. "But you're a big boy now and should sleep in your own bed."

Later, Tobi woke up his best friend.

"**Leave me alone or I'll eat you." **the cannibal said grumpily.

"But Tobi has brought breakfast for you."

Tobi had fun throwing scraps of meat at Zetsu who caught them out of the air with his mouth. Then he teleported bits of meat to different locations around the room and watched Zetsu scramble around after them hungrily.

The masked man then approached Kabuto and placed a large pile of food near him.

"Tobi didn't know what things you like to eat so I got lots of different stuff. There's cake and fruit and sausages and…"

Zetsu fell on the pile of food and devoured it all.

"Hey, that was supposed to be for Kabuto-san!"

"**He's lucky I didn't eat him too."**

"You should learn to control your appetite instead of acting like a wild beast." Kabuto said.

Zetsu snarled angrily and dived on top of him, biting deeply. Kisame pulled the cannibal off and held him firmly away from his prey.

"Zetsu-san, you're not allowed to eat other Akatsuki members." the man-shark hybrid admonished.

"Not even a nibble?" Zetsu begged.

"No." Kisame released him. "Now behave."

The medic healed his wound. "Zetsu-san, I understand that you're the Akatsuki spy?"

"**Yes." **he answered sullenly.

"I am far superior at espionage than you are. I don't think you're needed anymore."

Kisame listened to the rival spies quarrelling for a while before he decided to intervene.

"That's enough." he said. "Why don't you have a little contest to prove who is the better spy?"

"What do you have in mind?" Kabuto asked.

"The first one to find out where the Hidden Rain vault is located wins."

Zetsu dived out of the window without delay while Kabuto used a transformation jutsu to look like a civilian before exiting through the door.

"Kisame-san, what are we going to do while they're gone?" Tobi asked.

"I'm going to begin my shark-sage training. Samehada, bite me if I start to look like a shark."

"You always look like a shark." Tobi observed.

Kisame became crestfallen. "That's why I always get rejected by the ladies."

"Zetsu-san says you look sexy and he wants to lick your gills."

"Unfortunately for him, I'm not interested in men."

Several hours later the plant-ninja returned. He saw Kisame trying his best to meditate as a bored Tobi flicked candy at him.

"**Hasn't Kabuto come back yet?" **he inquired.

"SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER!" Kabuto burst out of the wardrobe with the smuggest grin possible on his scaly face. "I got back before you so now you have to admit that I'm the best at reconnaissance."

"**No you're not." **Zetsu said stubbornly. "You just got lucky that's all."

"Let's go. We've got a vault to ransack." Kisame said with an excited grin.

"Alright." Kabuto said. "The place I found was very tightly guarded and had some sensory ninja on watch too so I didn't actually get a look inside."

"Are you sure it's the vault then?" Kisame asked.

"I think so, what else would require so many guards?"

"**I stumbled across something interesting while I was searching." **mentioned Zetsu."Yes, the final resting place of Nagato and Yahiko."

"That's wonderful, we'll go there immediately!" Kabuto said eagerly.

"Kisame should decide where we're going. He's our leader, not you." Zetsu told him.

"For now..." Kabuto stated.

"**Tobi, put Kabuto into your dimension for a moment."**

"Ok." Tobi did as he was told.

"**Listen Kisame, you cannot let him become our leader." **"If you do then I'm leaving the Akatsuki and I'm taking Tobi with me."

Kisame sighed. "Fine, I'll deal with him."

At his leaders command, Tobi brought forth Kabuto. The medic-nin found himself slammed against the wall with Samehada pressed painfully across his chest as Kisame leaned his considerable weight into it. The sharp scales of the sword cut through his own scaled flesh and it greedily drained his chakra.

Kisame grinned pleasantly as he crushed the smaller man. "I'm sorry for doing this but your perseverance in taking over the Akatsuki leadership is not going down so well. Give up and treat your leader with respect and obedience or else I'll hack you into pieces and feed you to Zetsu-san."

"Hell yeah!" Zetsu said ecstatically.

The shark-man released Kabuto. "And just so you know, I'm your leader at the moment but I think we'll go and resurrect Pain-sama so he can take charge once more."

"Very well." said Kabuto, disgruntled. He neglected to mention that he could keep his reanimated summons under his control.

They followed Zetsu's lead to the shrine of Nagato and Yahiko. It was beautiful, made of white marble with murals of angels upon the wall. The two bodies rested in a bed of origami flowers.

"Leader-sama, you were a strict leader but a good one." Tobi cried over the body of Yahiko.

"It's this one I'm after." Kabuto scraped a bit of skin from Nagato with a scalpel and deposited it into a test tube. "Although bringing back the ginger won't hurt either."

"Is that it?" Kisame asked unimpressed. "I thought you were going to bring them back to life, not poke them with your tiny knife."

"It's called a scalpel. Anyway…" Kabuto pushed his glasses up. "I just needed to take DNA samples. Now I'll need living sacrifices to use as vessels for their souls."

Zetsu looked down at the dead men and drooled. **"It would be a shame to waste these delicious corpses." **"Can I eat them?"

"How can you even consider eating something as valuable as the rinnegan?" asked Kabuto.

"Do you think Pain-sama would mind if we took his eyes?" Kisame wondered. "It wouldn't make him blind right?"

"That's right." Kabuto confirmed. "He'll come back just as he was before death."

"Alright, take them."

"Hmmm… I think you'd look captivating with purple eyes." said Zetsu.

"I'd rather not have my eyes gouged out thanks." Kisame said and then glanced at his one-eyed comrade. "But Tobi-chan could use…"

"**Are you insane?" **Zetsu asked incredulously. **"You'd really trust Tobi with the rinnegan?"**

"Can Tobi really have a cool new eye?" Tobi pleaded.

"Sure you can." Kisame petted his cute friend's short spiky hair affectionately.

"I'll take his eyes." Kabuto said. "But remember that we're going to reanimate him soon, I'm going to blame you if he gets angry about us messing with his body."

"He remotely controlled the corpse of his best friend for years, I don't think he cares too much about respecting the dead."

They returned to their hotel room. They planned to do the surgery on Tobi and then while he was recovering one of them would hunt for a human sacrifice in order to bring back their old leader.

"Why are you so eager to give up the leadership anyway?" questioned Kabuto.

"Pain-sama makes a better boss than I do." Kisame answered. "Although I hope he's given up on his crazy plan to create world peace."

"Yeah, what kind of ninja wants world peace?" Zetsu scoffed. "We'd all be out of jobs."

"If Tobi couldn't be a ninja then I think I'd be a clown." Tobi said.

"I'd be a gardener." said Zetsu. **"No I'd be a funeral director."**

"I wouldn't mind working as a fisherman." said Kisame. "What about you Kabuto-san?"

"I'd be a medical researcher of course." he replied.

"Do you think we could bring Deidara-sempai and all the other dead Akatsuki members back to life?" Tobi asked.

"**I think we'd be able to get DNA samples of everyone besides Hidan, I don't know where his body is."**

"I'm surprised you didn't devour them all." said Kabuto.

"I wasn't allowed to." Zetsu pouted.

"I asked that chuunin who managed to defeat Hidan-san where he was buried but he refused to tell me." said Kisame. "Although he did have a lady friend from the Hidden Sand, maybe if we capture her then he'll reveal Hidan-san's location in order to get her back."

"Temari is a jounin and the Kazekage's sister. She won't be easy to kidnap." said Zetsu.

"Tobi likes Hidan-sama; we used to play lots of fun games together. I hope we can find out where he is." Tobi said.

"**Yeah you two used to play loads of pranks on Pain and hide Kakuzu's cash from him." **"Even I wouldn't dare to mess with those two, you're both fucking insane."

"We'll find Hidan-san." Kisame promised.

"Will Konan-chan want to join us after we bring back Leader-sama?" Tobi asked. "It will be great to have all the Akatsuki together again!"

"Yeah, I guess we'll have to forgive her for attempting to kill us all and giving away Akatsuki secrets." Kisame scowled.

"I still think we should get revenge, let's sneak into her bedroom and pee on her carpet." Zetsu suggested.

"Good idea. You should do that after we've finished with Tobi-chan's surgery."

"Shall we get started with that?" the medic-nin asked.

"YES!" Tobi shouted.

"Alright, take off your mask."

"WHAT? No way!" Tobi backed away fearfully.

"Come back here." Kabuto said crossly. "How do you expect me to transplant your new eye if you won't remove your mask?"

Tobi hid beneath his bed for a while but then ventured out when Kabuto left to fetch lunch for them all. He snuggled up next to Kisame.

"**It's for the best that he doesn't want the rinnegan implanted. He causes enough trouble as it is, giving him something that powerful would be foolish." **

"He's not trouble." Kisame argued. "He rescued us when we got defeated by those Leaf ninja and he managed to get us into this village unseen."

"Tobi is useful!" the swirly-faced ninja said proudly.

When Kabuto returned he dropped a dead cat onto Zetsu's lap.

"You don't deserve it after stealing my breakfast but I brought you something to eat."

"Thanks." said Zetsu. He brought the cat up to his open mouth but it was snatched away just as he tried to bite into it. **"Give that back!"**

"No." said Tobi, cuddling the dead cat. "I want Kabuto-san to return life to it so Tobi can have a pet."

"I'm not going to resurrect that rotten fleabag." Kabuto said.

"Please." Tobi grabbed hold of Kabuto's cloak as he begged.

He felt a sharp pain as a needle pricked him and soon lost consciousness.

After completing his preparations for the surgery, Kabuto approached the masked man who was lying prone on a bed. The other two Akatsuki members gathered around, eager to finally see Tobi's face.

Kabuto removed the orange mask and gazed down at Tobi. He took in his boyish good looks, his only flaw was an empty eye socket and that would soon be fixed. His hand involuntary caressed Tobi's face.

Zetsu grabbed his arm. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Just an examination." he lied smoothly. Dammit, he nearly lost control to Orochimaru again!


	12. Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

...

A fluffy orange cat rested on Tobi's chest as he lay in bed. He stroked the purring feline, being careful not to touch the recently inserted chakra rods that pierced its small body. The animal had striking mismatched eyes, one red and one purple. They were just like Tobi's although his newly acquired rinnegan was concealed behind his mask.

"We're going out now." Zetsu told him. "I'll leave some clones behind for you to talk too."

"Tobi wants to come with you." Tobi pleaded. "I've been stuck in this bed since yesterday, why won't you let me go outside?"

"He should be fine, although I can't be completely sure. He won't let me remove his mask so I can do a check-up." said Kabuto.

Tobi whimpered. "Please don't take my mask off again."

"We've already seen what you look like. Why do you insist on hiding from us again?" Kabuto asked.

_Yes, let us look upon that exquisite Uchiha face once more. _Orochimaru thought.

Kabuto scratched at an itchy patch of skin that had yet to turn scaly. His body had nearly completed the transformation that had begun when he implanted his master's remains into himself. Soon his body would be completely taken over but he was determined to keep control of his mind.

A large blue hand landed on his shoulder, shaking him out of his reverie. "Are you spacing out? We're ready to go."

They all left, Tobi gently carrying the ginger cat in his arms.

"Do you think my cat looks like leader-sama?" Tobi asked.

"It does a bit." Kisame chuckled.

"I'm going to call him Pain-chan!"

The cat meowed.

"We need to grab someone as a sacrifice to resurrect the real Pain-sama." said Kabuto.

"How about him?" Kisame grinned as he pointed at a familiar man. It was Kankuro, his face slathered in his customary purple face-paint. "It will serve him right for planning that ambush for me in the Wind country."

They trailed him through the dark streets of Amegakure. It was daytime but little sunlight leaked through the cluster of skyscrapers. The rain splashed down heavily and Kankuro walked briskly, anxious to get out of the awful weather.

He had strode halfway down a narrow alley when two Rain ninja dropped down in front of him and two more behind, cutting off his escape routes.

"What do you want?" he asked cautiously.

His ambushers discarded their transformation jutsus to appear as their true selves: his most hated enemy, the Akatsuki.

"Tobi wants to play with your puppets!" Tobi said cheerily.

Kankuro smiled grimly. "I'll let you play with my favourite puppet."

He summoned it, manipulating the lifeless body with his chakra strings. A metal cable, dripping with poison, unwound from the stomach cavity. The stinger on the end dug into the ground and the puppet stepped onto the cable, winching itself upwards.

"Sasori-san!" Kisame shouted in surprise upon seeing the red-haired puppet.

"That's Sasori-sama's true form?" questioned Kabuto.

_Yes, isn't he beautiful? It's a shame he started hiding inside that hideously ugly puppet shortly after we got partnered together…_

"Why? Did you keep molesting him?" Kabuto asked, and everyone turned to stare at him. "I was speaking to Orochimaru-sama." he explained.

"We'd better move back." Kisame suggested as the puppet raised its arms.

Powerful streams of fire shot from the flamethrowers in its palms. Each hand was facing a different direction so both sides of the alley became engulfed in flames with the puppet and its controller safely in the middle. The continuous jets of fire burned with such intensity that they melted anything they came into contact with.

Luckily the Akatsuki managed to retreat in time. Kisame stood just outside the range of the flamethrower, took a deep breath and spat out a massive volume of water. It gushed down the alley, picking up Kankuro and the Sasori-puppet, and carried them into a wide-open space before depositing them on the ground.

Kankuro got up and reattached chakra strings to the soaking wet puppet. An Akatsuki member was just a short distance away from him…

"SHINRA TENSEI!" Tobi shouted at the top of his voice.

"What kind of jutsu was that?" Kankuro asked. "I didn't see anything happen."

Tobi rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "It was supposed to push you away but didn't work."

The blades on the back of the Sasori-puppet began to rotate and it rushed at Tobi. It phased right through him and then Tobi grabbed its trailing metal cable with his gloved hands. He pulled on the cable but didn't have the strength to stop the puppet and ending up being dragged along behind it. The puppet's propeller blades spun faster and faster and it took to the air.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." Tobi shouted joyfully as he was carried through the air by the erratically flying puppet.

Kankuro was trying to shake Tobi off but gave up when the other Akatsuki arrived. He made his puppet swoop down at Zetsu. The wood user rolled out of the way and large roots shot up from the ground to wrap around the puppet. The sharp propeller blades easily cut through any roots they came in contact with and flames erupted from the puppet's palms, burning most of them up.

Still, the puppet was slowed down and Kabuto took the opportunity to dash forward and cut the chakra strings with his chakra scalpel. Kisame went to capture the purple-faced ninja while Kabuto inspected the immobile puppet and Zetsu fussed over Tobi, checking for any wounds.

"**That was very stupid, taking on Sasori on your own." **"You could have been poisoned." he berated.

Kabuto took out a scroll and sealed the lifeless body of Sasori inside it.

"I can resurrect him later. We'd better get out of here, this fight has drawn attention." he said.

They fled the scene of the crime, being pursued by Rain ninja. Kisame carried Samehada over his shoulder with the unconscious Sand ninja slung over the scaled blade.

"Zetsu-san, distract our pursuers while the rest of us get away." Kisame commanded.

"Alright, I was getting hungry anyway."Zetsu fell back from the group.

When he caught up with them later they were hiding in the Amegakure library, disguised as civilians. He knew they were his comrades because he'd planted his spores all over them earlier, and it wasn't particularly difficult to guess at which one was which.

He sat down at the table with them and opened a large book to hide his strange face from any passing Rain ninja.

"**I'm back." **he said.

"Zetsu-san! Tobi was worried that you wouldn't find us." said a giddy schoolgirl with a pink spiral mask.

Zetsu's legs kicked at something soft under the table. He took a look to see what it was and saw the unconscious puppet-master with Tobi's cat sitting on top of the body, grooming itself.

"When are you going to use that resurrection jutsu?" He asked a scholarly-looking young man.

He pushed his glasses up. "We just need to find somewhere private first."

"Let's break into the room at the back of the library, there's nobody in there." suggested a busty babe. She had long navy blue hair and her skin tone was a light blue. She was wearing a very low-cut white dress.

Black Zetsu peeked over the top of his book at her cleavage. Blood gushed out his nostril to splatter onto the pages. He tried to wipe himself clean but just ended up smearing the sticky red blood all over the white side of his face and his hands.

"**I'll sneak in and unlock the door for you."** he said and sank into the floor.

A minute later the door at the back of the library opened slightly before closing again.

"Let's go." Kisame said. The tall blue woman hoisted Kankuro up onto her shoulder before picking Samehada up.

Most of the occupants of the library stared at her as she walked past.

"Young'uns don't know how to handle alcohol." she explained away the unconscious guy over her shoulder.

They entered the room, which was a small office.

Kabuto turned to the blue-skinned woman. "What kind of shitty disguise is that? You drew way too much attention to us. This is a library; you should've transformed into a student like we did, not into a stinking fish whore!"

Kisame turned back into his manly self. "I'm a shark, not a fish."

"Sharks _are_ fish, you idiot."

"**You shouldn't speak to your leader like that." **Zetsu intervened.

"And _you_ didn't even bother with a disguise at all." Kabuto continued his rant. "What were you thinking, walking into this place completely naked and then getting a nosebleed over that fishy trollop."

"Stop calling me a fish! If you do it once more then you'll regret it." Kisame threatened, and grabbed the hilt of his sword.

"Please don't try to kill each other." Tobi begged. The cute schoolgirl noticed a kettle in the corner of the office. "Why don't we all sit down and have a drink?"

Tobi released the transformation jutsu and Kabuto found that he couldn't take his eyes off the slender man. He watched as Tobi filled the kettle and set it to boil, and then put a saucer of milk down for his cat.

"Do you guys want tea or coffee?" Tobi asked.

Kisame dropped the body he was carrying, it hit the floor with a heavy thud. He then flopped into a chair.

"Nothing for me thanks." he said.

Zetsu just grabbed a jar of coffee and started eating the granules.

Tobi poked Kabuto. "What do you want?"

"_Tobi-kun." _said Orochimaru seductively. _"I want your body."_

"THAT'S IT!" Zetsu yelled. "Don't think I haven't seen you acting creepy these last few days. You can't control that sexual predator inside you so I'm going to kill you to prevent you from doing anything to Tobi!"

"You can't kill me unless you never want to see your Akatsuki friends again." Kabuto said smugly.

"We could imprison him inside Tobi's dimension until he resurrects everyone." Kisame suggested.

"**And then I'll eat him." **

Kabuto bolted from the small office and then out of the library, yelling loudly that he was being attacked by enemy shinobi. White Zetsu parasite clones began to grow all over him, as they drained his chakra they grew bigger and bigger. The real Zetsu was hot on his tail so he couldn't stop to slice them off; he had to do something to slow down the crazed cannibal…

The pavement began to crumble as several coffins forced their way upwards.

"**I don't think so!" **

Large roots came out of the ground and wrapped around them, slowly pulling them back underground.

The wood user paused in his pursuit as he struggled to force the coffins down and Kabuto took the opportunity to slice away the parasite clones with his chakra scalpel. Rain ninja began to attack the plant-man, but Kisame and Tobi came running out of the library and helped him out.

"You two keep these enemies off me while I fight Kabuto." Zetsu said.

Tobi's cat climbed up to a high ledge and looked down at the battlefield with its mismatched eyes. Tobi could see everything the cat could and fought incredibly well. He was untouchable as nobody could catch him unawares; he flickered all over the place quickly taking out all the enemy ninja he encountered.

"Save some for me to kill!" Kisame shouted as Tobi stabbed a ninja in front of him before he even had time to swing his sword.

Zetsu went head to head with Kabuto. The bespectacled ninja had kept his disguise from earlier and added to it a Rain forehead protector.

"Help!" he shouted as he exchanged blows with his foe.

Several Rain jounin intervened. They took on Zetsu as they questioned Kabuto about what was going on.

"I was in the library studying for my chuunin exams." he lied. "Then these guys took me to the back room and started interrogating me, but I didn't say anything and I managed to escape. They wanted to know where God's Angel is; I think they're going to assassinate her!"

"You did well, kid." one of them told him. "But this is no place for a genin. We'll deal with this, you run to the ninja HQ and tell them what's happened."

"Yes sir!" Kabuto said and then fled the battlefield.

The remaining Akatsuki fought with the Rain ninja, until a flurry of paper arrived.

Tobi ran forward and hugged the woman that formed from the sheets of paper.

"Konan-chan! Tobi is sorry for upsetting you, please come back to the Akatsuki and I promise not to scribble all over you with my crayons again." he said.

She returned his hug and sighed regretfully. "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry for betraying you but I had to protect my village. When the Sand ambassador saw you three here he was certain I was still a part of the Akatsuki. I had to give you up to prove my innocence and prevent war."

"Why didn't you just kill him before he could report back?" Kisame asked.

"I can't just go around killing other village's ambassadors; that would cause even more trouble."

"Can we be friends again?" Tobi asked hopefully.

"Sure." she smiled. "But you really should leave before…"

"What's going on here?" a Cloud kunoichi had arrived on the scene. "Those guys look like the Akatsuki. The Raikage is not going to be pleased once I've sent my next report."

Konan disentangled herself from Tobi's tight embrace.

"You're going to try to kill us all again." Zetsu stated.

"I'm sorry but I really don't want the Hidden Cloud invading. You should've stayed away from here." she said, and signalled to her underlings to start fighting once more.

The Cloud ambassador also decided to take part, attacking Kisame with lightning blasts.

Zetsu shook Tobi. **"Stop crying!" **"You've got to get us out of here, we're vastly outnumbered."

"Why has Konan-chan abandoned us again?" Tobi wailed.

Zetsu's unprotected naked body suffered from dozens of paper cuts as Konan swirled around him in paper form.

"**These paper cuts fucking sting. Get us out of here!" **

"Alright." Tobi sniffled, he teleported his two friends away from the battle and back into their hotel room.

"**You didn't bring us very far." **Zetsu complained.

"It's fine." said Kisame. "I don't think she'll expect us to come back here. Besides, I want to stay in this village to search for Kabuto-san and to get revenge on Konan-san for trying to kill us all again."

"I sent Pain-chan to follow Kabuto-san." Tobi said.

"Good thinking! Let us know if he says or does anything interesting."

The masked man nodded. He brought Kankuro out from within his dimension.

"What shall we do with this person he told us to capture." he asked.

The Sand ninja groaned and opened his eyes.

"**Kill him." **said Zetsu.

"Don't." Kankuro pleaded. "I won't come after you as long as you don't attack the Hidden Sand, I promise."

"I'm feeling generous today, so I won't kill you." said Kisame. "However I'm not going to trust you when you say you won't come after us; we already have more than enough enemies in this village to take that risk."

"So what are you going to do with me?" the purple-faced man asked.

Kisame grinned evilly. "I'm going to chop off your legs; that will ensure that you won't chase after us."

Kankuro screamed as the shark-man messily hacked off his legs with his scaled sword. He watched wide-eyed with horror as Zetsu began to eat them right in front of him.

"You lot are fucking sick bastards!" he said. The extreme pain he was experiencing was making him feel nauseous and dizzy, and the realisation that he was now permanently crippled made him boil with rage.

Kisame healed the bloody stumps. "You should be grateful that I'm actually letting you live. It's not a big deal. You're a puppet-master; you can always build new legs and turn yourself into a living puppet."

Kankuro glared hatefully at the tall blue man and silently vowed that he would take vengeance against the Akatsuki.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen

...

Konan sat behind her desk and shuffled some paper.

"What do you want?" she asked the man standing in front of her.

"I have a proposition that I'm sure you'll like the sound of." said Kabuto.

She began to fold an origami snake. "Continue."

"I can bring the dead back to life."

She halted her folding and looked up at him in surprise. "You're telling me the truth?"

"I am. I'll resurrect your two dear friends…" he smirked. "As long as you do a few favours for me."

"And they are?"

"I'm taking control of the Akatsuki. I want a promise that the Hidden Rain will never act against us and I want you to give me your rings."

"Agreed." she said without hesitation. "Although I'd like to see some proof that you can really do as you say."

"Of course, I prepared an example before I came to see you."

Crashes could be heard at even intervals, getting louder and louder…

Then a coffin broke through the floor in Konan's office and Kabuto kicked it over so it landed flat.

"Rise." he commanded.

The front panel slid off and the body within sat up.

"Hanzo the Salamander!" Konan exclaimed.

Hanzo clambered out of the coffin and shuffled towards her, his face completely blank.

"He looks like a zombie." said Konan, deeply disappointed. "I don't want you to reanimate my friends if you can't return their souls."

"I'm not finished yet." said Kabuto.

He approached Hanzo from behind and plunged a kunai into his head. The kunai had a special talisman attached.

"This is a slightly different talisman than the kind Orochimaru-sama used." said Kabuto. "You're not _completely_ bound to my will Hanzo-san."

The former leader of Amegakure opened his darkened eyes.

"What's going on?" he asked. He noticed Konan. "You're the girlfriend of Yahiko, is this some kind of revenge for his death? No, he didn't die. I remember him coming back, he was incredibly powerful…"

"You were killed a long time ago Hanzo-san, but I brought you back to life with my Impure World Reincarnation technique." explained Kabuto.

"That traitorous scum doesn't deserve to live." said Konan coldly.

"He's not the only person in this room who's betrayed someone. I heard you've been working with the other villages to kill off your old Akatsuki comrades." Kabuto said with a smirk.

"I only did it to protect my village." she said defensively.

"Why are you sitting at my desk, girl? Don't tell me you're in charge of the Hidden Rain now." Hanzo laughed mockingly.

She stopped his laughter by covering his breathing apparatus with paper, cutting off his air.

"He won't be so easy to kill." said Kabuto. "Those I raise from the dead are much tougher than they were in life."

"Get him out of my sight!" she said fiercely.

"Return to your coffin and sleep." Kabuto commanded.

Hanzo's body moved without his volition, getting into the large wooden box and lying down. The lid lifted up and slid firmly back into place. Kabuto hefted up the coffin and then tipped it into the hole in the floor. As it fell down it passed cleanly through each of the openings it had made on its way up the tallest building in Amegakure. It then slammed into the ground and got swallowed up as the earth closed over it.

"I've shown you my jutsu. Now give me all the Akatsuki rings you have and explain to me exactly what they're used for."

Konan rummaged through a drawer and then placed three rings onto her desk. "These are all I have. They don't have any particular use; they're just symbols of Akatsuki membership."

Kabuto narrowed his eyes. "I don't believe you."

"Take them." she said. "Although I'm not sure if I actually want you to bring Yahiko and Nagato back if you're going to be in complete control of them."

"I will give Yahiko-san free will; he is no threat to me."

"And Nagato?"

"I won't allow him to continue with his plans for world peace nor will I let him retake control of the Akatsuki."

"What exactly do you want with the Akatsuki?" she asked.

He smiled. "I want my own criminal organisation to wreak havoc on this world."

After some arguing she agreed to his terms and he left her office with a satisfied smile. They'd meet again tomorrow and she'd have two sacrifices ready for him.

Konan remained at her desk. She hadn't told him the truth about the rings; they all had tracking jutsus placed on them so Pain could keep track of his subordinates. She took out a fourth ring which had the kanji for 'zero' upon it and placed it on her right thumb.

She sensed four rings very close by, those would be the ones Kabuto had just taken and probably the one Orochimaru had stolen. There were also three more rings not too far away…

Why wouldn't those idiots just leave her village? She'd have to do something about them before they caused any more trouble. The infuriated woman broke up into sheets of paper and flew out of the window.

A fluffy orange cat emerged from underneath Konan's large wooden desk. Everything it had heard was also heard by Tobi, who had relayed it somewhat accurately to Kisame and Zetsu.

"So… Kabuto-san is determined to take over the Akatsuki." Kisame recapped.

"**He should know that we won't accept him as our leader. I'll kill him before that happens." **said Zetsu angrily.

"Maybe he won't come back to us; he'll just resurrect the other Akatsuki members and take control of them instead." Kisame speculated.

"But then there'll be two Akatsuki groups!" said Tobi. "That might get a little confusing."

"Yeah, I think we should kill him after he brings back Itachi-san and the others." said Kisame.

"**And eat him." **Zetsu licked his lips hungrily.

"Ok. Let's ignore him for now and do what we came here for: stealing Konan's money!"

Zetsu grinned gleefully. **"Yes! I'll lead the way to the vault."**

It was a small squat building hiding amongst all the skyscrapers of Amegakure. It had many guards patrolling around it and several stood watch on the rooftop.

"Those on the roof are sensory ninja." whispered Zetsu. "I don't think we'll be able to sneak in."

"Here's the plan." said Kisame softly, and the others crowded around him to hear. "I'm going to fight all those guards to make a distraction. Then you two will enter the building and grab all the money you can. Once you've done that, come out to get me and Tobi-chan will teleport us all out of this village."

"**I don't trust any plan that relies on Tobi, he'll screw up somehow."**

"But Tobi is a good ninja." the spiral-faced man protested.

"Do you think you can handle it?" Kisame asked.

"Yes." said Tobi confidently.

"I think those sensory ninja's have noticed us." said Zetsu. Two of the rooftop ninjas had hopped down and started conferring with the other guards, glancing over at the place the Akatsuki were hiding.

Kisame created a bunch of water clones and then drew his sword. "Let's get this fight started!"

"Gi Gi Gi Gi." said Samehada happily, echoed by all of the Samehada-clones.

The Rain shinobi were rushed by nearly a dozen identical grinning shark-men.

Zetsu grabbed Tobi and they approached the building, slipping through the wall unnoticed. They found themselves inside a very large room, it was empty besides from a single treasure chest in the centre.

"**That's all the money they have?" **Zetsu said incredulously. **"I was sure they'd have much more than that, what with being a Hidden Village and with Konan stealing all the Akatsuki money that Kakuzu squirreled away."**

They walked towards the chest but then countless sheets of paper fluttered in to impede their way. Konan appeared amidst them all. She had discarded her cloak and was wearing a sleeveless blue top. The garment was long but slit up the middle to reveal her pierced navel. It had a very high neckline although the tight fabric displayed her large breasts prominently.

"Don't touch my chest." she said.

"**You have a magnificent rack; it would be a shame not to."**

"I was talking about the treasure chest."

"**Oh right. So you wouldn't mind if I…"**

"Yes I would. Touch them and I'll paper-cut your dick."

Zetsu recoiled in horror and grew his venus fly-trap around himself.

"Konan-chan, are you going to try to murder us all again?" Tobi asked despairingly.

"Not if you get out of my village immediately and never come back." she said.

"Ooooh, but she can't kill us." Zetsu gloated. "We listened to that meeting with Kabuto; she can't act against the Akatsuki or he won't bring back her boyfriends."

He casually strode through the swirling mass of paper and put his hands on the treasure chest.

"**Now let's see what's inside." **he attempted to lift the lid but found it locked.

"Hands off my chest!" Konan shouted.

"I know you won't stop me." Zetsu smirked. "Or you'll never get to see…"

He was attacked by vicious paper.

"I'm sure Kabuto-san wouldn't mind if I kill you." said Konan. "I'll deliver your body and a sacrifice to him and he'll bring you back to life under his complete control."

They fought, with a distraught Tobi trying his best to break up the fight. "Please stop!" he begged the paper kunoichi.

"Stay out of this and I won't hurt you." she shoved him away and threw paper shurikens at Zetsu.

He dodged them and retaliated with his spore technique, covering her body with his white goo.

"Zetsu-san, don't kill her!" Tobi clung to his best friend desperately.

A black arm pushed him off. **"Don't get in my way Tobi."**

Konan broke up into sheets of paper but spores still clung to them, draining her chakra. She cut away all the vegetation from the carnivorous plant-man and rubbed her thin paper edges all over his body, inflicting countless tiny slices on his black and white skin.

Zetsu ran around frantically while cupping his manhood with his hands to protect it from paper cuts.

"Oh shit! Oh shit! I'm going to get paper-cut to death!" he yelled.

The spores germinated as they absorbed Konan's chakra and white goo coated her paper. She struggled to stay aloft so pulled herself together and returned to human form, with white Zetsu parasite clones rapidly growing all over her body.

The myriad pieces of paper that had been swirling around the room now folded into kunai-shapes and carved away the clones from Konan. Then they fell to floor around her. She panted heavily. The clones had drained most of her chakra and she didn't have enough energy left to control any paper other than what she was made of.

**"Stop panicking." **Zetsu told himself. **"We have the ability to merge with flora and paper is made from trees remember."**

Konan's left arm detached and broke up into paper, bombarding Zetsu. He stood still and let most of it merge harmlessly with his body, but couldn't help flinching as some rushed directly at his face. His concentration broke, he ended up getting his skin sliced up.

"I hate paper-cuts so much, they hurt like a bitch." he moaned.

Outside the building, Kisame had just dispatched the last of the guards. Then Tobi's cat appeared and ran past him. It scratched desperately at the door to the building, yowling loudly.

The ex-Mist nin left his clones to deal with any reinforcements that could arrive and kicked the door down. He ran through the building following the orange cat, they entered a large room to see an on-going fight. Konan and Zetsu were standing off against each other, the woman looked completely exhausted and Zetsu had blood oozing out of thousands of little cuts on him.

Seeing the Monster of the Hidden Mist arrive, Konan decided to flee. She broke up into paper but before she could escape a huge wave of water smacked into her. She didn't have enough chakra to protect herself from the water.

"KONAN-CHAN!" Tobi wailed and gathered up the soggy paper into a pile.

Kisame gently pulled him away from the pulp. "She's dead. I'm sorry Tobi-chan."

"Help me get this treasure chest open." said Zetsu, struggling with the lock.

Kisame gripped the lid and ripped it off with ease.

"It just has a bunch of video tapes inside." he said with disappointment.

Zetsu picked some of them up and read the labels. "Heehee… they're videos of Konan doing kinky stuff with the Six Paths of Pain!"

"Why would she have so many guards just to protect these?" Kisame asked.

"Tobi doesn't understand why she gave her life trying to stop us from getting them." said Tobi.

"It must be some_ really_ kinky stuff." **"Let's keep them."**

Zetsu gathered up all the tapes and then Tobi looked down into the empty container.

"Maybe it has a secret bottom." he speculated.

Kisame lifted out the false bottom and set it to one side. He grabbed Tobi and kissed him on the mask. "Tobi-chan, you're a genius!"

Tobi giggled. "That was my first kiss. I didn't know you were in love with me Kisame-san."

"Kisame is mine!" white Zetsu wrapped his arm around the sexy shark possessively.

"I'm only attracted to ladies, sorry guys." Kisame apologised with a blush.

Zetsu sighed with disappointment and then looked down into the treasure chest. It contained several oversized scrolls. He took one out and unravelled it. It was covered in script that was arranged in a circular pattern.

He recognised the pattern. **"This has a tailed beast sealed within."**

"Konan-san told the Kages that she didn't know where they were." said Kisame. "But she had them here all along!"

"**She must have removed them from the gigantic sealing statue after Pain died. There are only four scrolls here; I bet she's made some jinchuuriki already." **

"Look!" Tobi said excitedly. "Konan-chan is alive."

The soggy paper was moving. It formed into a very wet bedraggled Konan.

"Please…I…I need those." her words came out in gasps.

"They're ours now. You're too weak to prevent us from taking them." Zetsu taunted.

Kisame approached her, Samehada in hand.

"Don't kill her, or Tobi won't be your girlfriend anymore." The Uchiha wrapped his arms around Kisame, pressing his masked face into the tall man's muscular back.

"What do you need the tailed beasts for? You're not going to continue with Pain-sama's stupid plan to create world peace are you?" Kisame questioned.

"No I'm just going to create seven jinchuuriki and when they grow up the Hidden Rain will have so much power that everyone will have to recognise us as one of the great ninja villages. The other five villages won't be able to bully us no longer. I just want to make my village strong."

Kisame grinned. "We'll give you back your tailed beasts."

"Really?"

"Yes, we'll unleash them all upon your precious village. That will serve you right for betraying us." he chuckled evilly.

"You bastard!" she swore at him.

Black Zetsu stared hard at Konan; her wet clothes clung sexily to her body. He got a severe nosebleed and after already losing so much blood in their fight this caused him to pass out.

Konan fled the building; she used the ring on her right thumb to locate Kabuto. She'd need his help to defeat the tailed beasts but knew that help wouldn't come easily.

Tobi released his hold of Kisame and then prodded his best friend. "Wake up Zetsu-san."

"**Ughh." **Zetsu groaned and looked around.** "Where's my beautiful angel?"**

"She just left." said Kisame. "I didn't know you liked Konan-san."

"**I've never seen her without a cloak before, she's smoking hot. Do you think I've got a chance with her? Some of those Pains were ugly so she might not mind my strange appearance."**

"Um… maybe.**"**

Zetsu ran after the blue-haired kunoichi.

Tobi snuggled up to Kisame. "What are we going to do now?"

"We'll wait until Zetsu-san returns; we won't destroy this village if Konan-san agrees to date him."

Five minutes later Zetsu returned, he was holding a blue paper rose in his hands.

"How did it go?" Kisame asked.

Zetsu crushed the origami rose and scowled. **"She rejected me."**

"That's too bad. Do you want to unleash the first tailed beast?"

"Yes, I'm going to enjoy this." Zetsu grabbed a scroll.

Konan ran as fast as she could towards Kabuto, her high-heels splashing through the puddles. At least the downpour had finally stopped, she really hated the rain. She'd just lost her favourite origami piece in a tussle with the creepy dual-personality plant-thing. One side was begging her to have sex with him and the other was vowing to eat her flesh.

She finally reached the necromancer. "Kabuto-san, I need your help."

The evil man smiled happily. It was always nice to have someone powerful deeply indebted to you.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

...

The one-tailed beast known as Shukaku roared ferociously. The humongous racoon brought down destruction wherever it went, punching down skyscrapers and stomping on humans.

Tobi, Zetsu and Kisame sat on the rooftop of a tall building, munching on popcorn as they watched the carnage.

"This is awesome!" said Tobi. "I hope you're recording this Zetsu-san."

"Of course I am." **"Is that Konan down there?"**

Tobi pulled out a telescope and put it to the eyehole of his mask. "Yep." he confirmed.

The leader of Amegakure had just arrived and began organising her troops. The jounin took on Shukaku as the lower ranked ninja evacuated the civilians. A couple of ninja passed Konan some metal boxes and transferred their chakra to her. She opened the boxes and hundreds of explosive tags rushed out. They plastered themselves all over the massive beast and exploded in unison.

"I'm glad she didn't have those during our fight." said Zetsu.

"Yeah, you would've been toast." said Tobi.

"I can't see anything." Kisame complained.

Shukaku was entirely made of sand and the explosions had dislodged a lot of it. A cloud of sand particles covered the area where the battle was taking part, obscuring the view. Loud roars could be heard over the screams of injured people and some more buildings crashed to the ground.

Kisame grabbed one of the sealing scrolls. "I think I'll set free another tailed beast."

He leapt from building to building before jumping down into a park. He released the monster from within the scroll; it was the five-tails. The enormous white beast had an equine body with a head resembling that of a dolphin.

Kisame returned to his friends. He set down Samehada, it was squirming excitedly.

"Gi Gi Gi Gi Gi."

"You can't taste the five-tails chakra." Kisame told it. "We're not getting involved in this fight."

"Gi." Samehada sulked, curling up into a ball.

Zetsu snatched the telescope from Tobi and turned it towards the rampaging five-tails, he saw someone in a familiar maroon cloak nearby.

"**I think that's Kabuto… yeah, it's definitely him. He's summoned a coffin... Sasori just came out of it!"**

"That's Tobi's telescope, give it back!"

The two scuffled over the optical instrument. Tobi emerged victorious. He put the telescope to his sharingan and looked down at the battlefield.

"There are _two_ Sasori-sans!" he giggled.

Kabuto had given Sasori his old body to use as a puppet.

"Hey look, another coffin has just opened." said Tobi.

"Who's inside?" Kisame inquired. "It's hard to recognise people from up here."

"It's Deidara-sempai!" Tobi squealed in delight as a blonde man stepped out of his coffin.

Kabuto handed the terrorist bomber a bag of explosive clay. Deidara moulded some of it into a bird shape and placed it on the ground. The clay bird grew in size and then Deidara hopped onto its back. He flew above the five-tails and dropped bombs upon it. The humongous beast galloped away. It lowered its head and charged into buildings that stood in its path, head-butting them over.

Deidara gave chase. He drew closer to the three spectating Akatsuki members.

"SEMPAI, I'M OVER HERE!" Tobi shouted, waving his arms.

Deidara veered over to his annoying partner.

"Tobi!" he exclaimed. "I'm sorry for blowing you up, but at least you got brought back too un."

"It's alright Deidara-sempai, you didn't kill Tobi. I'm still alive see!"

"If you say so un." Deidara decided to humour him, believing that Tobi really had died but was too stupid to understand what had happened.

Zetsu had stolen the telescope again and was looking towards Kabuto and Sasori; they appeared to be having a heated argument.

"**It doesn't look like Sasori is happy to be under the control of his former underling." **

"He should be grateful to be resurrected un, but all he's done is complain. I can't wait until we defeat these tailed beasts so I can talk to him properly. I bet he'll be jealous that my death was way more artistic than his was."

"It's good to have you back." Kisame said, grinning from ear to ear.

"It's good to be back." said Deidara. "I have to continue fighting. Why are you three sitting up here instead of joining in?"

"It's quite entertaining just watching this village get destroyed." Kisame crammed some popcorn into his mouth and crunched it between his sharp teeth.

"I'll see you guys later un." Deidara flew off.

Zetsu was still spying on the medical ninja through the telescope. **"Kabuto has spotted us."**

"Let's relocate." Kisame suggested.

They left their vantage point to find another. They passed by Shukaku, the sand had settled so they could now see the fight clearly. The racoon had hundreds of chunks blown out of it by Konan but it didn't even seem to notice the damage. It was currently battling Konan and a reanimated Hanzo, along with some of the best Rain jounin.

Hanzo's giant salamander summon was wrestling with the even bigger racoon. Shukaku's single thick tail swung around, flattening anything it came into contact with. Chuunin had been busy gathering every explosive tag in the village's weapon shops and delivering them to Konan. She now directed them all to the base of Shukaku's tail. The huge explosion amputated the beast's tail.

Shukaku roared furiously.

"Now it's a tailless tailed beast." Zetsu quipped.

"That's _my _nickname." Kisame pouted.

"Is it Tobi's turn to summon a big monster yet?" the childlike Uchiha pleaded.

Kisame passed him a scroll. Tobi searched for an open area before releasing the beast, it was the three-tails. Upon seeing Tobi the gigantic turtle immediately tucked its head, limbs and tails into its shell.

"**Why is it hiding instead of tearing shit up?" **Zetsu wondered.

"I guess because it's afraid of Tobi, I did defeat it last time after all." Tobi told him. "Maybe if I go away it will come out of its shell."

"**You didn't defeat it, you should stop taking credit for things other people did."**

"Yes I did!" insisted Tobi. "Why does nobody believe that I beat the three-tails all by myself?"

"Shall we watch the five-tails fight instead of this boring turtle?" asked Kisame.

"Gi Gi Gi Gi."

"Alright but only take a little; the tailed beasts are on our side." Kisame walked up to the three-tails and poked his sword into one of the holes in its shell.

"Gi Gi Gi!" Samehada said ecstatically.

The blue-skinned ninja withdrew his sword, which had grown massively in size.

"I told you to only take a little!" he berated.

"C'mon." Tobi called out. "Let's find my cat; I want to show him to Deidara-sempai."

They took a short detour to pick up the cat and then they ran towards the equine monster.

"Awww, Deidara-sempai has gone." Tobi said and the cat in his arms mewed in disappointment.

Kabuto and the artistic duo had left this battle and the Seven Ninja Swordsmen of the Mist were fighting instead. They clambered all over the tailed beast, clinging onto its white fur. Those that had swords dug them into its flesh and those that didn't gnawed on the beast with their razor sharp teeth. The five-tails reared up, attempting to shake off its annoying attackers.

Then a gigantic ball rolled towards them and crashed into the five-tails, knocking it over. The swordsmen all managed to jump to safety. The five-tails scrambled back up onto its hooves and the ball unfolded, revealing itself to be the three-tails. The large turtle let out an ear-shattering roar and the two enormous beasts clashed.

"This is fucking awesome!"said Zetsu.

"It sure is!" Tobi agreed. "Look, the Seven Swordsmen are coming towards us."

The swordsmen and Haku arrayed themselves in front of the Akatsuki, and then a tall fat man stepped forward.

"Fuguki-sempai." Kisame greeted his former superior with a mocking grin.

"I'd like Samehada back." said Fuguki.

"Gi Gi Gi Gi." The shark-sword rejected him.

A kunoichi laughed and dug an elbow into Fuguki's rotund belly. "Samehada is looking almost as fat as you, eh?"

"Shut up Ringo." he growled.

"It just gorged itself on the three-tails chakra." said Kisame. "It's got no self-control at all."

"Gi Gi Gi?"

"Yes I'll let you eat as much as you'd like." said Fuguki.

"Gi Gi Gi?"

"No I won't force you to eat Fire-type chakra."

"Samehada, you're not going to leave me for him are you?" Kisame asked anxiously. "Don't we have fun travelling to all the different countries and getting into fights every day?"

Samehada thought hard for a moment as it considered who its wielder should be. "Gi Gi Gi Gi."

"Oh that's a relief!" said Kisame as Fuguki growled angrily.

Haku stepped forward. "What's going on? We're all supposed to be dead."

"You're beautiful!" Tobi blurted out. "You can play with my kitty if you want."

Haku had a fluffy cat shoved into his arms. He stroked the small animal and it began to purr. Tobi fell to the ground, making purring sounds himself. He rolled over onto his back.

"Rub my tummy." he begged.

Haku had a puzzled expression on his beautiful face.

"**That cat is actually dead." **Zetsu explained. **"Tobi is controlling it through those chakra rods. He can see, hear and feel everything the cat does."**

Haku dropped the animal, feeling slightly creeped out.

The five-tails had given up on fighting; its opponent's hard shell was impenetrable. It galloped away, the three-tails attempted to give chase but its movement on land was incredibly slow. It roared in frustration.

"We have to go after the five-tails." Ameyuri Ringo said and most of the swordsmen ran off.

Zabuza, Haku and Mangetsu resisted their commands and stayed behind.

"Where is my sword?" asked the Demon of the Hidden Mist.

"It's nice to see you too Zabuza-kun." Kisame grinned.

"Don't call me that, I'm not a kid. Now answer my question."

"I'm not telling you where it is." Kisame told him, and then turned to Mangetsu. "Some chump named Chojuro has your weapon, he's usually following Mei-sama around."

"Thanks Kisame-sempai." Mangetsu started to leave but was stopped by Kisame.

"There's something I need to tell you." he said. "After Zabuza-kun has left."

The demon snarled angrily but he couldn't resist Kabuto's orders any longer and fled with Haku at his side.

"Is this about my little brother?" asked Mangetsu.

"Yeah, you should know that he's the current wielder of Zabuza's blade."

"Thanks for letting me know, I'll try to keep Zabuza-san from killing him. What's Suigetsu up to these days?"

"He's a missing-nin now. He keeps trying to steal Samehada from me; in fact he wants to collect all the weapons of the Seven Swordsmen. He's also teamed up with some Uchiha kid and they're going to invade the Hidden Leaf Village."

Mangetsu laughed. "He seems busy. Is he a powerful ninja now?"

"Not really. He was captured not long after you died and has been kept in a laboratory and experimented on. He's only recently escaped, he's not improved much."

"That idiot is going to get himself killed." Mangetsu sighed. He liquefied part of himself to escape from Kisame's grasp. "I must go to fight that tailed beast. Goodbye Kisame-sempai!"

Kisame had a warm fuzzy feeling as he watched Mangetsu chase after the five-tails. The Hozuki brothers were just so cute, especially when they cut their enemies limb from limb while smiling adorably. He hoped they'd both end up joining the Akatsuki; he could be their sensei and teach them all his water techniques and sword skills.

"**What are we going to do now?"** asked Zetsu.

The one-tails crashed to the ground, its huge bulk causing the earth to quake.

They decided to check it out. When they arrived they saw many ninja surrounding the fallen body of Shukaku. Kabuto then sealed it inside a little girl. The young jinchuuriki clutched a teddy bear and tried her best not to cry.

"HA!" Tobi laughed derisively. "It took loads of ninja to defeat that tailed beast. Tobi once took out the three-tails all by himself."

"No you didn't, I defeated it with an artistic explosion un." Deidara had noticed them and hovered close by upon his clay bird.

Tobi held up his cat. "Look Deidara-sempai, Tobi has a new pet. He's called Pain-chan."

Deidara threw a bomb at it.

Tobi dodged. "That wasn't very nice, why did you try to kill my cute kitty?"

"I'm sorry un. Kabuto-sama has ordered me to attack you." he threw some more bombs at them. "Although I have to stay close to him, he's using me to fly around this village quickly. If you run away then I won't chase you."

"Alright, see ya later sempai."

"Wait. I want to congratulate you three on the destruction of this village. It's beautiful un." he moulded some more explosive clay in his hands. "Now go!"

They skedaddled. Zetsu took the last scroll and released the two-tails from it. It was a colossal cat; its body was completely engulfed with wild blue flames.

"It's a giant kitty! Tobi wants to pet it!" Tobi said and his cat meowed loudly in greeting to the two-tails.

Kisame held him back. "That's not a good idea; if you touch it you'll get burnt."

The two-tails formed an incredibly dense ball of pure chakra and swallowed it, then fired it back out of its mouth at Kisame and Tobi. They dodged the intense chakra blast; the two-tails followed it up by rapidly spitting huge fireballs at them.

"Bad kitty!" Tobi yelled.

They retreated and hid from the dangerous feline.

Zetsu had no problems finding them; he popped out of the ground with three cardboard boxes. "I've brought pizza!"

"Yay!" said Tobi. He prodded some chunks of raw meat on his pizza. "What's this?"

"Oh sorry, that one's mine."

They carried their meal up to the top of a building, so they could watch the decimation of Amegakure as they ate. Much of the city was already in ruins.

The reanimated third Raikage was in battle with the three-tails. Both man and turtle were practically indestructible and couldn't inflict any damage upon each other. The five-tails ran past with the Seven Swordsmen and Haku riding on top of it, stabbing, slashing and biting at the tailed beasts back.

The team that had taken down the one-tails were now fighting the two-tails. Sasori was the only person inflicting any damage on the beast; he was shooting jets of water from his palms at it. Most cats hated water and the two-tails especially hated it, being a monster made of fire. Konan and Hanzo were arguing heatedly, Tobi had sent his cat to spy on them.

"You're supposed to be the leader of this village, why aren't you doing anything?" Hanzo confronted her.

"The flames would burn my paper. Why aren't you doing anything?"

"My salamander summon was defeated and my poison attacks would do more harm to your shinobi than to that beast."

"Deidara-kun, come here." Konan shouted.

"What un?" the blonde bomber asked.

"Throw some of your bombs at it."

"I can't un, I'm all out of clay. Well besides from this." he patted his clay bird. "But Kabuto-sama told me not to take it apart; we need it to fly places quickly."

"Kabuto-san." she shouted. "Can't you summon more undead ninja?"

"I'm afraid these are all the people I've been able to acquire DNA samples from." he said.

"Ok, I've got a plan." she said. "You should order the Seven Swordsmen to fight the two-tails; most of them are water users so will be able to hurt the flaming cat. We'll all fight the five-tails in their place. Except for you Deidara-kun, you'll go to pick up Nagato and Yahiko and back up the third Raikage. Nagato would take forever to walk there."

"Nice plan. Maybe you're not a bad leader after all." Hanzo complimented her grudgingly.

The Amegakure ninja and Sasori ran towards the five-tails while Deidara flew off in a different direction. Kabuto stayed where he was.

"I've just remembered I have one more deceased person that I can summon." he muttered to himself.

Tobi watched eagerly through his telescope as a coffin rose from the ground and opened up. Then he gasped in horror at seeing who came out. His telescope fell from his trembling hands and clattered to the floor, quickly being snatched up by Kisame.

"**Who is it?"** asked Zetsu impatiently.

"It's Tobi's mama!" Tobi squeaked, his sharingan wide with fright. He called his cat towards him; he would teleport away as soon as it arrived.

The three-tails plodded towards the two-tails, intending to fight with the blue behemoth. The third Raikage perched upon its back, pounding against its hard shell with his fists. Even his mighty strength wasn't enough to crack the turtles shell. Tobi's mother saw the beast coming and strolled towards it.

Tobi tried to tug the telescope from Kisame's hands. "It's mine, let go!"

The two fought over the instrument until a loud crash was heard. They looked towards the battlefield; the three-tails had been flipped onto its back and its head and limbs were lolling out of its shell limply.

Kisame peered through the telescope. He saw Tobi's mother standing right in front of the fallen beast, the third Raikage had jumped to safety and was a short distance away.

"Did your mother just KO the three-tails?" he asked incredulously.

Tobi whimpered. "I want to get out of here. She's going to be angry when she finds out it was Tobi who summoned it."

"She won't be able to see us, we're too far away." Kisame reassured him.

Tobi's cat reached the rooftop they were on and curled up on Tobi's lap.

"Are you absolutely sure?" the frightened Uchiha asked.

"Of course I am. We're not going to leave just yet; there are still two more rampaging beasts to watch."

"Please can I use the telescope?" Zetsu begged. "I want to see." **"It's my turn to use it."**

Kisame reluctantly handed it over; Zetsu brought it up to one of his yellow eyes.

"Hey Tobi, I think the third Raikage is hitting on your mum!" **"Oh fuck, she just KO'd him!"**

"Wow, your mother is scary Tobi-chan." Kisame laughed.

The masked man nodded in agreement. He took back his telescope and looked down at her. She immediately turned around and looked directly at him. Tobi gasped, she couldn't see him all the way up here could she? The woman glowered angrily at him.

"We have to go. _Right now!_" Tobi said urgently.

He ignored his friends protests and teleported them all out of Amegakure.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen

...

Sasori and Deidara had spent several days tracking down the still living Akatsuki members. They finally found them late at night in a pub, completely shit-faced.

"Deidara-sempai!" Tobi slurred, and hugged the blonde tightly. "Tobi loves you."

"Get off me un!" Deidara struggled to shove the bigger man off him.

Sasori gave a snort of disgust. "I can't believe this idiot was my replacement."

Tobi patted him on the head. "You look reeeally cute when you aren't inside that big scary puppet Sasori-san."

Sasori punched him in the dick.

"That was harsh un."

"Let's just get these drunken fools back to that bastard Kabuto."

Zetsu had split into half and was playing a game of pool with himself. White Zetsu potted five balls in a row and started performing his victory dance.

"**You haven't won yet, I could still make a comeback."**

"Suuuure you could…" white Zetsu taunted.

The black half staggered drunkenly around the pool table. He lined up his shot carefully and then hit the ball, which went careening off the table and smacked into Sasori's forehead.

White Zetsu burst into uncontrollable laughter, falling to the floor and rolling around.

"**I did that on purpose." **black Zetsu lied. **"Those two are our enemies now, they work for Kabuto."**

Sasori shoved the drunken black Zetsu over and beat him unconscious with a pool cue.

Deidara hauled up the white side from the floor. "Where is Master Kisame un?"

Zetsu scowled. "He's upstairs, with some whores."

"Go and get him." Sasori ordered his partner.

Deidara blushed. "I don't want to interrupt whatever it is he's doing."

The redhead sighed. "Fine, I'll fetch him myself. You stay here and keep an eye on these idiots."

Sasori marched upstairs. He interrupted the love-making sessions of several couples until he found Kisame's room. A bevy of working girls surrounded the naked blue man, caressing and kissing all over his muscular body.

Kisame's eyes widened in shock as his door was kicked in. "Sasori-san, what are you doing here?"

"Get dressed; I'm taking you to the Akatsuki base."

"I'm busy right now, can't you come back later?"

"No, hurry up and put your clothes on. I hate waiting."

Kisame continued to protest so Sasori tossed a sleeping gas bomb into the room. After it had taken effect he pulled Kisame out from under a pile of unconscious women and dragged him downstairs by the ankle, causing lots of bumps and bruises to the large man.

Deidara spluttered as he saw Kisame being dragged naked through the busy pub. "Couldn't you put some clothes on him un?"

"Clothing is unnecessary!" declared Zetsu loudly.

"Why are you so embarrassed at seeing him naked?" asked Sasori. "You're not bothered by Zetsu always wandering around with his wiener out."

"I'm not embarrassed; I just think that Master Kisame would be upset about being nude in public un."

Sasori gave him a knowing smirk. "You must be jealous that your cock isn't as large as his."

"No I'm not un!"

"It's ok, I understand. I'll go and find his pants." Sasori went back upstairs.

"What's going on Deidara-sempai?" Tobi slurred.

"I think we're being kidnapped." Zetsu giggled drunkenly.

"Yeah, this is going much easier than expected." said Deidara. "I'm glad you're both too drunk to put up a fight."

Once Sasori returned the young terrorist left the pub. He stole a waggon and hitched two clay horses to it. Then he and his partner unceremoniously dumped the four bodies into the back. A drunken cat emerged from the pub and staggered up to the waggon; it clambered inside clumsily.

The two sober men sat at the front of the waggon, Deidara flicked the reins and his clay horses set off at a relaxed trot.

"Master Sasori." shouted Deidara above the sounds of Tobi's off-key singing and his cat's yowling. "Are we going to travel throughout the night?"

"Yes, you don't need to rest now that you're undead."

Deidara sighed. "I hate not being able to sleep."

"Why? You should be happy to have a body that doesn't need to eat, drink and sleep."

"You wouldn't understand, you turned yourself into a freaking puppet un. I liked eating and I liked having a good night's sleep."

The waggon kept on rolling and didn't stop until the next afternoon. Kisame was shaken awake.

"Here's your breakfast." Deidara gave him a plate of rice balls.

Kisame ate a couple and then pushed the plate away. "They taste terrible."

"That's because I put a bit of explosive clay inside un."

"Why the fuck did you do that?"

"To prevent you from escaping." Deidara answered. "I'm just following Kabuto-sama's orders. I don't want to kill you but I'll have to if you run away un."

"**What does that scumbag want with us?" **a re-joined Zetsu asked.

"He just wants you to work for him un."

"I don't want to." Zetsu griped.

"You have to. You ate the most of those clay balls. If you run away then you'll go BOOM!" Deidara spread his arms wide. "And your guts will go flying everyway un. It will be very artistic."

Deidara was grinning manically.

Kisame slung an arm around Zetsu comfortingly. "It might not be so bad working for Kabuto-san."

"Yeah, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't even be here." said Deidara. "He resurrected Itachi-san too un. He's at the base; Kabuto-sama is trying to fix his eyesight."

"Really? That's great!" Kisame grinned broadly.

Tobi was clutching his head. "Tobi has a hangover." he groaned.

"It serves you right for drinking so much." said Deidara unsympathetically. He turned to Kisame. "I'm surprised you allowed him to get drunk, he's more than enough trouble when sober un."

"Kisame lets him get drunk all the time."** "And eat as much candy as he likes."** Zetsu tattled.

"You're a bad influence on him un."

"He's not a child, even if he acts like one. He should be allowed a bit of alcohol every now and then." insisted Kisame.

"Yeah, let's go drinking tonight Deidara-sempai. It's fun!" said Tobi.

"I don't think so." Sasori said. "You're not going to waste any more cash on booze and whores."

"Talk about wasting money, I spent a fortune on those ladies and you interrupted before I could even enjoy their services." Kisame scowled.

"Erm… I think we should go un." Deidara said awkwardly.

Kisame stood up and stretched. "My body hurts all over, what happened after I got sleep bombed last night?"

"You were naked." said Zetsu. "And Sasori was very rough with you."

"Oh fucking hell… did I get raped by a zombie puppet man?"

"No you didn't." Deidara intervened. "Stop teasing him Zetsu-san."

"Let's go." said Sasori impatiently.

Deidara created three clay birds. "I guess we can fly back now that everyone is awake and sober. Try not to fall off Tobi."

The artistic duo climbed onto a bird together.

"Tobi wants to go with you Deidara-sempai."

Sasori wrapped his arms around Deidara possessively. "He's _my _partner."

"I'm very sorry Tobi, but I like Master Sasori more un." Deidara apologised.

The masked Uchiha burst into tears.

A white arm pulled him into a hug. "Ssssshhhh, don't cry." **"We'll find you a better partner, one that doesn't keep trying to blow you up."**

They flew to the Akatsuki base, which was one of Orochimaru's old secret laboratories. Kabuto and Itachi were playing a game of checkers.

"Itachi-san!" exclaimed Kisame joyfully. "It's great to see you again!"

"Hn." Itachi moved a red checker piece, jumping it twice to capture two of his opponent's pieces.

Kabuto frowned as he looked down at the board, deliberating over what move to make.

"You're always playing stupid games Kabuto-san, you're such a dork." Kisame laughed.

Kabuto stood up and faced the brawny man.

"That's no way to speak to your leader." he smirked. "You should treat me with respect and obedience, right?"

"Err, yes sir."

"Good shark." Kabuto then looked at the plant-man. "Ah Zetsu-san, come here."

Zetsu shuffled towards him reluctantly. **"What do you want?" **he said sullenly.

"I want you to refer to me as Kabuto-sama from now on. Let me hear you say it."

"**Alright, you say it." **black Zetsu told his white side. "No you say it." **"No you say it." **"No you say it." **"No you say it."** "No you say it."** "No you say it."** "No you say it."** "No you say it." **"No you…"

"That's enough!" Kabuto shouted. "Just shut the fuck up you annoying overgrown weed."

"What do you want us to do now un?" asked Deidara.

"I'll send you all to gather more DNA samples of famous deceased shinobi."

Kabuto sat down at a desk and began to write up mission scrolls.

"Hey Itachi-san, are you alright?" Kisame asked.

The antisocial Uchiha nodded.

"Are you sure?" Zetsu asked and leaned in close to whisper. "You've been alone with _him _for a while." **"He's got that creepy old snake Orochimaru inside of him."**

"I heard that." Kabuto called out, not looking up from his work. "I assure you I am in complete control of myself; Orochimaru-sama has been banished from my mind."

"Like I'd trust anything that liar says." Zetsu muttered.

Kabuto continued writing in silence, but a large white snake emerged from under his cloak and hissed at Zetsu.

"We'll be able to prove that he's telling the truth if we get Itachi-san to do a striptease in front of him and he doesn't get a nosebleed." Kisame joked.

Itachi shot his partner a glare, his expression clearly showing that he was not amused.

"I'll do it!" Zetsu announced. He grew a leafy skirt around his waist.

He danced around the room, at intervals ripping off fronds of vegetation and throwing them at his fellow Akatsuki members.

"That's not going to work." said Sasori. "Orochimaru only likes pretty boys."

Undeterred, Zetsu continued his slow, sensual striptease.

Kabuto finished writing up a mission scroll. "Come here Zetsu-san."

The plant-man danced his way over and Kabuto handed him the scroll.

"You have a week to complete this mission, don't be late back." said Kabuto. "Take Sasori-san and Deidara-san with you."

"Ok." Zetsu turned to leave.

"Wait! Didn't you mean to say 'Ok Kabuto-sama, I'll do whatever you say.' "

"Ok Kabuto…" Zetsu began to make fake coughing sounds. "I can't…" he coughed. "…speak." he fell to the floor, coughing and gasping for air.

"Zetsu-san, stand up." Kabuto said firmly. "If you don't do as I say then I think I'll have some fun torturing your best friend while you're away."

Zetsu looked over at Tobi and then back at the smirking man in front of him. "Ok Kabuto-sama, I'll do whatever you say." he mumbled quietly.

"Good. Now get out of here."

Zetsu left along with Deidara and Sasori.

"Kisame-san, do you remember your idea to kidnap the Kazekage's sister to force her boyfriend to reveal where Hidan-san is buried?" asked Kabuto.

"Are you going to bring back Hidan-sama?" Tobi asked, bouncing up and down excitedly.

"Yes. You three are going to visit the Hidden Sand Village. The chuunin exams are being held there, they should be starting in a few days. Security will be extra tight so try not to get caught."

Kabuto busied himself writing up their mission scroll.

"Itachi-san, aren't you happy to be back?" Kisame asked his stoic partner.

"Hn."

"You could at least say something. I've not seen you in ages."

Itachi remained silent for a few moments, but then took a breath to speak.

"Checkers isn't stupid." he said.

"Um, what?"

"It's a strategic game, playing it is great for improving your critical thinking skills."

Tobi sat down opposite Itachi. "Teach Tobi how to play."

Itachi poked the top of his mask. "I'm sorry Tobi… maybe next time."

"Hey Itachi-san, did you know we're related?"

"Yes. Don't worry, I won't murder you."

"That's nice. We should have lots of family playtime!"

"Hn."

Tobi continued to pester his relative until their leader finishing writing and handed over the mission scroll. The team of three left the Akatsuki base and Itachi browsed through the scroll as they walked. He saw that the Hidden Leaf wouldn't be attending these chuunin exams because of the destruction of their village.

"Konoha… was destroyed?" he asked, his emotions in turmoil. He'd sacrificed everything for his village, just to have it destroyed anyway.

"Yep yep. Zetsu-san recorded it, you should watch it later. It was awesome!" said Tobi cheerily.

Itachi's eyes changed into the mangekyo sharingan and he glared fiercely at Tobi. Kisame stepped in-between them.

"Whoa, don't hurt Tobi-chan." he said. "Konoha is fine. Well Pain-sama did destroy it but then he revived everyone afterwards for some reason. I guess they're not entering the chuunin exams because they're too busy rebuilding."

Itachi relaxed.

"How is Sasuke?" he asked. "Did he return home as a hero after defeating me?"

"No, he's still a missing-nin."

"Yep." said Tobi. "After Kisame-san told him that you're a good boy, he decided that he's going to get revenge against the Hidden Leaf for ordering you to slaughter your clan."

"You told him _what?_" Itachi glared at Kisame.

"I told him everything about you and now he doesn't hate you anymore. Isn't that great?" Kisame smiled nervously.

"No it is _not _great, you've ruined my plan."

"Calm down Itachi-san… please calm down." Kisame tried to pacify the furious Uchiha.

"Tsukuyomi."

Itachi trapped him within a genjutsu, altering his perception of time so that three days passed by in mere seconds. The shark-man was tortured during that time by having Killer B's awful rap music blasted continuously at a thunderous volume.

Kisame was gibbering in horror, begging to be put out of his misery.

Itachi slapped him across the face. "Snap out of it. I've released you from the genjutsu."

Kisame shut up for a moment and looked around at his surroundings. It had seemed like three days since he'd last seen this place.

"It's over." he said. "It's finally over…"

"Now you're going to tell me everything that happened after I died." Itachi commanded.

They talked as they walked. Itachi was very upset when he heard that Jiraiya had been killed and no more books in the Icha Icha series would be published.

It took a few days to reach Sunagakure as Tobi had never been there before and so couldn't just teleport them in. The village was located in a fortified valley, entirely surrounded by great cliffs that had been carved to form giant step-like platforms upon which a legion of guards kept watch. The three outlaws stood far outside the village and Itachi used a genjutsu to conceal their presence.

Tobi used his telescope to look at the incredibly well-guarded village. "Tobi isn't sure how we're going to sneak in, there are too many guards."

"It will be easy to get inside. I have a plan." Kisame grinned.

"What is it?"

"We'll transform into kids and enter the chuunin exams."

"That's a great idea Kisame-san!" Tobi approved.

They all transformed. Itachi and Tobi now appeared to be an inconspicuous boy and girl respectively. Kisame looked just like a younger version of himself.

"You never were good at transformation jutsus." Itachi said critically to the blue-skinned boy.

"Tobi is good at them." the masked girl said. She held up her cat. "I've transformed Pain-chan too so he looks normal."

"You should transform Samehada as well." Itachi suggested to Kisame.

The shark-boy tried to change his sword into a regular katana, but failed miserably.

"I'm sorry Samehada but I can't carry you into Suna, you'll give us away." he apologised.

"Gi Gi!" it protested before getting stuffed inside a sealing scroll.

The three fake-children approached the only entrance to the village, a narrow gap in the ramparts. They were stopped by guards and questioned.

"We're here to enter the chuunin exams." Tobi proclaimed. "Let us in."

"You're late." a guard said. "And why are three young genin travelling without adult supervision?"

"Our sensei got eaten by dogs and we got lost in the desert." Tobi said sadly.

"Awwww, that's terrible." the guard said sympathetically. "Where do you come from?"

"We are from the Land of Dangos."

"I've never heard of that country."

"I'm not surprised, it's just a remote island country." said Itachi. "Our Daimyo decided to train his own ninja instead of hiring foreign ones. We're the very first to enter the chuunin exams."

They were permitted to enter the Hidden Sand Village and were escorted to the mission office. They quickly filled out the necessary paperwork and listened to a boring lecture about not killing or mutilating the other entrants during the tests. Then a friendly jounin guided them towards where the first exam was soon to start.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen

...

Zetsu snuggled with Might Guy in bed after an exhausting lovemaking session; the green beast sure had a lot of stamina. He ran his pale hand through his lovers bowl-cut.

"I'm so happy you returned to me Zetsu." said Guy.

"Mmm, me too." **"No I'm not."**

"I didn't think you loved me enough to give up your evil cannibalistic ways and settle down in Konoha."

"Um, well actually…" **"I'm not staying here."**

Zetsu scrambled out of the bed and Guy leaped out energetically after him. He took hold of Zetsu's white hand and dropped to one knee, gazing adoringly up into his yellow eyes.

"Zetsu, will you marry me?" he proposed.

"**Fuck no!" **"I'm so sorry." **"There's no way in hell I'm going to marry you!"**

His hopes dashed, Guy began to weep. Feeling uncomfortable, Zetsu bade a hasty retreat. He lurked just outside of Guy's apartment and listened in as the jilted man loudly lamented his lost love. Black Zetsu wanted to leave the man to his misery but his other half felt guilt-ridden and wanted to comfort him somehow.

Deidara and Sasori had taken over a small house in Konoha; it was recently built and didn't have much in the way of furnishings. They sat on the floor amidst a pile of dead bodies as they worked.

Deidara used a stick to poke at a stinking pile of rotting flesh and black tentacles. "This is definitely Kakuzu-san un."

Sasori stuck a hand into the mess and rooted around until he found an Akatsuki ring.

"Yes it is." he agreed.

He bagged a sample of Kakuzu and Deidara wrote out a label. They continued with their attempts to identify the corpses in the room, Pain had blasted all the gravestones away when he destroyed the village so it wasn't easy.

Later Zetsu returned, looking very troubled. He ignored his teammate's greetings and went straight into the bedroom and flopped down onto a dirty mattress.

Deidara followed him. "Is something wrong un?"

"**No, leave me alone." **"Yes actually, there's something I need to do tomorrow. You two will have to take care of the mission without me."

He ignored Deidara's prying into what had happened and Sasori's bitching about him not pulling his weight. He soon drifted off into sleep.

Deidara let out a heavy sigh. "I wish I could go to sleep too."

"Well you can't, so keep working." Sasori said insensitively.

Deidara poked some more rotting bodies with his stick, looking for any signs of identification.

Once they'd finished as best as they could, they decided to take a walk to get some fresh air. They strolled through Konoha, taking in the sights of the partially reconstructed village in the moonlight.

"It's beautiful, seeing this place reduced to ruins un." said Deidara.

"This village had nice architecture; it's such a waste to see it destroyed." Sasori disagreed. "I loved all the bright colours; it was much more interesting than my home village and its uniform yellow rock."

They continued to bicker about the true meaning of art.

"You know Master Sasori, I missed you un." said Deidara. "Even though we do argue a lot, I like hanging out with you."

"Hmmph." the puppeteer uttered noncommittally.

"What's that supposed to mean?" questioned Deidara, but was greeted by silence. "Ugh, forget it. You're an asshole un, I only missed having you as my partner because Tobi was so annoying un."

The next day Zetsu woke up bright and early. He set off and soon found his target, Rock Lee. He followed the boy who was jogging around the crater of Konoha. Lee had a feeling that he was being watched but whenever he stopped to look around he didn't see anything out of the ordinary.

During his twelfth lap around the crater he bumped into Kiba who was out taking his dog for a walk. The two boys started chatting (although Lee kept jogging on the spot) and Akamaru sniffed at an odd-looking shrub. The dog then turned around, lifted a leg up and proceeded to mark his territory.

Kiba whistled for his dog. "We're going, see you later Lee-san."

"Are you sure you don't want to join me for my morning jog? I only have 38 and a half more laps to go." Lee said.

Kiba declined the offer and departed.

Zetsu opened his fly-trap and watched as Lee continued running. He was exhausted after trailing him for so long and decided to retreat for now. The carnivorous plant-man went back to the small house he'd been staying and started munching on Kakuzu's tentacles.

"What do you think you're doing?" Sasori scowled at him.

"You already took a sample right?" **"So I should be able to eat the rest." **Zetsu reasoned.

"No. Come on, we need do more grave-robbing."

"**Do it yourself." **"I told you I had something I need to do today."

"It would take us forever to dig up all the bodies; you can just traverse through the ground and throw them out to us."

"I'll help you tonight." **"Maybe."**

"You'll do it now. If I don't complete my missions quickly then Kabuto will take away my free-will."

"I'll help you out later, it's a promise." Zetsu grabbed some tentacles-to-go and sank into the ground.

Sasori took out his frustrations on the dead bodies in the room, stomping on them so hard they merged with the floorboards.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Deidara. "You've been a crabby bastard ever since you got resurrected."

"It's just that Kabuto somehow cancelled my technique that was controlling him, and now _I'm_ the one under _his_ control. Ugh."

"Being controlled is better than being dead right? You should be grateful to Kabuto-sama."

"It makes me feel sick the way you suck up to that snake."

"He's our leader, I'm just treating him the way I treated Pain-sama."

"Whatever. Help me find some good ninjas to turn into puppets. We might as well do something until Zetsu gets back to us."

"I don't think that's a good idea, we're supposed to keep a low profile un."

Deidara found himself lifted into the air by invisible chakra strings.

Sasori smirked "Or maybe I'll just stay here and play with you."

"I'll help you Master Sasori, just let me down un!"

Zetsu waited until Lee finished his morning jog and followed him home; he lived in a newly constructed wooden apartment block.

"I'm home mother." Lee called out.

A civilian woman in her late thirties smiled at the boy. She was quite pretty and had large round eyes just like her son. She presented him with a bowl of chickpeas and Lee's face fell.

"I'm sorry but since the village was destroyed there isn't much food available." she apologised. "I could search through the rubble for something else to eat if you want."

"No, it's alright. This makes a very nutritious breakfast. Thank you!"

Lee finished his meal quickly before leaving to join his teammates in their training session.

Zetsu emerged through the wall. "Hello there."

Lee's mother jumped with fright. "Who are you and what are you doing in my kitchen?"

"**I'm Zetsu." **"I'm just here to talk to you. Don't worry; I won't eat you or anything."

"Ok, what do you want to talk about?" she asked cautiously.

"Your son is a nice kid. He takes after his father a lot doesn't he?"

Her large eyes widened in shock. "He… he doesn't have a father."

"Oh really?" **"Guy talks to himself a lot when he's upset." **"Yes, about lots of interesting things…"

"Please don't tell anyone what you overheard." she begged desperately.

"**Why not? I think Lee should know who his father is."**

Her face flushed red with shame. "Guy-san was only thirteen when we… you know."

"Ooooooooh, so he was a stud even when he was young."

"No he wasn't, it was just a drunken mistake. Don't tell everyone about this, I'm begging you. I'd die of embarrassment."

"**We certainly don't want that to happen." **"No, we want you and Guy to get married."

"You WHAT?" she yelled, and then regained her composure. "I don't want anything to do with him, have you _seen_ the way he dresses."

"Who cares what he wears, he's sexy when he takes that jumpsuit off."

"It's hideous, and he's got Lee dressing just like him too."

"**He's really good to his son; you should get together for Lee's sake."**

She shuddered. "Absolutely not, I can't stand the sight of him. NOW GET OUT!"

Elsewhere in Konoha, Kakashi Hatake was strolling along with his nose buried in his favourite book. He was reading a particularly naughty page and couldn't help laughing to himself. He didn't seem to notice the disapproving stares of the Leaf citizens he passed nor the two ninjas following him.

He wandered over to the edge of the crater and climbed over the piled-up debris until he came across the memorial stone. It was broken at the base, covered in cracks and flat on its side. He returned his book to its pouch and sat down near the large slab of stone.

"I'm sorry but Danzo denied my request to have this monument restored. Don't worry though; I've been planning a coup with some friends of mine so we'll get rid of him soon. Everyone is determined to make _me _the next Hokage, would you believe that?" he laughed nervously.

He rambled on, discussing his plans in detail.

"Ah, I didn't realise it was so late. I promised Naruto that I'd help with his training. I'd better go, see you tomorrow."

He left but on the way to the training grounds he got caught in a trap.

He sighed. "What do you two want with me?"

Anko laughed. "To think we'd be able to capture the future-Hokage so easily. Nice work Captain Yamato!"

"I'm sorry Kakashi-sempai, she made me do this." her accomplice apologised.

Kakashi tried and failed to break the wooden planks of his cage.

"We're not letting you go until you reveal your face." Anko smirked.

Kakashi's eye widened. "Look behind you!"

"Ha! I'm not going to fall for that!"

"No really, two of the Akatsuki are over there."

"Do you think we're stupid?" said Yamato. "That's the oldest trick in the book."

Anko and Yamato resolutely refused to turn around, despite Kakashi's desperate pleas for them to do so. They were both knocked out by the Akatsuki's artistic duo.

"Three of the Leaf's top jounin… they'll make an excellent start to my new puppet army." said Sasori.

Deidara prowled around the wooden cage. "This is the guy who destroyed one of my arms un."

"May I have a final request before you kill me?" Kakashi asked politely.

"What do you want un?"

The silver-haired man pulled out a sheaf of papers. "I've been writing a story, let me read it to you and then please tell me how it compares to Jiraiya-sama's works."

"We don't have time for this." Sasori said impatiently.

"I want to hear it." Deidara blushed. He was a secret fan of Icha Icha.

Deidara listened raptly to the romantic and saucy tale while Sasori took out his carpentry tools and began to carve puppetry parts.

"Take off your mask." he ordered.

"No." Kakashi refused. "Why can't I still wear it as a puppet?"

"Because then I won't be able to make your mouth shoot out poison darts."

"Stop interrupting un." said Deidara. "I want to hear what happens next."

Kakashi continued reading out loud, but soon came to the last page. "If you let me live then I'll be able to finish writing this book."

"No, you're going to die today." said Sasori.

Kakashi sighed. "I guess I'm not as good a writer as Jiraiya-sama then. I'd hoped you'd set me free if this was good enough."

"Master Sasori, I think we should let him go un." said Deidara.

"You don't actually like this crap do you?" asked Sasori. He stood up. "I'm going to kill him right now."

"Don't you want to see me dance first?" asked Kakashi.

"You've kept me waiting long enough."

"Actually, I was stalling until help arrived. You see, I knew Yamato and Anko were following me so I switched with a clone. Then when you two entered the scene my real-self went for reinforcements. They should be here right… about…... now!"

The shadow clone in the cage disappeared and the real Kakashi along with several ANBU squads popped in around Deidara and Sasori.

They ran away. Sure they were invincible now, but they didn't want to get captured and locked-up. They entered the rebuilt section of the village, hoping to lose their pursuers in the crowds.

"**Pssst, in here!" **Zetsu called out from within a building.

Sasori and Deidara hastily entered. Two parasite clones absorbed some of their chakra and turned into perfect copies of them. Zetsu grabbed his comrades and dragged them down into the ground just before loads of ANBU burst into the building and attacked the clones.

Zetsu travelled to safety then came out from the earth, along with his teammates.

"It feels so weird being merged with the ground, I don't like it." said Deidara. "But thanks for rescuing us un."

"No problem." said Zetsu. "There's something I need your help with in return."

"You haven't been helping much with our mission, so we're not going to help you now." Sasori said.

"But I just saved your bacon! And this is something that requires a bit of artistic flair, so that's why I've come to you two."

"Oh?" Sasori's interest was piqued.

"**I need you to give Might Guy a makeover."**

When Guy came to, he was bound to a chair and Zetsu was standing in front of him.

"**Ah, you're finally awake."**

"What's going on?" Guy asked. He saw the other two Akatsuki members approach him with scissors and tweezers. "Is it not bad enough that you toyed with my heart, now you're going to torture me too?"

"We're not going to torture you." said Deidara. "I'm just going to give you a haircut un."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Guy yelled at the top of his lungs. "Don't cut my luscious hair, anything but that!"

It took many hours to complete Guy's transformation, and then Zetsu dragged him away. His black half split off to find Lee's mother, he popped out of the ground in front of her.

She screamed. "Stop just appearing out of nowhere!"

"**Shut up and come with me."**

She obediently followed after the strange man. He looked different from last time, like only half of him was there. Then she saw his missing half, along with another man, standing over a prone green body.

"Lee!" she exclaimed and knelt down next to her unmoving son, shaking him gently.

"He's alright; he just fainted after seeing how unyouthful I looked."

She turned her eyes towards the man who spoke. He was casually dressed, his shirt open to reveal a chiselled torso. His face seemed familiar, but she couldn't quite place where she'd seen him before.

He smiled, and his gleaming white teeth gave of a 'ping'.

She gasped. "Guy-san?"

Just then Lee woke up. "What's going on?"

"Lee! I'm so sorry for scaring you." Guy apologised. "I promise to change back into my youthful green attire, and maybe a medic-nin will be able to regrow my glorious fuzzy eyebrows."

"Don't you dare!" Lee's mother said.

Guy looked shocked. "You don't actually like this terrible outfit I was forced to wear?"

She looked away and blushed. "Maybe."

Black Zetsu shoved the woman towards Guy, who caught her safely.

"Awww, don't they make a sweet couple?" said white Zetsu.

"**Yes they do."**

Tears of joy poured from Lee's eyes. "Are Guy-sensei and my mother dating? This is the happiest day of my life!"

Seeing the delighted expression on Lee's face, his mother didn't have the heart to protest. Maybe he did deserve to have a father in his life.

Zetsu was happy that his matchmaking was successful, especially his black side who was very relieved that the bizarre beast was now off-limits. He watched the family walk off together into the setting sun.

On the other side of the village two friends were also watching the sunset, the blaze of colours across the horizon captivated the men who by rights shouldn't be alive to watch it.

"What shall we do now un?" Deidara asked, after darkness had set in.

Sasori sighed. "I don't know."

"Are you alright?" asked Deidara, concerned.

"No I'm not alright." Sasori snapped. "We were supposed to keep a low profile, but you insisted on going out and now everyone in Konoha knows we're here. They'll be on the lookout so we won't be able to complete our mission."

"It was _you_ who decided to wander around to look for people to turn into puppets un. I wouldn't worry though; we did manage to get DNA samples of a few people on Kabuto-sama's list."

"He's going to erase my personality. Fuck, I wish I'd never been brought back."

Sasori's skin turned ashen and began to crumble and flake away. "Please take my original body to Sunagakure." he requested.

Deidara grabbed hold of his partner's shoulders. "Master Sasori, don't die!"

"We're already dead." Sasori smiled. "We had some good times together, I'm glad you were my partner Deidara."

Tears ran down Deidara's face and he shook the grey disintegrating man angrily. "You can't go, art is supposed be eternal un!"

Sasori's deterioration suddenly reversed and he regained full colour. His cute smile changed into a smirk. "You finally realised what the true meaning of art is."

Deidara backed away. "I only said that so you wouldn't go, I didn't really mean it. Art is a bang!"

"If that's what you really believe then how come you're so happy to be resurrected, doesn't that diminish your final masterpiece?"

"Well err… fuck, what was I thinking? I'm going to blow myself up again un!"

"You're invincible now so an explosion won't kill you. You have to truly wish for death, and I can see in your eyes that you want to live."

"Yeah." Deidara admitted. "Maybe some things should last for a long time."

"And maybe…" Sasori trailed off, refusing to admit that nothing lasts for an eternity.

"What un?"

Sasori gave his friend a hug. "You're going to remain my partner forever."


	17. Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

...

A cluster of genin gathered in the centre of an immense cavern. The place was lit by chakra-globes scattered around giving off an eerie green glow. They waited at the edge of a calm underground lake which served as a moat to a small castle.

A drawbridge lowered over the still waters and a group of Sand ninja crossed.

"My name is Temari and I am the head instructor for these exams." a kunoichi introduced herself.

"That's her!" Tobi nudged Kisame, pleased to have found the woman they were supposed to kidnap.

"I know, be quiet." he whispered.

"Now I will explain what you must do to pass the first test." Temari continued. "Each team must collect three items and then reach this castle. If you don't have the necessary number of items then you won't be permitted inside and you will fail. You have three days to complete this task."

Another instructor stepped forward; he was wearing a silly hat shaped like a squid. It was adorned with large googly eyes just above his own and soft plush tentacles which hung down over his shoulders.

"Those items that Temari-sama mentioned are hats! You'll find a variety of cool hats hidden throughout subterranean Suna. Isn't this exciting?" he beamed.

"Any questions?" Temari asked.

Several hands shot up into the air.

"You first." she pointed at a boy from the Hidden Cloud.

"How big are these caves beneath Suna?" he asked.

"They extend under the entire village. This section is natural but most of it is man-made catacombs."

A girl from Iwa spoke up next. "What are we supposed to eat while we're here?"

"You're not down here for too long; you'll live without any food. But if you're really hungry you might want to try eating some of the large critters that roam around."

"W-what kind of critters?"

Temari chuckled. "You'll see."

A cute girl waved her arm frantically. "Pick me, pick me!"

"Yes?"

The girl, who was actually Tobi in disguise, got up and walked towards Temari. "Will you look after my kitty? I don't want him to get eaten."

"Oh… very well." she took the cat from the Tobi's arms. "Any more questions?"

"Why hats?" Itachi asked.

"Because hats are awesome!" the man with a squid on his head yelled.

The instructors spent a while answering questions and then handed out survival kits to the genin teams. The first test officially started and the participants all ventured into the dark tunnels and split off into groups of three. The Akatsuki walked for several hours through a series of caves and narrow winding corridors that were like a labyrinth in their complexity.

Tobi and Kisame were arguing about which one of them would win the chuunin exams.

"Neither of you are going to win, so be quiet." Itachi told them.

"I'll be able to beat you easily Itachi-san." Kisame smirked. "You can't use your sharingan because that would blow your cover."

The weasel looked affronted. "I don't just use my ocular techniques; I'm good at taijutsu too."

"You hit like a little kid and now that you're transformed into one you probably hit like a baby."

Itachi glared at his smack-talking partner. "Hn."

"Do you even lift? You should work out so you become strong like me."

Itachi's eyes changed to a dangerous red but before he could engage in battle he got distracted by Tobi, who fell to the floor and rolled onto her back, wriggling gleefully.

"What's wrong with him?" Itachi asked.

"Temari-san is stroking Pain-chan's tummy. It feels so nice." said Tobi. "Anyway, I'm going to beat everyone in the chuunin tournament and then Tobi's mama will be very proud."

Itachi looked down at the girl sprawled on the floor. "You're not going to win Tobi, _none of us are! _We're not staying here in Suna for an entire month until the tournament starts."

"You just don't want to enter because you know you'll get beat."

"Shut up Kisame."

They entered an ominous cave; cobwebs were strung across the stalactites that clung from the roof and stalagmites that reached up to meet them. Oversized spiders scuttled around, fleeing from the bright light of the torch Itachi carried. The largest spider of all stood its ground confidently; it was even bigger than the children that entered its lair. Upon its head rested a yellow and red hat with a propeller on top.

"Tobi wants that hat!" Tobi said, as she hid behind Kisame. "But that spider is big and scary, so will you beat it up for me please?"

"Sure." he walked towards the spider with a wide grin stretched across his face.

The arachnid spoke up.

"There's no need for us to fight.

I promise I will not bite.

Answer my questions right.

And I'll give you this hat tonight."

"I hate riddles, give me the stupid hat or I'll pull your legs off." Kisame threatened.

The smaller spiders congregated around the large one. "Don't hurt our mummy." several of them squeaked in unison.

Kisame opened his mouth and a flood of water gushed out.

"You've drowned my babies, you monster!" the mother spider shrieked and lunged at the blue ninja.

Kisame brutally murdered the giant arachnid, ripping it limb from limb. He took the hat, washed off the spider's blood, and placed it on Tobi's head.

Tobi hugged him tightly. "Thank you Kisame-san, you're my hero."

Kisame flicked the propeller on Tobi's head so it spun. "No problem."

They'd been searching for several more hours with no luck. Itachi had grown tired of his teammates constant chatting and had commanded them to be quiet. They trooped along in silence.

"Ouch." Tobi suddenly yelped. "That bad weasel bites hard!"

"Did you just bite Tobi-chan?" Kisame turned to Itachi with an amused smirk.

"Hn."

"No, I was talking about Temari-san's weasel summon." Tobi said. "It keeps bullying Pain-chan when she's not looking."

"Has Pain-chan discovered anything interesting about her?" Kisame asked.

"She's quite sad because she can't visit her brother in hospital while she's overseeing this exam."

"Which brother?" asked Itachi.

"I don't know. Do you think it's the one with funny make-up that you cut the legs off Kisame-san?"

"Most likely." Kisame grinned.

Itachi glared at him. "Hn."

"I suppose I won't be able to chop off people's legs anymore now that you've been resurrected." Kisame grumbled.

The propeller on Tobi's head began to spin.

"Where is that breeze coming from?" inquired Itachi.

"This way!" Tobi sprinted down a long corridor, closely followed by his teammates.

The corridor opened up into large underground room. Two genin teams were in the middle of a fight, one from the Hidden Sand and the other from the Hidden Rock. A Sand genin was creating strong blasts of wind with a giant fan and driving back the other team.

A Rock kunoichi was wearing a wide-brimmed witch's hat. "Let's team up against these hat thieves." she suggested to the Akatsuki.

"It's a witch! Please don't turn Tobi into a toad." begged a frightened Tobi.

"Idiot." she said, clutching her hat to prevent it from being blown off. "I'm not a damn witch, are you going to help us or not?"

"Of course not, I'll just beat up the lot of you." said Kisame.

"I'll do it." Itachi said. He didn't want his bloodthirsty partner to rough up the kids too much.

"Are you having a laugh? There's no way you'll take out two teams all by yourself." the girl from Iwa mocked him.

The Sand and Rock genin all looked at the small unassuming boy that was Itachi, his eyes changed colour from black to red and they were caught in a genjutsu. They were impaled on crucifixes in a strange world with a blood red sky. A flock of crows descended on the helpless children and pecked at them, tearing out chunks of flesh and gulping it down.

Itachi let them suffer for a few hours (although not even a second passed by in reality) before releasing them. They all fled screaming in terror except for the Iwa girl whose arm was gripped tightly by the Uchiha. She removed her witch's hat and thrust it at him.

"Take it, just don't torture me anymore." she said, while sobbing. Itachi let her go and she ran away as fast as she could.

Itachi ignored his partner's griping at not being able to beat up the kids. He may of caused them severe psychological trauma, but at least they weren't crippled like what would've likely happened if he'd set the shark loose.

"Hey Itachi-san, aren't you going to put your hat on?" Tobi asked.

"No." he threw it at Kisame. "You have it."

The shark-man put the conical hat on his head. He knew he looked silly, but at least he didn't have to flatten his shark-fin shaped hair to wear it.

"Hgn." Itachi made a sound that was almost like a snicker.

They travelled for several hours more. The masked girl yawned loudly. "Is it night time yet? Tobi is sleepy."

"You two have some rest, I'll send out some clones to search." Itachi said.

The reincarnated Uchiha created a vast number of crow-clones with his unlimited chakra and sent them out to look for hats. He then sat down and began to meditate.

Kisame and Tobi released their transformation jutsus as they wouldn't be able to hold onto them as they slept. Kisame lay down on the stone floor and closed his eyes. He began to fantasize about Mei Terumi doing very naughty things to him and his pants started to feel uncomfortably tight. Then Tobi came along and snuggled up next to him.

"Don't sleep so close Tobi-chan." Kisame tried nudging him away.

"But Tobi is freezing." he clung tightly to the blue man.

"Oh, well I guess we can cuddle for warmth."

Tobi tossed and turned for a minute. He then slung a leg over Kisame and lay on top of him, his head resting on the muscular man's chest. Kisame could feel his friend's manhood pressing against his own, which was still semi-erect.

"What do you think you're doing?" he yelled.

"The floor is really hard; Tobi decided sleeping on you would be more comfy. Is something wrong?"

"I don't like you lying on top of Little Samehada." Kisame's cheeks were flushed purple with embarrassment.

"Tobi is sorry." he scooted upwards a bit, so his masked face was just above Kisame's.

Kisame felt rather uncomfortable at being in such close proximity to another man, but then Tobi slid his arms under his head. They made a better pillow than the hard stone floor, so he decided to let him remain where he was. Besides, it wasn't as if his cute innocent friend would have any ulterior motives. He relaxed and closed his eyes again.

Then he felt Tobi's mask bump against his face, and he heard his friend make smooching sounds.

His beady eyes shot open. "Why are you trying to kiss me though your mask?" he asked.

"Because I'm your girlfriend." Tobi answered, and then yelped as he was suddenly thrown halfway across the room.

"You are _not _my girlfriend." said Kisame. "You're not even a girl."

"But you need a boy and a girl to make babies, and Tobi is definitely the prettiest so I should be the girl."

Kisame groaned with exasperation. Then he noticed his partner quietly meditating in the corner.

"Itachi-san, I think you should have _the talk_ with him. He is part of your clan after all."

Itachi creaked an eye open. "You talk to him, he's _your _girlfriend."

"No he isn't!" Kisame insisted, but nonetheless called Tobi over. "Listen, you need a real woman if you want to reproduce okay?"

"Alright." Tobi nodded. "I'll ask Deidara-sempai."

Kisame sighed heavily and then explained the differences between men and women.

"Oh, so I need to find someone with boobies." Tobi said. "Temari-san has them; they feel so nice and soft when she holds Pain-chan against them."

They both lay down on opposite sides of the room and drifted into slumber. Kisame had a terrible nightmare where a dozen hyperactive children with swirly masks ran around the Akatsuki base causing pandemonium. After about six hours, Itachi decided they'd slept for long enough and woke them up.

Kisame sat bolt upright and screamed "Noooooo, I don't want to babysit again!"

Itachi's clones had returned with many different hats, Tobi was looking at them and giggling.

"You should wear that one Itachi-san." he pointed at a particularly gaudy one adorned with an array of peacock feathers.

"Hn." Itachi chose the least embarrassing one, a cowboy hat. He intended to carry it, but had a suspicion that they would have to wear them to gain entry into the castle.

Kisame decided to swap his witch's hat for a spiffy tophat. He and Tobi then transformed back into a young boy and girl and they set off towards the underground castle, Itachi using a compass to show the way.

"Have any other teams finished yet?" he asked Tobi.

"I don't know. Pain-chan was accidently locked inside the pantry and can't get out to see what's going on."

"I hope we're not the first back. I don't want to draw any attention to us, they might find out we're not actually genin."

They'd travelled far yesterday and it took them a long time to get back. The closer they got to their destination, the more ambushes they walked into as young ninjas tried to steal their headgear. Eventually they returned to the immense cavern, it had been designated a no-fighting zone and was patrolled by several Sand jounin. They were informed by one of them that they were the third team to have passed.

They sauntered across the drawbridge in their cool hats and entered the castle. Tobi ran off to find her cat; she was already familiar with the layout of the place because of their shared vision. The fake-girl opened the pantry and the odd-eyed cat rubbed against her legs, purring loudly.

"Oopsies." Tobi had forgotten its transformation jutsu would've been cancelled when it took a catnap. She changed it back into an ordinary looking tomcat.

"Hey, what's going on here?" a kitchen staff member came to see what was going on. "Holy crap, just look at this mess!"

The pantry looked like dumpsite. Most of the food containers had been knocked down to the floor and a lot of them were broken and spilling their contents out. Tobi's cat, its fur matted with various foodstuffs, started licking at some spilled strawberry jam.

"Tobi is sorry, my kitty was bad." Tobi picked up her pet and fled.

Temari had found the other two Akatsuki and told them to join her inside a study. She picked up some paperwork and took a moment to read through it.

"It's says here that your name is Zoltan the Landshark." she looked at the blue-skinned boy.

He nodded.

"And you are from the Land of Dangos?" she continued.

He nodded again. "Yes."

"You're clearly a bastard child of the Hoshigaki clan. The Hidden Villages can be very protective of their bloodline limits; I advise you to withdraw from these exams and go home before you get assassinated."

"We're staying." said Itachi firmly.

"Yeah, we'll be able to handle any ninja that attack us." Kisame said confidently.

"Maybe you'll be able to take out the Mist genin and even their teachers, but the Mizukage herself is coming to watch the tournament." said Temari.

Kisame perked up. "Oh really?"

"Yes. Don't tell me you kids think you could defeat a Kage?"

"No but we can't just quit now, everyone will be angry with us if we return as genin." Itachi said.

"If you insist on staying then please be careful. Try to stay away from any Mist-nin ok."

They left the room and Temari gave them a tour of the castle. They bumped into Tobi in the dining area. Her filthy cat jumped up into Temari's arms, getting all kinds of sticky food onto the kunoichi's brand new outfit.

"Thank you for looking after my kitty." said Tobi.

"You're welcome." she petted the affectionate cat before passing it back to its owner and attempting to wipe herself clean. "You three will have to stay here for a couple of days until this first test is over. Make yourselves at home."

"We will."

Kisame held his breath nervously as they interacted with each other, letting it out once Temari had left the room. The idiotic Uchiha must have forgotten about their mission. He just had the perfect opportunity to grab Temari and teleport them all away. He glanced over at Itachi, who was looking relieved that Tobi hadn't given away their real identities. Did he even know about Tobi's ability to teleport long distances? It had only been recently that he'd found out about it himself.

The shark-boy grinned toothily. Without Tobi's time-space ninjutsu it would be extremely difficult to capture Temari and escape from Suna, especially now that security had been quadrupled during the chuunin exams. Maybe it would take Itachi quite some time to come up with a plan and they'd get to stay here long enough for him to catch a glimpse of the gorgeous Mizukage.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen

...

Sasori jumped up as Sakura's fist slammed into the ground, the tremendous force behind it causing giant cracks to appear in the earth. He landed safely a short distance away from the violent girl.

She narrowed her green eyes angrily. "I know you've been spying on me for several days, what do you want with me?"

"I don't intend to harm you so stop…" Sasori ducked a leather-clad fist aimed at his head. "…trying to hit me."

"Hah!" she laughed derisively. "Don't lie to me; you want revenge for when me and Chiyo-sama killed you."

"That's not true. Sakura, I…"

"Or are you going to kidnap me in order to lead Naruto-kun into a trap? I'm not going to let that happen."

She attacked with controlled fury, enhancing each strike by building up and releasing her chakra with perfect timing. Sasori tried to reason with her as he evaded, but the angry kunoichi refused to halt her barrage of blows.

"Listen." he pleaded, but a fist connected solidly with his face.

The punch had so much force behind it that his wooden head disconnected from his body and went flying away.

Sasori regenerated another head. "This new body of mine is invincible; you can't kill me this time."

"Have all the Akatsuki been resurrected?" the rage drained from Sakura and she spoke with fear.

"Some of us have been along with many other powerful shinobi. Kabuto is building an army of undead ninja."

"Kabuto-san is controlling you all?"

"Not me. I'm a puppet master. I control other people, they don't control me." Sasori spoke smugly.

"So it's possible to resist him? This is the Edo Tensei technique that was used to bring back the previous Hokages right?"

"You're quite right. Unlike Orochimaru, Kabuto allows the reincarnated to have free-will so it is possible to break from his control. This usually results in the person returning to the world of the dead."

Sakura questioned him and he told her all he knew about Kabuto and his plans.

"Why are you telling me this?" she asked once she'd finished with the interrogation.

"Because you asked." he said simply. "Here, I have something for you."

He summoned a small plant pot with several pretty pink flowers growing in it and presented it to her. "I know it's traditional to give cut flowers but I think it's quite sad to watch them wither and die so quickly."

"Um… thanks." she said tentatively.

"Sakura, ever since I got resurrected I've not been able to keep my mind off you." he reached out a wooden hand and stroked her vivid pink hair.

She backed off. "Oh no, please don't tell me you're in love with me."

"How could anyone not fall for a beautiful and intelligent kunoichi like you?"

"You're a wooden puppet! Are you even capable of… you know… being physically intimate."

"No."

Sakura felt incredibly relieved. "So you're not going to try anyth…"

"Konan borrowed all my phallic attachments and never returned them." Sasori complained. "I'll have to make a new one, what length and girth would you prefer?"

Sakura let out a bloodcurdling scream, so loud it soon attracted many Leaf ninja to the remote section of the village she was in.

"Are you alright Sakura? What happened?" Kakashi asked, concerned.

"Sasori of the Akatsuki was just here. Don't worry; he wasn't trying to hurt me. He just…" she trailed off, her face flushed pink.

Kakashi noticed the romantic gift left behind by the villain. His visible eye crinkled as he smiled. "It looks like you have another admirer."

"It's not funny Kakashi-sensei." she punched him in the arm.

"Ouch. You shouldn't beat up your old teacher."

"I managed to get loads of information out of him; I should tell everything to you right?"

"No, you should report to Danzo-sama immediately and no one else." a Root ninja said and escorted her to the detested leader of Konoha.

Danzo scowled at Tsunade's apprentice. He had ordered Fu of the Yamanaka clan to read her memories but the young woman had very strong willpower and cast him out of her mind.

"Hell yeah!" Sakura exclaimed loudly.

"My apologies Danzo-sama." said Fu. "She has an unusual mind; I've never seen anything like it before. It's like she has two spirits within her."

"Sakura Haruno." said Danzo. "I order you to submit to the mind-reading jutsu so I can get an accurate report of your meeting with the Akatsuki member."

"Why can't I just tell you what happened?"

"I am the Hokage; you will do as I say."

"No I won't, and Tsunade-sama is still the Hokage even if she is in a coma." Sakura said defiantly.

"Very well, we will do this the hard way." Danzo called for several of his Root subordinates. "Take this girl to the torture chamber."

"What are you going to do to me?" an alarmed Sakura asked. "I haven't done anything wrong."

"I've heard that Kakashi Hatake is plotting to kill me and take over this village. You probably know something of his plans; you are his student after all." he signalled to his underlings to take her away.

Sakura fought bravely but was overwhelmed by sheer numbers.

"Let me go!" she screamed while being dragged away.

"Let your torturer know when you've had enough and are willing to permit Fu inside your mind." Danzo called after her.

Sakura was chained up inside a small room with a woman she recognised from Konoha Hospital.

"I know you, you're a doctor right?" said Sakura.

"That's my day-job." the woman picked up a scalpel. "In the evenings I work for Root as a torturer. This job is so much more entertaining."

Sakura gulped as the evil doctor approached her.

"**Stop right there, Root scum!" **

The woman turned around to see a strange man. "Who are you?"

"My name is Zetsu." he prowled around the doctor, eyeing her up and down. "You look delectable." **"Don't eat her just yet." **"Aww, but I'm starving!"

"Stay back!" she warned, brandishing her scalpel.

"**I want to see if you can take a little torture as well as you dish it out." **"You shouldn't play with your food, let's just kill her and chow down."

"I'll call for reinforcements if you don't leave." she threatened.

"**That's a bluff." **"Yep. This little torture-room of yours is completely soundproof, nobody will hear you cry for help."

Sakura watched in horror as the doctor was overpowered by the cannibal and chained up, then had small pieces carved out of her and was slowly eaten alive. Once most of the Root torturer had been devoured, Zetsu approached the pink-haired ninja.

"**Sasori sent me to rescue you."** he dangled the slippery intestines of the doctor in front of her. "I saved a bit for you to eat before we go."

Sakura struggled against her chains. "Eww, get away from me. I don't want to go anywhere with you."

"**Alright, I'll leave you to the mercy of Danzo." **Zetsu prodded a tray of blood-encrusted surgical instruments. "Have fun!"

"Wait." Sakura called out as he began to sink into the ground. "What does the puppet want with me?"

"**He wants you to be his girlfriend." **"I think he's going to tie you up and recite romantic poetry at you."

"Well, I guess being forced to listen to poetry isn't quite as bad as getting sliced open."

Zetsu carried the chained-up kunoichi underground until they left the village far behind, then came out into the forest and slung her over his shoulder as he leapt from tree to tree. After a while they began to hear the angry shouts of another captive demanding to be released.

"Who is that?" she asked.

"It's just Deidara." **"Ignore him."**

They approached a small cabin, outside was a barrel-shaped puppet and it was from within this that loud shouting and banging could be heard.

"When I get out of this I'm going to fucking murder you un!"

"Um, hello." said Sakura to the barrel. "What are you doing in there?"

Deidara was hopeful upon hearing an unfamiliar voice. "I'm trapped. Let me out un."

"**I told you to ignore him." **Zetsu admonished.

"Zetsu you bastard, you'd better set me free or I won't kill you in an artistic explosion of blood and guts. I'll just stab you with a poison blade like that pathetic so-called artist does."

Zetsu carried his captive into the cabin and set her down. "Hey Sas, here's your new puppet girlfriend."

"What do you mean; I'm not going to get turned into a puppet am I? You never told me that before you brought me here!" Sakura said in apprehension.

Sasori appeared in a doorway. "Bring her into my workshop."

Sakura screamed desperately and thrashed around as much as she could while being chained-up. She managed to kick Zetsu hard in the ribs; he dropped her as he felt the bones crack.

"**Damn… that girl kicks like a mule."**

The resurrected puppet-master removed his cloak, baring his wooden body with its strange joints and compartments. The metal cable inside his stomach unwound itself and snaked its way towards Sakura. It wrapped around her ankles and yanked backwards, pulling her over so she slammed heavily into the floor. He backed into his workshop and the long cable retracted into him, dragging the struggling captive with it.

The pink-haired kunoichi looked around the room in horror. The walls were covered in sketches of her, in most of them she had been converted into a puppet. Sasori noticed her looking at them.

"I've not decided on your final design yet. Is there any that stick out to you?" he asked.

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE A PUPPET! LET ME GO!"

Zetsu winced. **"She's loud, that hurt my ears."**

"Hmmmm… maybe I could amplify her voice so she screams like a banshee." Sasori speculated. "I'll need to do some research first; I've never made a puppet with sonic abilities before."

Tears began to flow from Sakura's emerald eyes. "Please don't do this to me."

"It'll be alright my dear." he gently wiped away the moisture from her pretty face.

Sakura bit down hard on his fingers. "Ow, you're made out of wood."

Zetsu chuckled. "And so will you be soon."

She continued to scream in protest as Zetsu held her down to stop her struggling. Sasori produced a needle and injected it into her arm. She soon fell silent and immobile.

...

Sakura found herself in a glade of cherry blossom trees. "Is this the afterlife?"

"No, you're in a genjutsu."

She whirled around to see who spoke. Her puppet suitor greeted her with a captivating smile.

"I thought you were going to kill me… did you change your mind?" she asked hopefully.

"I never intended to kill you, just turn you into a puppet."

"Please don't, I'm begging you."

"It's too late. You already are one."

The medical-ninja look down at her body; it didn't seem any different. She ran a hand over some bare skin, it felt warm and alive. But this _was_ a genjutsu, she reminded herself. Sakura was very adept at genjutsu dissipation but was too scared to counter this one, too scared to see what she had become.

"Am I a living puppet, like you?" she asked tensely.

"Yes, I kept a core part of you alive unlike most of my other creations."

"I HATE YOU!" Sakura's temper exploded. "There is no way I'm going to be your girlfriend. When I cancel this genjutsu I'm going to beat the shit out of you!"

"I'm immortal, remember."

"Good. I'll make sure you suffer for an eternity." she glared at him with intense hatred.

"It's so nice that you want to spend eternity with me. You know there's a fine line between love and hate."

"I will never love you after what you've done to me."

"Maybe your feelings will change in time. After all, we are the only two living puppets around."

"Do you intend to keep me prisoner until I change my mind… not that it's ever going to happen!"

"No, you may go back to Tsunade for a while. I heard you're her apprentice so I hope you'll learn a few of her advanced jutsus."

"Is Tsunade-sama…?"

"Yeah, she just awoke from her coma yesterday."

"That's great! How long have I been here?"

"A little over a week. I've been working hard to make a perfect body for you, I'm sure you'll come to appreciate your enhancements in time."

"No I won't!"

Sakura put her hands together and began disrupting her chakra to break the genjutsu. She was apprehensive about seeing her new body, but knowing that Tsunade was alive and well made her feel happy and gave her the courage the escape this illusionary world so she could go to see her.

She came back to the real world.

And screamed.

The loud high-pitched noise shattered the windows of the cabin.

"What have you done to me? You pervert!" she screeched at Sasori.

"I am not a pervert." he insisted huffily.

"Then why are these so big?" she gestured towards her prominent chest.

"For storage space."

"Huh?"

"Well I thought it would be cool to put waterguns in your chest..."

Sakura let out another piercing scream and flung herself angrily at Sasori, knocking him down and pummelling him with all her might. Blow after blow landed upon her enemy but any damage she inflicted was immediately regenerated.

Zetsu's head emerged through the floor. "This isn't going so well. I don't think she likes you Sas."

"She just needs to get to know me better; I'll win her over eventually." he replied confidently.

"Shut up!" Sakura punched him one last time in the face before getting up and charging straight through the wall of the cabin, fleeing back to the Hidden Leaf Village.

"Hey, don't you want me to explain how to refill your liquid canisters?" Sasori called out after her.

Later on, Sasori and Zetsu decided to check on Deidara. They walked deeper into the forest to where they'd moved him, so they wouldn't have to listen to his angry shouting. He heard them approach and banged his fists against the interior of the puppet, begging to be let out.

"Absolutely not." Sasori told him. "You're staying in there until we kill Kabuto and you're no longer under his control. I'm only doing this for your own good, if I set you free then you'll be compelled to return to him and then he'll wipe your personality for taking too long on this mission."

"I've been trapped in here for ages." Deidara complained. "I can't believe I get brought back to life only to get stuck inside a damn puppet. This is stupid un."

"We'll leave soon enough; I just stayed while I transformed my true love into a living puppet like myself."

"I bet she hates your stupid wooden face."

"That's true." said Zetsu. "She ran straight back to Konoha screaming."

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Deidara laughed mockingly. "She probably rejected you because you look like a little boy."

"She's only a year older than I was after I became a puppet, I doubt my young appearance bothers her." said Sasori.

"So she's just a teenager un? They should've kicked you out of the Akatsuki along with your former partner, you creep."

The short red-head lost his temper. "Don't you dare compare me to Orochimaru! I am not a creep. I'm a very charming and romantic gentleman."

Zetsu sniggered while Deidara laughed uproariously, the sound reverberating around the confines of the barrel-shaped puppet he was imprisoned within.

Sasori kicked the barrel over.

"Hey!" Deidara yelled. "I know that was you Master Sasori, you'll regret that."

"Let's head back to the new hideout now and deal with Kabuto." Sasori decided.

"About damn time!"

"**Actually, I still have some unfinished business in Konoha."** Zetsu said. **"Let's stay here a while longer."**

"FUCK YOU ZETSU-SAN!" Deidara attempted to kick his way out of the hard wood that kept him confined. "Let me out of this damn thing!"

"What do you need to do?" Sasori asked the Akatsuki spy.

"**I want to help the Leaf-nin take out Danzo. I don't like him."**

"Very well, I'll go and fetch my twin." Sasori headed back to the cabin to get his original body.

"Please free me Zetsu-san, I promise I won't run away." Deidara begged desperately. "It's horrible being trapped in such a tiny space, I feel like I'm going to die of boredom un."

"I'm sorry but I don't want to make Sas angry with me, the little fella can be quite scary."

"You could just claim I got out on my own." the young terrorist reasoned.

Zetsu considered it. He did find it amusing at first to see Deidara stuck inside a puppet, he didn't like him much because of all the times he'd tried to kill Tobi with his exploding clay. However his white side was feeling a little guilty about the length of time they'd kept him imprisoned.

"I'll bake you a human pie." Deidara offered.

"Deal!" **"No, I have one condition."**

"What un?"

**"You have to be nice to Tobi and stop trying to blow him up."**

Deidara grudgingly agreed and so Zetsu used his wood release technique to reach through the wooden prison and effortlessly pull Deidara out. The young criminal stretched his arms, loosening his stiff muscles. He looked around joyfully at the expanse of land and sky; it sure beat staring at nothing but planks of wood for so long.

Sasori soon returned with his old body in tow, the one that his grandma and Sakura had killed. He saw his blonde partner doing cartwheels all over the place, revelling in his freedom. He scowled in annoyance and attached chakra strings to his former body, using it to corral Deidara towards the barrel-shaped puppet.

"I'm not getting back into that thing!" Deidara yelled. He tried to fight but without his clay or any ninja tools he was pretty much useless.

"I'm only doing this because I care about you." his partner told him. "I don't want you running back to Kabuto and getting turned into a mindless slave."

"I won't return to him." Deidara insisted but then felt the overwhelming urge to complete the mission. "So uh… where are all those DNA samples that we collected un?"

"I'm not telling." Zetsu said. **"And if you don't help me fight Root then I'll destroy them all." **"Except Kakuzu's."

"I guess I have no choice but to help un."

Sasori relaxed, it seemed that his friend wouldn't run away as long as they kept the DNA samples hidden from him. "Alright, you can stay with us but I'm not returning your clay."

"How am I supposed to fight without it un?"

"You can have some of my poison kunai."

"But that's not an artistic way to kill people." Deidara protested but his partner refused to give him any clay.

He glowered at Sasori angrily, recalling all the unpleasant things he'd planned to do to him while being imprisoned. But payback would have to wait, he had something much more important to take care of first… he had to go and wash his hair.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen

...

The examination hall was extremely quiet for a place filled with children, only the scratching of pencils and the occasional frustrated sigh could be heard. Itachi set his pencil down, having finished already. He'd answered exactly 70% of the questions right; he needed to pass this test in order to advance into the next round of the chuunin exams but he didn't want to do too well and give away the fact that he wasn't the 12 year old boy he appeared to be.

His eyes roamed around the room before settling on a lad with spiked navy blue hair several rows in front of him. A cat sat on Kisame's desk looking down at his test paper, Tobi was using their shared vision to see through the cats eyes and copy Kisame's answers. A frown marred Itachi's face; it was embarrassing that a relative of his was so stupid. The Uchiha's were supposed to be a clan of geniuses and yet Tobi was 30 years old and had to cheat to pass a test aimed at children.

Fifteen minutes later and the examiner Kankuro told all the genin to put down their pencils. He walked awkwardly around the room with his artificial legs, gathering up the test papers.

Later that day the chuunin candidates all returned to get their results.

"I hope I passed." Tobi said apprehensively. "Mama won't be pleased if I remain a genin forever."

Kankuro handed the trio back their papers. "You passed with flying colours although it's _very _suspicious that you have completely identical answers as your teammate."

Tobi fidgeted nervously. "Urm… "

"What an amazing coincidence." Kisame feigned a look of surprise.

Kankuro fixed the cheating pair with a stony glower. He disliked children and was very annoyed when his brother had tasked him with overseeing this exam. The only part of this mission he enjoyed was telling the failures to go home; it was amusing to see their forlorn little faces. Unfortunately none of the Sand instructors had caught these two in the act of cheating and so he couldn't disqualify them.

"Discreetly copying another's answers demonstrates good surveillance skills. Good work." he begrudgingly complimented.

Kisame flicked through his sheaf of papers until he came across the only question that was marked wrong.

_Q: Describe how you would keep a prisoner under control._

_A: I would chop off all his limbs and stuff him in my backpack._

"I don't understand what's wrong with this answer." he said.

Kankuro glared at the shark-like ninja. "Only a savage would cripple another person."

He hobbled away, cursing at the bloodthirsty Hoshigaki clan under his breath.

Kisame glanced over at Itachi's test results and smirked. "I did better than you."

"Hn." Itachi filled that small utterance with as much disapproval as possible.

Not only was his partner drawing too much attention to them, he'd been purposely foiling the mission they'd been sent here to do. Every kidnapping attempt Itachi had tried had been ruined by Kisame interfering and giving away his presence to Temari. The kunoichi had become suspicious of Itachi constantly following her around and so he had to feign a schoolboy crush on her. He tried to imitate the way girls usually acted around him, minus all the annoying giggling because that's something that boys just don't do…

Tobi giggled as her cat rolled onto its back, allowing its fluffy underside to be petted by the Sand-nin that played with it.

Well except for Tobi, who made a very convincing little girl. If only she didn't keep forgetting their assumed names during this mission then Itachi would be confident that she wouldn't blow their cover. Fortunately she had yet to let slip their true identities around anyone of importance during their weeklong stay in Suna.

Itachi sighed. He had hoped to have this mission completed by now so he could leave this shithole of a village and hopefully get to see his adorable little brother. Although Sasuke wasn't so little anymore, he had grown up to become a strong shinobi.

A proud smile crept across his lips.

Then a bright light flashed in his face, breaking him out of his contemplation.

"Wow! I saw Itachi-san smile, and I've got proof." Tobi said, camera in hand.

Itachi grabbed a handful of Tobi's clothes and yanked her forwards, so her mask was mere centimetres away from his face.

He spoke in a low menacing voice. "First of all, that's not proof of anything. I'm in disguise, remember? Secondly, don't use our real names in public. And thirdly, you're a fool and a disgrace to the Uchiha clan."

"Don't be mean to Tobita-chan." Kisame intervened. "She's a good girl."

"It's alright Kisame-san, he's just jealous that we scored higher than him in the written exam." Tobi said smugly.

Another week passed and the Mizukage finally arrived in the Hidden Sand Village. On her second day there she decided to take advantage of the scorching hot weather and get some sunbathing done. Accompanied by her bodyguards Ao and Chojuro as well as the Kazekage's siblings, she entered a sandy park bordered by large shrubs.

Kankuro flopped down onto a bench with a relieved sigh; he massaged the top of his legs where flesh connected with puppet limbs.

"Are you alright?" Temari asked.

He insisted he was fine. He didn't like to see his big sister worry so much about him.

"I heard it was Kisame, a former Mist ninja, who did that to you." Mei said. "I'm very sorry."

"It's not your fault. You have no control over what missing-nin do." said Kankuro.

"I'm going to terminate that traitor so he can no longer hurt others." she vowed.

Chojuro set down two blankets on the sand for the ladies to lie on. Temari removed her kimono to reveal a bikini underneath. She thought sunbathing was stupid and boring but she'd been commanded to accompany the Mizukage and this is what she insisted on doing.

Mei stripped. Completely.

"What are you doing?" Temari said sharply. "We have public decency laws in Sunagakure so please put some clothes back on."

"That's a dumb law; I don't want to get tan lines." Mei pouted.

"Actually, the Mizukage has diplomatic immunity. She can be naked if she wants." Kankuro informed his sister while keeping his eyes completely focused on the shapely Mist-nin.

Temari looked around at the crowded park. "There are children here; I don't want their parents making complaints to the Sand HQ."

"Why would people complain about my perfect body?" Mei asked, offended.

Temari sighed and turned to her brother. "Evacuate this park and set up ninja guards around the perimeter."

Grumbling, the puppet-master got up to do as he was told. The park was cleared out except for two kids and a cat hidden within one of the large bushes. They were in fact Tobi and Kisame, rather naughtily recording the sunbathing women with a video camera.

"Mei-sama, you should make sure to apply suncream. It's important so you don't get sunburnt." Ao lectured.

"Temari, be a dear and rub the cream onto my body." Mei requested.

The blonde kunoichi looked at the older woman, becoming flustered over the lustful feelings that stirred within her. She asked why one of the Mizukage's bodyguards couldn't do it but Ao insisted that they had to stand guard in case any enemies attacked. Temari took the bottle of suncream from him, squirted some over Mei's back and began rubbing it in.

After a while she told the Mizukage to turn over.

"You've missed a bit, keep going." Mei said.

Temari knew exactly what area she's missed. She squeezed a glob of cream onto her hands and then massaged it into the woman's firm buttocks. She wondered whatever processed her to do this, but was thankful that no one besides these three visitors from Kirigakure could see her.

"You're doing a great job." Mei purred happily.

She turned over to allow the Sand-nin access to her front. Temari blushed furiously as she gazed down at the ample bare breasts beneath her.

"Are you blushing? How cute." Mei said teasingly.

Temari scowled in annoyance at letting her embarrassment show and swiftly finished her task.

"I'm so hot!" Mei suddenly exclaimed. "Hey Chojuro, grab Temari's fan and use it to cool us down."

"Um… shinobi tend not to let others use their weapons." the swordsman said hesitatingly.

"It's alright, I don't mind." Temari said and watched with amusement as he struggled with the heavy weapon.

Kankuro later returned and sat down on his bench. "It took a while to get enough guards around the park, loads of guys are protesting to be let back in."

He could understand why. His eyes lingered on the beautiful red-haired kunoichi once more, although he wasn't the only one staring.

"Chojuro-kun, keep your eyes on your surroundings." Ao commanded sternly.

"Yes sempai!" the young swordsman tore his eyes away from Mei and resumed watch, while steadily wafting the oversized fan. His arms were aching but he was determined to keep going and not let Mei suffer in the oppressive heat.

"It's so nice to be here." Mei said. "The Mist elders hardly ever let me go on holiday."

"This isn't a holiday. You're here to discuss peace treaties and business with the Kazekage as well as to evaluate our genin fighting in the tournament." Ao reminded her.

Mei lazily spat a wad of lava at the stern man, which he skillfully dodged.

"Gaara works too hard; I wish he would take time off sometimes." Kankuro said. "I don't want him to get stressed out and go on a murder rampage."

"I heard he was quite the little terror before he became the Kazekage." Mei chortled.

"Damn right he was."

Over in the bushes Kisame and Tobi were having a whispered conversation.

"Why don't we capture Mei-sama too?" Tobi suggested.

"What!" A startled look appeared on Kisame's face.

"Tobi knows you're in love with her."

"Yeah, but she hates me." the boy said sadly.

"That's why we should kidnap her." Tobi said. "In Icha Icha Violence, the girl really hates the main character but then he kidnaps her and she eventually falls in love with him."

Kisame considered it. He'd heard of instances where victims became attached to their kidnappers. Maybe it would be worth a try.

He broke into a devious grin. "Let's do it."

He started to worm his way out of the dense shrubbery he was hiding in but Tobi grabbed hold of him and hauled him back.

"I don't want to do it now." the masked girl said petulantly."We'll have to leave the village and then I'll miss the tournament."

Kisame had also been looking forward to fighting in the tournament but he realised that right now was the perfect opportunity to abduct the kunoichi. Having them both in the same secluded space with only a few other ninja around would be unlikely to happen again. It took him a while to convince Tobi but she eventually capitulated.

"Should we get Itachi-san first?" Tobi asked.

"No, we can handle this ourselves." Kisame knew Itachi wouldn't approve of this plan.

An orange cat streaked out of the bushes, chased by the two children. It made a beeline for Temari.

Chojuro put down the giant folding fan and hastily drew his double-handled sword.

"Calm down, you're not afraid of some little kids and a kitty-cat are you?" Mei laughed.

"How did you sneak past all the guards?" Kankuro questioned, with a scowl on his painted face.

"They're Mist genin, our ninja are well-known for being stealthy." said Mei proudly.

"Mist-nin are the best nin." Tobi declared and Kisame nodded in agreement.

"I don't recall you two being nominated to enter the exams." Ao said suspiciously. "Just who are you."

"Err… actually they're from the Land of Dangos, not the Hidden Mist." Temari explained.

"The boy looks like one of the Hoshigaki clan." Mei stated. She approached Kisame to get a better look at him and traced her fingers over the gills on his face. "You're welcome to join the Hidden Mist if you'd like. It's where you belong."

Blood dripped uncontrollably from the shark-boy's nose. Being so close to the woman he was infatuated with, having her touch him…

"Well?" the nude beauty asked impatiently.

Kisame fainted.

As his body hit the ground the transformation jutsu he had in place was dispelled.

"KISAME!" Mei shrieked in revulsion upon seeing her unwelcome suitor.

The Mizukage's bodyguards immediately sprang into action, flanking the woman to protect her from harm. Kankuro scrambled up, drawing a kunai and cursing himself for leaving his puppets at home. Temari kept a tight grip on the cat in her arms that was struggling wildly to get free.

"Who are you?" she asked Tobi, making sure to keep her distance from the fake-genin.

"Tobi isn't telling!" the masked girl said.

She was in a panic. This kidnapping attempt was not going well and she didn't know what to do. She couldn't send her cat to Itachi for help while Temari had hold of it. It was all up to her to get them out of this mess.

"We have your teammate and your pet cat hostage. Try anything and they're dead." Ao said.

Kankuro knelt down on his puppet legs next to Kisame, holding his knife against the unconscious man's neck. "It will be my pleasure to kill this one."

"Tell us what you're doing here Tobi." Mei commanded.

"How did you know Tobi was Tobi?" he asked in surprise, after reverting back into an adult male.

Mei rolled her eyes.

"This _thing _has been following me for weeks." Temari said, cruelly squeezing the struggling feline. "And so has that other teammate of yours. What are you after?"

The cat known as Pain had also had its transformation jutsu cancelled and so its unusual eyes and chakra rods were now apparent. It yowled desperately as its little body was crushed.

Tobi was experiencing the same pain as his pet. "Let Pain-chan go!" he cried out.

"Answer my question." Temari tightened her grip even more.

She suddenly found herself flung backwards by an unseen force; she hit the sand hard but quickly regained her feet. The cat was sitting in the spot she'd just been displaced from, calmly grooming itself.

"What just happened?" demanded Kankuro.

"Pain-chan just Shinra Tensei'd her ass." Tobi yelled gleefully as Pain meowed proudly.

"You and your cat had better not try fighting us." Kankuro dragged his kunai lightly over Kisame's skin, drawing a thin line of blood. "Use one more jutsu and I'll kill this ugly bastard."

Tobi whimpered as Ao and Chojuro closed in on him menacingly.

"Stop." Mei ordered.

"Stay back Mei-sama, we'll deal with him." Ao said.

She ignored her subordinate and strolled towards the masked man. "You'll be a good boy, won't you Tobi?"

Tobi nodded, he didn't want his blue friend to get murdered.

She wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him close. "Everything will be alright as long as you obey my orders." she crooned into his ear.

"Is Mei-sama going to punish Tobi and Kisame-san for leaving the Hidden Mist?" he asked.

"You have been very naughty; I think some punishment is in order. Let me think…" she pondered. "Ah, I know… let's take away that mask of yours."

Tobi cried softly in distress as his spiral-patterned mask was forcibly removed.

"Hah! I knew it." Mei crowed. "You Uchiha men are all so handsome."

"T-Tobi doesn't like p-people looking at him." he sniffled.

"A handsome face like yours shouldn't be hidden." she insisted.

She then pressed her lips against his. He tried to shrink back from the contact but she held him tightly against her unclothed body. She slid a hand up to rest in his dark spiky hair, keeping him firmly in place as she deepened the kiss. He quickly gave in to her demanding lips, moaning softly in delight at the wonderful sensations.


End file.
